Dear Roe,
My partner has brought up their concerns over not having enough sex throughout the week. As a victim of sexual assault, I have told them that it can be difficult for me. How can I take on their concerns regarding sex, while also being sensitive to my own trauma?
I’m going to admit, my back is up immediately. Something that I’ve been watching with absolute dismay is how the rhetoric around sex positivity is being absorbed, weaponised and spat back out by some people as plain old sexual entitlement, disguised in progressive language. Sex positivity is a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual. Sex positivity has been incredibly important in undoing the shame that has surrounded sex for so long, and the ways in which people have been encouraged to judge and shame themselves and other people, as a means of control and oppression.
Conversations around sex positivity can include giving people permission to prioritise sex and sexual pleasure, whether that’s encouraging individuals to enjoy masturbation without shame, and telling busy couples that they are allowed carve out time for sex and schedule opportunities to have sex in the same way we schedule watching our favourite television shows or having dates — not so that people feel obligated to have sex “on schedule” if they don’t want to, but that they have saved time to connect in whatever way feels good for them at the time. I have, in the past, included suggestions like that in my advice to people, believing that it was obvious that telling people that sex is an important, joyous, pleasurable part of life that they are allowed to value absolutely does not mean that the desire for sex means you automatically have a right to partnered sex, or that the sexual desire of one person ever overrides the boundaries of another person. I increasingly fear that this was naïve, or maybe it has been clear, but some people will just find any way to justify entitlement.
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Perhaps your partner is indeed being respectful and gentle and approaching the topic with care and compassion, which is wonderful
When people have sex, they have the right for that sex to be consensual and hopefully pleasurable – but partnered sex itself is not a right, or an entitlement. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. That is the attitude that has created and perpetuated rape culture, including the support of institutionally supported sexual violence such as marital rape which was only made illegal in Ireland in 1991; and male entitlement to sex, which is being encouraged in a new generation of men by incel communities and misogynistic public figures such as Andrew Tate.
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If so, some just-published research suggests caveat emptor may be in order.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PHDDVE3NXZBNDL5ET7LNIWK3VA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Self-testing is increasingly popular, especially since the Covid-19 epidemic, when lateral flow tests allowed ubiquitous home testing for the infection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKBS7WWAKJD3BJME33Q2QY7TLI","additional_properties":{},"content":"However, two studies published in the British Medical Journal have found that many self-tests are unfit for purpose and need greater regulation to ensure they are safe and reliable.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DZSNJ3OMNJAHZJGLUBJ7I5W26M","additional_properties":{},"content":"In the first comprehensive studies into the issue, researchers at the University of Birmingham reviewed 30 self-tests bought from local supermarkets, pharmacies and health-and-wellbeing shops. The tests covered 19 different conditions, including vitamin D deficiency, blood sugar, thyroid function, prostate health, HIV, menopause and bowel cancer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7B6Q2UQLLBHYHLQBJUEPC3TT4Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"Of the 30 tests, just 14 made any statement about test accuracy, only eight provided information on the box about who should or should not use the test and only seven indicated what action to take after the result. Only 16 tests explicitly stated they were for screening, diagnosis or monitoring, while nine did not indicate the symptoms or risk factors for their use.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AEWT7SYPWZHEZHM3EINGJKNUKQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Thinking of buying a medical self-test kit? Read this first","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"SY5AKMJXJVGN3DA3TI56S42O3Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"However, nearly all tests (27 out of 30) recommended follow-up with a healthcare professional if results were positive or abnormal. Performance claims were made for 24 tests, with more than half claiming 98 per cent accuracy or higher. Yet, much of the evidence to back these claims was not publicly available or was of low quality, which the authors say also raises ethical concerns.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PCJRHLI2DJGWRLYQC7AJJ6NSZU","additional_properties":{},"content":"The researchers rated 18 of the tests as “high risk” over concerns about the testing equipment, sampling process or instructions and interpretation of the results, while use of the tests as advertised was judged contrary to evidence-based guidance for 11 of the 19 conditions studied.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LB7UEJLBDJHXDPDSYY3PCH4UDM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Since collecting their initial sample of tests in 2023, the researchers have continued to track the market – and it’s flourishing. A repeat search of the same geographical area in December 2024 identified 63 tests, twice as many as the previous year, many of them clones of existing self-tests, rebranded and sold under different names by a range of distributors. And while the study was UK based, the tests all had CE marks – a certification mark to signify that products have met essential European standards – making the results relevant in an Irish context.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q3ODU227CRFPTL6ECGNWYIO6OQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"In the Republic, the Health Products Regulatory Authority (HPRA) assesses self-testing kits, which are classified as in-vitro diagnostic tests. It advises only purchasing products with a CE mark and for consumers not to rely on the tests alone. No self-testing is 100 per cent reliable, it says, pointing out that a number of factors may interfere with or affect test results, including medicines and dietary supplements.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CBAODF64JJHQ5I3PLNMZTSFKPU","additional_properties":{},"content":"An example of the problems with the self-testing kits identified by the BMJ is illustrated by one marketed for the diagnosis of “chronic kidney injury”. The test, which looks for the presence of protein in the urine, had the most usability issues of all the tests examined. There were significant sampling challenges and unclear result interpretation, with faint colour reference charts making results hard to read.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PH7RFLGKYZBO3O4GCLBOYZT4J4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Readers may wonder if there is an element of medical paternalism at play here. After all, when home pregnancy tests were made available, some doctors argued that women should not be trusted to use them. But an accompanying BMJ editorial states that “giving people access to information and tools to understand their health is not in itself inherently problematic”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6EZUKJ7HRAYLHBPXH734KKSQQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Go with the flow: How lateral flow tests are becoming a diagnostic game changer","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"VG7KZBBMKBF63KGBSXP6QGXHJU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Empowering individuals to take an active role in their health is an important goal, but if self-tests are to be sold directly to the public, they must be supported by high quality evidence, robust regulation, trustworthy public information, and clear pathways for interpretation and follow up,” it concludes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VWMN267BWFHFRELAQGNWRX5ZGU","additional_properties":{},"content":"For consumers here, the BMJ studies suggest a need for closer co-operation between the HPRA and the European Commission to ensure the CE marking system is fit for purpose.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTYLDWO2IJBZXNYVA5K6AU3MWY","additional_properties":{},"content":"mhouston@irishtimes.com","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Dr Muiris Houston"}},"name":"Muiris Houston"}]},"description":{"basic":"Dr Muiris Houston: Many self-tests are unfit for purpose and need greater regulation to ensure safety and reliability, studies find"},"display_date":"2025-08-11T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Some words of caution before you buy a medical self-testing kit","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GQO3CE3WG5CFJNILXI7JP5BK4E","auth":{"1":"6005c10348b7716f0ededed8bc954228f5ac93964875363234a6dbf9f4d9092d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GQO3CE3WG5CFJNILXI7JP5BK4E.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Wellness"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/08/11/some-words-of-caution-before-you-buy-a-medical-self-testing-kit/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-wellness","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Wellness"}}}},{"_id":"KMEKYJ7ORFBVLFAG4D5TSQ6KTM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":437,"audio_url":"https://cdn.beyondwords.io/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d33fd5cb-0563-403d-bbb0-dba95ffdd1ef/versions/1753780913/media/8e9ca60987f227553b4de4c1f25bdd41_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-wellness/2025/08/10/my-husband-of-17-years-has-been-secretly-communicating-with-a-woman-for-six-months/","content_elements":[{"_id":"YM7HOCO7XJARJN3JW252O6ID6Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"Dear Roe,","type":"text"},{"_id":"GP3W7YDDBNFINI6UYGSITP3UUU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I have been married to a very kind man for 17 years. We have three teenagers and my husband is a great dad. He is very hands on, and helps out with lots of chores around the house. My family and friends think he’s wonderful and regularly say how lucky I am. However, I discovered recently on his phone that he has been secretly in contact with another woman for more than six months. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"6EOXVR3PWJCBDK35ECWKZRJKLU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I was absolutely horrified. I confronted him and he immediately played it down, saying this woman was someone he had known in university. They bumped into each other several months ago and exchanged numbers. A chat started, initially about other old friends. But it has become a much more regular thing. The chat history is full of voice messages talking about their day-to-day life. They never met and from what I can gather the exchange was just about life in general. But I am shocked and immensely hurt. I feel betrayed. I saw in their chat that he asked her to open an account on a private messenger, so I wouldn’t find out. This woman is also married, with two teenagers. He told me that over the last year or so he felt he couldn’t talk to me, that I’m always in bad form and that he just enjoyed the exchange with this woman. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4ZCXPJWWNECFEDOAZKS42WDXE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I admit life in our house can be stressful with three hormonal teenagers. He has since deleted and blocked her from his contacts. He has apologised repeatedly, and is trying very hard to make it up to me. However, my trust is now damaged. One part of me can understand why he would talk to someone else, but I also feel that if I hadn’t discovered the chat, it may have developed into something much more. I haven’t confided in anyone as it’s very private and I wouldn’t want anyone judging him or our marriage. So I would appreciate your thoughts. Am I very naive in thinking this was just a once-off, or does it actually show that my wonderful husband isn’t as wonderful as I thought?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5EUAMRBYU5EHJMD5TUGRRHITBY","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I want to acknowledge the complexity of what you’re feeling – the shock, the betrayal, the loneliness that often comes from holding such a heavy, private truth, and the disorienting realisation that someone you love and trusted has also chosen to cultivate a hidden emotional world outside your shared life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJRLJ56F2RFARCXWHXTNZD4NBM","additional_properties":{},"content":"It makes complete sense that you’re hurt, confused and feeling betrayed by his secrecy. But you are not naive for believing in your husband’s goodness, or for trusting in the life you built together, or for still trying, even now, to make sense of what this all means. In fact, those instincts speak to your strength, your integrity and your desire to understand rather than react in haste.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VGZY74MZKBC7RFG2EPHOQFDVXQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"The truth is, long-term relationships – especially ones stretched over years of parenting, responsibilities, stress and constant noise – often suffer from a slow erosion of connection, not because the love is gone, but because the weight of daily life has crowded out the space where intimacy once lived. You both have been carrying the strain of raising teenagers – a challenge that requires relentless emotional labour and patience – and it would be no surprise if, amid all that, you’ve both at times felt unseen, unheard and maybe even unloved. He said he felt he couldn’t talk to you, and while that may feel unfair and hurtful, it’s not an uncommon feeling in relationships at this stage of life. I suspect that in your own way, you’ve felt that disconnection too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CXOQRF5U5ZGGNHEXDOUCV5JBSU","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘How am I supposed to just move on when a financial betrayal shook my trust in my husband?’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"25P2H555DJHDBAJHJ345CZMXWU","additional_properties":{},"content":"He sought out someone who made him feel interesting again, someone who was curious about his daily life and made him feel like a person rather than just a co-parent or partner in logistics, and that impulse, while deeply disappointing, is also deeply human. Often, affairs or emotional entanglements are less about the other person and more about reconnecting with a forgotten self – one that felt exciting, adventurous, desirable or full of possibility. This doesn’t excuse the secrecy or the deception, but it does offer a more compassionate lens through which to understand why this happened – not because he stopped loving you, but perhaps because he lost sight of himself, and in doing so, lost his way with you too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FVDJ6IO66BDDVBOSCTLUPHJZ4Q","content":"