Dear Roe,
My partner has brought up their concerns over not having enough sex throughout the week. As a victim of sexual assault, I have told them that it can be difficult for me. How can I take on their concerns regarding sex, while also being sensitive to my own trauma?
I’m going to admit, my back is up immediately. Something that I’ve been watching with absolute dismay is how the rhetoric around sex positivity is being absorbed, weaponised and spat back out by some people as plain old sexual entitlement, disguised in progressive language. Sex positivity is a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual. Sex positivity has been incredibly important in undoing the shame that has surrounded sex for so long, and the ways in which people have been encouraged to judge and shame themselves and other people, as a means of control and oppression.
Conversations around sex positivity can include giving people permission to prioritise sex and sexual pleasure, whether that’s encouraging individuals to enjoy masturbation without shame, and telling busy couples that they are allowed carve out time for sex and schedule opportunities to have sex in the same way we schedule watching our favourite television shows or having dates — not so that people feel obligated to have sex “on schedule” if they don’t want to, but that they have saved time to connect in whatever way feels good for them at the time. I have, in the past, included suggestions like that in my advice to people, believing that it was obvious that telling people that sex is an important, joyous, pleasurable part of life that they are allowed to value absolutely does not mean that the desire for sex means you automatically have a right to partnered sex, or that the sexual desire of one person ever overrides the boundaries of another person. I increasingly fear that this was naïve, or maybe it has been clear, but some people will just find any way to justify entitlement.
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Perhaps your partner is indeed being respectful and gentle and approaching the topic with care and compassion, which is wonderful
When people have sex, they have the right for that sex to be consensual and hopefully pleasurable – but partnered sex itself is not a right, or an entitlement. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. That is the attitude that has created and perpetuated rape culture, including the support of institutionally supported sexual violence such as marital rape which was only made illegal in Ireland in 1991; and male entitlement to sex, which is being encouraged in a new generation of men by incel communities and misogynistic public figures such as Andrew Tate.
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It was a long-planned event in some ways (the only bit I did not know was when I would be actually asked) and there was a lot of organisation that went into it. It was really beautiful and meaningful and there was a photographer hidden to take photographs, and my partner organised for both our families and some good friends to be at a brunch venue to celebrate. The day was beautiful too and I felt like I had special sunshine just for me for this special day. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"NRZXMGBT2BAWVJBFVOLGLGL7PM","additional_properties":{},"content":"But then it started to go downhill. As we were clinking champagne glasses and everyone was saying lovely things about us, my partner’s sister said that she had an announcement too and she told us that she had gotten engaged too. My family and friends all paused and looked a bit stunned, but then recovered and congratulated her and gave her lots of attention. I was blindsided and I admit I was angry at her usurping our special moment. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"V52XIQQ2ZNATBNR2XP2TQQK4T4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Her own family, including my partner, took it in their stride as if they were used to this and continued on with the day, but they did try to make excuses for her. I have not spent much time with my partner’s family and now I am realising why he has kept them at bay, but I am worried.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MFSKO7P6JDQPPAYNTK76E2SNE","additional_properties":{},"content":"What if she has another “limelight” moment at the wedding or any other time in our lives?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWNBQG4L2JHO7DC2FTYJI2OLZE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I don’t want to resent her, but, if I’m honest, this may already be happening.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYT4TJ6TFNEUPM7STEY64R5SX4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I also have questions about the rest of his family and their casualness about how she usurped our day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ZAHCQUABJH2PAROOFSFEGT6CQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"3U5DWOGPT5DNJCCZFMFITFJJJQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"It was very disappointing for you to feel that your special day had a blip in it, but, ultimately, the real point of the day is that you celebrated your engagement with all the important people in you and your partner’s lives.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q4MJMBQQOBCN5FUQDZWFTKJPDU","additional_properties":{},"content":"If this event was a once-off for your partner’s sister, she could be forgiven for being carried away by the excitement of the moment, but from what you say, this was not an isolated event and you may well need to address some issues. These are your partner’s family’s issues and as you are becoming his life partner, you will be affected by their family patterns, but you will also have an influence on future interactions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K6AYH56EHZFOPPXM2NXBTOIKBE","additional_properties":{},"content":"The starting point is to engage with your partner about his family and his insights and reflections on their story. The danger here is that you bring resentment or criticism to this discussion, and this will push him into either defending his family or feeling that he is betraying them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"24TXVRHVJFFRHOSWL56EHONMT4","additional_properties":{},"content":"My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leave","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5UGAUTKRXFCCBBA3VUOJ2VWYLY","additional_properties":{},"content":"Letting go of your own resentment is key to having an open and wide-ranging discussion and to do this you will need to accept fully everything that has happened and catch your own fear of future interruptions. You might take an approach of curiosity as this might help you seek understanding before you come to any concrete ideas of what is happening. Your fiancé is best placed to help you develop a compassionate and generous approach to his family and this will serve you well in all future interactions with them. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPQDR7SNUND5JDO4NXZSSMX3LY","additional_properties":{},"content":"Most of us know that the best way to get us to change anything is when people believe in us and can see our potential to reach beyond our normal capacity. This is what you are looking for here – both for your partner and his sister.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HEMRE5DZMBH7RA6T3DUE3HRCSE","additional_properties":{},"content":"Can you help your partner see that he might find a sensitive and perceptive way to engage with his sister around allowing him have the limelight for a day? He might (with your support) give his sister enough attention and care that she does not feel the need to grab it inappropriately. As with all such endeavours it is fraught with potential setbacks, but with patience and faith a lot can be achieved. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"2XPSXYDICVECHIIQHAW6XZVCZ4","additional_properties":{},"content":"When you are in love, as you are now, you are usually infused with extra capacity and benevolence, and this is an excellent time to spread some of that good nature around. Right now, your influence on others should be full of optimism and kindness and if you and your partner both put energy into engaging with his sister it might be the best chance you get for positive change.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I32AG2QQOVHILMBTPHYZYR6RJI","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘My lovely husband has changed . . . and I am one of the people he has pushed away’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"KYIL75WLSVBK7CMEYWB5QDDOQQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"It is worth a try and at worst you will have challenged your own resentment and elevated your partner’s capacity for compassion. It is crucial that you have the best possible attitude to your partner’s family, as your partner will thrive if there are good relationships between you and them. So much of our attitude is determined by choice, if only we can see that a choice exists.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTMSAWWBOZCBDGCO6HHB7MIOLI","additional_properties":{},"content":"Choose openness and kindness and this will allow you to thoroughly enjoy this lovely time in your life and you might even develop a lighter approach to your future sister-in-law and this will leave you free and unburdened.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HY34TCQPOJCK5PDARKO5FCLNTI","type":"list"},{"_id":"ZZEEUAOQHJDVBCE4PQZLQLHI2A","content":"