'I've got a copy of her birth certificate and her full credit history'

I've really gotten to know Daniella – thanks to a little snooping, writes ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLY

SO YOU'VE probably all heard at this stage about Sorcha's charity screening of the new Sex and the Citymovie, which she held at the Westbury on Thursday night to raise awareness of . . . I don't know, I can't even remember what? All I know is that everyone was there, from Caroline Twohig to Ruth O'Neill – it was a veritable who's that of the Irish entertainment industry.

And everyone agreed that it was the best day they could remember since the whole current economic thing storted. They were all milling Cosmos again, like in the good old days, and horsing down smoked salmon blinis with crème fraiche and baby beef wellingtons with foie gras pâté, as if no one had ever heard the name Sean Fitzpatrick.

I watched my old dear shove three poached quail’s eggs into her mouth and tell Pia Bang that she was beginning to think, on the evidence of tonight, that the country had turned some kind of corner. “Green shoots, Pia!” she went, showering the poor woman in a spray of hollandaise sauce. “Green shoots!”

I laughed, then turned around to Sorcha. "When I see my old dear eating," I went, "I always expect to hear that David Attenborough's voice, you know? The eggs are swallowed whole and will be digested slowly over the course of several weeks."

Sorcha slapped me – sort of, like, playfully? – then told me to be nice, though I could tell she found it funny. I told her she looked well and she went, "Thanks, Ross. It's a Halston Heritage purple pleated disco dress, the same one that Carrie wears in, like, the movie?" and I had to smile, because it's so long since I heard anyone in this country talk like that.

Various people stopped by to, like, commiserate with her on the – I suppose – liquidation of her boutique in the Powerscourt shopping centre.

Celia Holman Lee – who I've always had a major thing for – told her it was one of themost unique shops in the city, where you could always gets something a little bit different, and I thought, yeah, maybe she could tell Bank of Ireland that when they eventually get around to repossessing Sorcha's house. I didn't say it, though? Like I said, we were portying like it was still 2005.

“So,” Sorcha went, “how’s the big romance – the girl from the Hunky Dorys ad?”

I was like, “Daniella? Yeah, it’s actually going really well. Hennessy hired a private investigator, so I know a little bit more about her than I did. Her second name’s Devenny, she lives in Mount Merrion and she teaches Bikram yoga three nights a week in basically Sandycove – eight till nine-thirty.”

“Oh my God – is that not, like, stalking, Ross?”

“Well, it’s only considered stalking if your advances are, like, unwanted? Generally, if you’re good-looking it’s called wooing.”

“I suppose Hennessy knows the law.”

“He certainly does. I’ve also got a copy of her birth certificate and her full credit history. I really like this girl, Sorcha.”

“What are you going to do?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know – she’s, like, still not returning my calls?”

She laughed. "Ross, don't take this the wrong way, but it's so nice to see youbeing played for once," and then something caught her eye over the far side of the room and she went, "Oh! My God! Claire from Bray's turned up in the Something Blue Manolos from the first movie – that's, like, so 2008," and then she sort of, like, swept off and I heard her go, "Claire, your shoes are amazing!"

I knocked back an oyster shot with Tabasco and vodka and thought, yeah, this is how it always used to be. Even the blokes who’d obviously been dragged along looked happy, even though they knew that in an hour’s time they were going to be sat in the IFI watching SJP and the other three grunions talking dirty and banging their spines out.

I spotted Chloe, Sophie and Amie with an ie in a little huddle up at the bor. Chloe was being interviewed by Aisling O'Loughlin from TV3's Xposé.She was giving it, "Never mind loans for small to medium businesses – this is what the country actuallyneeds? I mean, look around you. Er, confidence? Hello?" which drew a round of applause and several shouts of "so true" from the Mount Anville class of '97.

I threw a miniature Yorkshire pudding with rare beef and horseradish into my mouth, and it was at that exact point that Sophie turned around to me and went, "Oh my God, Ross, do you knowhow many points are in even one of those things?"

I was like, "Points? Er, why wouldI?"

She sort of, like, eyed my waist then. "Believe me, Ross, you do notneed any more calories."

This comment, it has to be said, rocked me back on my heels. Maybe Daniella blowing me out had actually damaged my world-famous confidence.

“I always considered myself to have a pretty amazing bod,” I went.

Sophie, who knows her way around it, went, “You used to, Ross. But you’ve actually piled on the pounds. Of course, how old are you now – like, 30?”

Amie with an ie laughed.

She was there, "We were actually just discussing which Sex and the Citycharacter we each are? Oh my God, Ross, you are definitely Big!" and of course they laughed like it was the funniest thing anyone had ever said.

But then it suddenly hit me in, like, a blinding flash? Maybe I could do with toning up a bit. And what better way to do it than Bikram?

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