Dear One Direction: hoax letter from NSync’s Joey Fatone outrages fans

It’s a tough week to be a One Direction fan

Remaining One Direction members Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson and Niall Horan. Photograph: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

Remaining One Direction members Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson and Niall Horan. Photograph: Kevin Mazur/WireImage

 

It’s a tough week to be a One Direction fan. Following the shock ‘it’s just a break, not a breakup’ announcement on Monday and reports that they will split permanently in March next year, insult was added to injury when a letter from former NSYNC member Joey Fatone was published telling One Direction that 'everything is about to be terrible'.

Dear Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Harry Styles,

Hey guys. It’s Joey Fatone, former member of NSync and current announcer on Family Feud, the job I’ve always dreamed of. This weekend, while sitting on the toilet and crying (I LOVE MY LIFE!!!) I flipped through my iPhone and saw that you’d announced a “one-year hiatus” beginning in March. I just wanted to congratulate you guys and wish you well! I’m sure 2016 will be a wonderful time for everyone from One Direction to pursue some independent projects before regrouping as a stronger band one year later! Here’s to spreading your wings!

HAHAHAHA, PSYCH.

Here’s how it’s gonna go down, fellas. While you’re all on hiatus, Harry will record some dope singles with Beyonce, Ryan Adams and Wiz Khalifa, come out with a killer solo album produced by Pharrell and Timbaland, cut his hair, dye his hair, do a second less awesome album, let his hair grow super long and wear it in two braids, crush a self-effacing cameo in a Judd Apatow movie, buzz his hair and release a third, self-produced album on which he hints at being bisexual that everyone will call his “best work.”

The rest of you are fucked. I mean fucked. I am the second most-successful former member of NSync and I am Joey Fatone. Say that outloud to yourself: “Besides Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone is the most successful member of NSync.”

Here’s me being a spokesman for Bosley hair restoration last year:

131205-JOEY-FATONE-HAIR-AD_WEB

Best case scenario, you’ll do a 6-week stint in Minions: The Musical! on Broadway before you bounce around different hosting jobs on channels like Spike and TruTv. Do you know what Chris Kirkpatrick is doing? Because I don’t. He’s completely unreachable. He might be managing a Best Buy in Sacramento, he might be dead. No one knows. Louis, I’m looking at you.

There is one exception: If one of you is gay you might have a shot. Wait till One Direction has been dead for two years, kiss your hot boyfriend at an awards show, then ride that relevance like a beautiful boner and pray to god you get a show on Bravo.

It’s not that you guys aren’t talented, it’s that Harry is so, so much cuter, cooler and more talented than the rest of you. Deep down, you’ve always known that, but you will never truly understand it until you’re in your grimy little condo, sitting in your boxers, sucking a chow mein noodle off your Playstation controller and watching Harry blow it up on SNL.

Jesus christ I wish I was still in NSync. Jesus… JESUS FUCK! I would give all my hair to go back to that.

Anyway, enjoy the next few months, One Direction, because they’re your last.

 

Fortunately for One Direction, and unfortunately for everyone else who found the letter hilarious, it’s not real. It was actually written by the comedian Joanna Bradley for AboveAverage.com, a site behind some of the funniest videos and articles online. However, the One Direction Fans who didn’t realise this reacted... poorly.

Fake Joey Fatone has a point though. When One Direction finally goes down, it’s clear to everyone except Zayn Malik that Harry Styles is the one coming out on top. One look at Google Trends will show that Harry leaves the remaining three in the dust. Liam Payne, AKA ‘The Other One’, isn’t even getting on Strictly if this graph is any indication.

So far though the One Direction boys are swearing up and down that this is not the end, and they will be back. After they each give their solo career a shot. Given that Backstreet Boys, East 17 and Take That are still touring, One Direction will probably be around in one form or another until the end of time.

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