Heir of the dogma is just the job

LISTEN: There is a top class job coming up over in Rome. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (69), the Vatican Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, has "grown weary" of his post and plans to retire. He has just accepted his fourth five year contract but in 2002 the job will be up for grabs.

The Cardinal wants "someone with new ideas and temperament" to succeed him.

Right. Anyone who thinks it is too early to start thinking about applying might as well stop reading now. Full knowledge of the high moral ground - what am I saying, man, the most exalted moral ground imaginable will be essential, because the job principally involves being the custodian of the dogmatic truths of the Church.

That doesn't necessarily mean that museum or art gallery custodians or even custodians of the peace will have the inside track. It's a "minder" job obviously, but don't get the wrong idea. There is nothing airy fairy about it just because the dogmatic truths are not tangible things that you can lock up in a secure safe. They are constantly under attack all over the world so there will be a lot of travel involved. You can forget about going home to Sky Sports and the few bottles of beer in the evening for a start.

Hold on: Jacques B., a trainee Swiss Guard at the Vatican who happens to owe me a favour or two, has come up trumps - he's pushing the job spec through the fax machine this minute.

God, it's endless I'll sum it up: "The role of the Vatican Prefect is. . .to manage high profile projects which will significantly contribute to the success of our business and assist with . . . management of change.

"The role covers ... the whole spectrum of information systems development from project management, process redesign, project evaluation and justification through to analysis, design, systems testing and implementation. He or she (just joking! - Jacques) will report to the managing director on staff management, auditing programmes, be responsible for liaison with customers...deal with external regulatory agencies and quality control with particular reference to EN4679, the CE Mark and other certifications..."

Look, there are reams more of this stuff clogging up the fax machine. I need hardly tell you the remuneration is good and the perks not bad either, with a two bedroomed loft style apartment in the Vatican itself, a top of the range Alfa Romeo 164 complete with mobile phone and six weeks off every year, including a month's free time share in a very nice apartment complex down near Rimini.

There is no harm in applying: if you're not in you can't win. It is a job for a professional and a damned good one too. The lira is currently weak, of course (though it has been allowed creep back into the ERM, its head hung low with many apologies, like Kavanagh's swan) but the charms of Rome never pall.

. All right. One of our letterwriters, Mr John Little, recently took Weather Eye politely to task over the relationship between music and the weather, with particular reference to the music of Sibelius.

Mr Little is quite correct in his musical references and Weather Eye was (unusually) ever so slightly mistaken. I am more interested myself, however, in why there is so little evocation of stormy weather in the music of Sibelius, given the tempestuous nature of his life. It is all very well to say he took much of his inspiration from the Scandinavian landscape which, outside Iceland, is not particularly noted for dramatic effects. My own theory is that because of his notoriously heavy drinking, Sibelius was highly reluctant to use any more than the minimal "big bang" musical effects necessitated by his symphonic themes.

Anyone who has ever suffered a hangover will appreciate this. For the same reason, one of the cruellest things you can do to a person suffering the after effects of drink is to turn on the record player at the scene from Catalani's opera La Wally when the poor girl dies in an avalanche. The build up is deceptive but the avalanche itself strikes like - well, like an avalanche I suppose. Renata Tebaldi is particularly effective in the role (on Decca) and her scream as she tumbles down the mountain to her death would frighten the life out of you. {CORRECTION} 96112600006