Bill, Monica and the Question

As the men of America gathered around their television sets to watch Sunday night's Super Bowl, many of them could ask themselves only one question. Would their wives accept from them the kind of reassurance allegedly proffered by Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, that only full sexual intercourse constitutes adultery?

This is what the Daily Telegraph correctly stated in a leading article the other day, but it omitted to supply the answer, which is obviously what we were all dying to know. Fortunately I can help. I was there when the Question was asked, in my friend Chuck D'Angelo Bosney's home in Hoboken, New Jersey. Chuck is middle America personified, and proud if it, and you have to figure that if he and his pals can't answer the Question, well dang it, no one can. He's that kind of guy.

I arrived at Chuck's house about half an hour before the game. His wife Martha and her pals had escaped to a "Super Bowl widow" eat'n'shop night in the local 24-hour mall while Chuck brought a few of the boys around to watch the game on his new 60inch octophonic wall-hung flatscreen. That is some television, I can tell you.

Anyway, I am introduced to the boys and have them figured straightaway for decent right-on Americans. Chuck passes around the cold cans with a little Jack Daniels on the side, we pick our spots on the sofas in front of that giant screen and we are all good buddies in just about no time at all. "Boys, we got us four hours without the little ladies", Chuck tells us: "So enjoy." Hell, we don't need to be told. We are all Green Bay Packers fans, all but Chuck, that is. He is the kind of guy who likes to support the underdog and every kind of wild card maverick, so he is rooting for the Denver Broncos. Chuck takes a lot of friendly fire over this, but when those two teams pour into the Jack Murphy Stadium in the cool of that beautiful San Diego Sunday evening we are united in the way only American football fans can be, and you should have heard us roar. It's a man thing, I guess. The Question comes right after Antonio Freeman's terrific 22-yard touchdown for Green Bay, and is posed a little less formally than the Telegraph imagines. "Say Chuck", asks his next-door neighbour Wally Camaro, as Chuck fiddles with the remote control 3D-enhancer, "You figure if I hit on that little blonde Packers cheerleader, and get to first base with her, maybe even second, and my Wanda gets to hear about it, everything's gonna be fine if I use the Clinton defence, or will she cut up rough?"

The guys like Wally but the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl and the game is livening up and we are sinking those cold Buds and it is one wonderful night. Nobody speaks: we are all eyes for Terrell Davis who is just about to run in his first of three touchdowns for the Broncos from one yard. Chuck raises a loud cheer while the rest of us groan. Only then does Chuck turn his attention to Wally and the Question: "A Packers cheerleader?

Wally, take a look at yourself. You're 53. You got a pot belly. You got no hair. You can't see past 50 paces and you don't walk too good no more, never mind anything else what we maybe don't know about. I don't think Wanda got much cause for worry."

Then we watch John Elway put away another one-yard TD before Jason Elam's 51-yard field goal makes it 17-7 for the Broncos. What a kick! It is not looking good for the Packers.

"That don't answer my question", said Wally. He is one obstinate guy, that's for sure. So Big Al cuts in: "Wally, you got a field goal, you got a touchdown, there's different ways of scoring, you win whatever way you can, it don't make no odds, the points just pile up. All right?" Just then, Mark Chmura's six-yard TD catch and Ryan Longwell's 27-yard field goal bring the Packers level and we are ecstatic until Davis puts the Broncos ahead again with a short TD run after a 92-yard drive.

"Clinton says he has the Bible to back him up", says Wally. He don't give up easy.

"Wally", says Wilf, "the Bible is one good book but the people who quote it ain't always so good. Looks to me like the Denver Broncos' defence is a hell of a lot more impressive than the Clinton defence, that's all I'm saying."

And that is where we leave it. "No more questions", says Chuck, "unless it's about touchdown decisions. Pitch me another cold one, Al. We got us a game to watch." Freeman now makes his 13-yard TD catch to level the score but then Davis scores his third TD. The Packers get the ball back with just about 100 seconds left but the Broncos are holding firm and it is just about all over.

I figure these good American guys have their priorities right and when the Big Questions come up they will never be stuck for an answer.