Back up for fathers who want to know best

INCREASINGLY, fathers are seeking help to cope with difficult teenagers. Parentline, the telephone support service run by the Organisation for Parents Under Stress, has seen a 20 per cent increase in calls' from fathers in recent years.

Parentline is now urgently seeking volunteers - particularly men - to help deal with a 25 per cent increase in calls overall from worried parents.

Three in four callers who phoned the helpline on Christmas Eve were fathers, according to the organisation's administrator, Val Smith. Fathers who call them are usually experiencing one of two problems: firstly, there is the separated father who is financially supportive but can't cope with the loneliness that stares back at him from the four walls of the apartment or family home.

Secondly, there is the father who is being rejected by his teenage child. "Fathers are devastated when the aggressive teenager refuses to kick the football in the garden as he did as a child," Smith says. Such a father does not adapt well to the personality changes of his child but, she says, still desperately longs to be involved in that child's development.

More and more fathers play an active role in parenthood and fathers attitudes are changing - they are prepared to show they are hurt or offended, Smith adds.

One volunteer, Margaret O'Rorke, says a lot of teenagers go through angry phases and think their parents are a nuisance. She says nearly 40 per cent of calls are from parents who simply can't deal with their belligerent offspring. In 1995, there were 747 calls arising from concerns regarding children aged 12 to 18.

"These teenagers are lashing back at their parents when refused permission to go to concerts and discos," Val Smith says. Many of today's parents can't control their offspring - and are choosing to sound off against an anonymous "listening ear".

And it's teenagers who are ruling the roost: their parents psychologically battered by their little angels wings, according to one volunteer.

Parentline encounters many parents whose problems snowball when their children delve into drugs and dabble with drink. Some actually know their child swallowing ecstasy tablets every week or rolling hash joints in the bedroom: they phone Parentline help on how to handle it according to one volunteer.

Others may miss the give away evidence stuffed in the sock drawer and may blame the mood swings of their child on pre menstrual tension or puberty. The helpline can identify the blatant signs of drug taking and inform the parent.

ANOTHER breaking point for most parents comes when their own marital relationship on the line during the roaring arguments adolescents are only too capable of instigating.

In the case of separation, it is single parents who are under stress, whether with young children as they delve deep into their dictionary of terms to search for the words to explain why daddy isn't living with mummy anymore - or vice versa, or with adolescents clutching a racket of revenge as they play one parent off the other in a poisonous game of ping pong.

A further source of friction can be the struggle faced by many 16 and 17 years olds to get a third level educational place and Smith also attributes the increase in calls for the pressure of the "points race", which produces untold stress on parents. She says the continual striving for educational success creates an even more aggressive teenager.

And the problem can continue and worsen into adulthood, with angry sons assaulting their own mothers - this problem has escalated in recent years, according to Parentline. Smith attributes the violence to the fledglings in their 20s who remain at home feeding off their parents income, expecting, their mothers and fathers to foot the bills of their indecision about how they should proceed with life.

And Parentline also handles the other side of the abuse cycle, where the parent physically strikes the child and feels guilty afterwards. "These remorseful parents are regretful after they lash out at their children without thinking and I would admire them for having the courage to try to change their behaviour and break the cycle of abuse," Smith says.

Bullying of children in schools is also a difficult problem for parents and" Parentline tells the worried caller to be alert for the signs of emotional scars the child could suffer after enduring the brunt of the bully. "Often the parent does not wish to approach the school for help," Smith adds.

THE organisation is seeking volunteers to join their team of 44. They need "balanced people with strong personalities and mountains of understanding", according to O'Rorke. They are particularly keen to recruit more male volunteers, because of the increase in calls' from fathers. Smith believes a father might relate better to a male listener.

Nonetheless, it must be stressed that the number of female callers outweighed males in 1995. The organisation demands huge commitment and empathy from its volunteers.

Smith says although the organisation is not an advice giving service, it offers a sympathetic ear to many an anxious parent.

Thirty three hours of training for the new volunteers will begin this month, when they will be taught now to listen. Part of the helpline's service offered is to refer some callers to appropriate statutory bodies.

Smith hopes to acquire a freephone number to reduce charges both to callers and to Parentline, which frequently phones people back. Many callers contact Parentline from public phone boxes where the volunteers can't ring them back - and these stressed parents bear the entire cost of their cry for help - which can run into a sizeable sum, particularly if they are calling from the country. Smith feels parents outside the Dublin area are heavily penalised in this way at present.

Parentline also offers a drop in centre in Dublin.

Parentline receives calls from worried deaf parents. These calls are arranged through Telecom Eireann, by computer. Smith hopes Parentline will be able to acquire a computer of its own and arrange such calls without the intervention of a third party to ensure more privacy.

Parentline, whose first call was taken in 1983, is funded by the Eastern Health Board and income is also raised through donations and grants.