A time to speak out on male sex abuse

One male sex abuse victim tells Shane Hegarty how difficult it is to get help and how he still fears he won't be believed.

'It's not believed that a woman can abuse a man or that an adult female can abuse a male child. A male can hurt a female, but a female can't hurt a male. It is very little to do with the physical nature, though, and more to do with control. It's about total dominance," says Anthony [not his real name\]. When he looked for help to deal with the sexual abuse he suffered as a child, he discovered that there are very few places to turn.

He called the helpline set up to deal with institutional abuse survivors, and he was told to contact a solicitor. But he was abused outside those institutions.

"The subject might be in the public eye at the moment," says Anthony, "but there's very little information."

Next Saturday, an international conference will take place in Galway on a topic most presume has been given widespread coverage, but which professionals say we have been given only part of the picture. The Sexual Violence Against Males conference has the subtitle: Highlighting the Extent and Nature of Sexual Abuse Against Males in Ireland and among its aims is to educate the public that such abuse is not something which happened only in religious schools or the notorious institutions.

According to Jimmy Haran, co-ordinator with the organisers, Male Abuse Survivors Centre (MASC), 90 per cent of male victims were abused outside these areas. Yet, while the conference will be attended by professionals from Norway, New Zealand, Switzerland, France and Britain, he says he is struggling to convince the Government and health boards that this is worthwhile.

"I think it's basically because if they attend then they'll have to recognise that the services need to be funded," he says.

While groups dealing with clerical abuse are well-funded, the Galway-based MASC, which focuses on more general cases, is not.

"The Western Health Board funds less than 10 per cent of what we need, much of which is Lottery funding. The rest is through donations."

The group is contacted by approximately 100-150 men a year, and while this weekend's conference means "men in boreens will see it's being recognised and might want to come forward", the services are still not there for them.

"It's like there's a conspiracy of silence," says Haran, of the authorities. "Unless they think that by simply keeping quiet then it will just die a natural death. That the existing services will take control and that in two years' time the problem will be dead and gone."

Anthony found MASC by chance, picking up a flyer while in an office that offered financial advice from another group. He immediately recognised it was the Irish word for "respect".

He had first looked for help while living in the US during the 1990s. His then-partner specialised in the study of abuse, and it led Anthony to counselling. However, he continued to struggle with it until he found MASC. While groups such as One in Four have done ground-breaking work with survivors from institutions and are now giving voice to both men and women who suffer sexual abuse, Anthony felt MASC's strength was that it had been set up specifically to help men who had suffered non-institutional abuse.

Now 43, he was periodically abused during spells in hospital, by both a man and woman. It happened from the age of three-and-a-half, throughout his childhood.

"The self was ripped out of me at a very early age. It left a hollowness that was always present," he says. "There's still a fear that I won't be believed. It's not something I've spoken about publicly. It came out under anaesthetic, under my drug choice, which was alcohol. I was always suppressing something, but it always comes out in the end."

He worries that the reporting of sexual abuse as linked only to the church and industrial schools may have had unwanted repercussions. "It might have alienated people. This was a very vulnerable part of society and if you don't fit into that category, then forget about it, it's not the same. They were entrapped as well as abused. But many who were abused outside the institutions find it more difficult to come forward, because they get the same response I got, which was to phone a solicitor."

Anthony wonders if abuse may be at least partly responsible for some of the suicides in Ireland each year.

Boston-based psychotherapist Mike Lew, whose books, Victim No Longer and Leaping Upon The Mountains are guides for both professionals and survivors, says men who wish to break their silence face different problems to women. "It's changed to a degree. It's easier than it was for men to come forward, but it's still not that easy. It's not even that it's easier, but that it's less overwhelmingly intimidating," says Lew, who will be addressing the Galway conference.

While all victims ask the question "Why me?", he says there are variations among men, sub-dividing again depending upon their sexual orientation.

"A heterosexual man will ask "Why me, does this mean that I'm really gay?" They ask this even if they have never had a same-sex attraction. A man abusing a boy is no more a homosexual relationship than a man abusing a girl is a heterosexual relationship. In both cases it is about an abuse of power and about child abuse. But it speaks to our confusion about homophobia and to an adolescent's confusion about sexuality." It is extremely difficult for the victim to admit to this. "They should be allowed to voice those fears without being laughed at."

For gay men, meanwhile, the question is even more complex. "They ask, 'Is this what made me gay?'. There is no research or anecdotal scientific evidence to show a causal connection. There is no difference in the proportion of gay or straight men who were abused. The proportion of gay men in treatment is larger, as heterosexual men are less likely to come forward.

"Also, they ask themselves, 'Was this done because I'm gay'. This is more complex, because it's not that they deserved the abuse at all, but we have cultural expectations of what a child should be like and act like and any child that departs from that can be isolated and mistreated. Isolation is a precondition for abuse and the abuser looks for the isolated child."

For some men, the context of the abuse can be confusing.

"If they were abused by a woman, there is more difficulty," explains Lew. "We expect boys to be men and to be excited by sex with women under any circumstances. So this abuse is less likely to be disclosed. It's more likely to take a long time to emerge and it's also more likely to be minimised and even romanticised. Sex is seen as an initiation into manhood, something that is joked about. So the individual feels shamed because he's supposed to be happy about being victimised."

Lew also describes what he calls the "double bind" which can trap some men.

"Adolescent boys are all about hormones and if any part of it felt good, if the body reacted, it's less likely to feel like abuse. If it didn't, they wonder 'maybe I'm gay'. There is no winning in this."

Fatherhood is often the trigger for men to come forward for help. "There are a lot of male abuse survivors who decided either never to become parents for fear of not being perfect, or from the incorrect stereotype of the abused becoming the abuser.

"Even if they have never had an inkling of attraction to a child they worry that some day something inside them will click and suddenly they will turn into child abusers. In fact, the vast majority of them do not go on to be abusers."

It is depressing to hear that in the US there have been some cases in which a father's decision to seek treatment has later been used against him in divorce proceedings.

He says the recent sex abuse scandals have educated the public somewhat, but the problems remain.

"The abuse stories are heart-rending, but it is the tip of the iceberg. We have not looked at non-western countries yet. But because there has been so much attention, then people who arereal and ordinary are speaking up. It's raising public awareness and encouraging dialogue.

"If any good is to come out of these terrible events, it's that victims are being listened to and believed and in some cases compensated, although there is not enough compensation for a robbed childhood," says Lew.

Meanwhile, he believes that the upcoming conference will be invaluable. "People say to me that this work must be draining and upsetting. On the contrary. Yes, it's hard work and difficult and the stories tear me up inside. But I've met some of the most impressive, creative, intelligent, powerful, heroic people all across the world. And I'm sure I'll meet them again in Ireland."

Sexual Violence Against Males, MASC conference runs in the Quality Hotel, Oranmore, Co Galway, on September 25th and 26th. It is open to the public, details of booking and fees available from MASC's helpline, 091 530094. Mike Lew's website is www.victimsnolonger.org