We came to meet Vera Pauw not entirely knowing what to say or how to say it. Her press conference on Friday was ostensibly to announce her Ireland squad for the upcoming crucial World Cup qualifiers against Finland and Slovakia. But it was also her first time appearing in front of the media since revealing in the summer that she had been raped and sexually assaulted on three separate occasions during her playing career, over three decades ago.
The cases against the men involved, all of whom were employed within Dutch football at the time, are ongoing. But even without taking a swim in the legal waters, we weren’t sure whether or not it was appropriate to ask her about it on a human level. So we settled for asking how she was.
“It’s okay to ask,” she replied, kindly. “I’ve been hiding under a stone for a few weeks. Then I decided to first go on television [on RTÉ during the Euros] because I wanted to thank everybody for the exceptional warmth. I said already it was overwhelming. I could hardly grasp the warmth from everybody from Ireland. It kept me on my feet. Ireland has shown the lead because after that, the positive reactions were coming from elsewhere.
“Yeah, it’s just something ... it’s the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. But also the best thing. Because I feel free, it’s out of my body, I feel open in my relationships with people. But there is still a long way to go.
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I say this now to help others who maybe are not there yet. It needs to get out of your body. I feel that a barrier has disappeared
“I want to be seen as a coach first. I’m the same Vera. For me, it is the end of the process — for you, it is a shock. For you, it’s probably, ‘How do I approach it?’ Yeah, it’s difficult for the other side as well, I understand that. I’m a better Vera than I was before my statement.”
When we asked her what she meant by feeling free, she spoke with clarity and purpose, leaving no mystery as to the burden she had carried for the majority of her adult life.
“I’m happy to be open about that,” she said. “It’s in all different aspects in my relations to people. You can only feel it afterwards. You feel you have to do something to change your life. I say this now to help others who maybe are not there yet. It needs to get out of your body. I feel that a barrier has disappeared.
[ Vera Pauw says she was raped and sexually assaultedOpens in new window ]
[ Dutch football coach denies allegations of rape made by Vera PauwOpens in new window ]
“It’s in little things. Being confident to speak with somebody in another language that you are not so comfortable in. Even those things. That you are okay with what you are wearing. All things like that. People do not realise the impact that it has on a woman’s life if you keep that inside.
“So I want to say to all the women, if you have the guts, deal with it. Because it really gets to your heart. Where you look in the mirror when you dress up for the coach conference in Uefa and you think for the first time in your life, ‘oh that looks nice on you’. Because before, you only see as if you are judged on how you look instead of who you are.
“That is freedom for me. In my relationship with people around me, especially the ones I don’t know too well. The ones that I know very well, it is different. But even for them, they say ‘We see an open and more confident Vera in who you are.’”
The coming week will be her first time meeting her Ireland players as a group since it all came out. At the time, they all sent her messages of support and she did a session last week with the Ireland-based members of the squad. But this will be their first time all in a room together, on a pitch together. Another step along the road together.
“I’ve not met them yet,” she said. “Wednesday was the first time that I was on the pitch again, with the home-based players. So I spoke with them — and I must say talking with them about it is much harder than talking in public about it. Because they get into your heart. It’s something you have to deal with and I’m ready for it. I’m full of energy. I’ve got more energy than I’ve had in years.”
A good thing too, since she is heading into the biggest week the Irish women’s team has had in aeons. World Cup qualification is within their grasp — beat Finland and it’s playoff time. Tallaght sold out in half an hour when the tickets came out so the expectation around them is only going to skyrocket between now and Thursday. Pauw wants them to embrace it. All of it.
That is why we played those games against the big opponents last year. We know our limits and we know that we are growing
“This squad is special,” she said. “This squad is so special. We have played in front of a big crowd in Sweden, a big crowd in Finland. Everybody was saying, ‘Will this bring up the pressure for them?’ We’ve played almost a full house at home. These players are independent of that.
“Of course, we work a lot on being independent of it – it’s not coming by itself. But I’ve never seen a team responding so well in different circumstances than this team. They are so focused, they really know what they are doing on the pitch. We’ll see if that’s good enough. But no, I think it will only be a boost for us.
“We have earned this position. So why would you neglect it? This team has grown step by step by step by step. And now we are in the position that everybody expects something from us. We know what we want. We have found our limits. That is why we played those games against the big opponents last year. We know our limits and we know that we are growing.
“But we will not put on pants that are too big in size. I said that before. Because those pants will end up at your ankles. We can only succeed if we are realistic.”
⋅ If you have been affected by the issues raised in this article you can contact the Rape Crisis Network’s national 24-hour helpline on 1800 778 888
Republic of Ireland squad
Goalkeepers: Courtney Brosnan (Everton), Grace Moloney (Reading), Megan Walsh (Brighton & Hove Albion), Eve Badana (DLR Waves).
Defenders: Harriet Scott (Birmingham City), Claire O’Riordan (Celtic), Diane Caldwell (Reading), Louise Quinn (Birmingham City), Niamh Fahey (Liverpool), Hayley Nolan (London City Lionesses), Chloe Mustaki (Bristol City), Megan Campbell (Liverpool), Áine O’Gorman (Peamount United).
Midfielders: Katie McCabe (Arsenal), Denise O’Sullivan (North Carolina Courage), Megan Connolly (Brighton & Hove Albion), Ruesha Littlejohn (Aston Villa), Jamie Finn (Birmingham City), Ciara Grant (Hearts), Lily AGG (London City Lionesses), Ellen Molloy (Wexford Youths), Jess Ziu (West Ham United), Lucy Quinn (Birmingham City).
Forwards: Heather Payne (Florida State University), Amber Barrett (FFC Turbine Potsdam), Leanne Kiernan (Liverpool), Abbie Larkin (Shelbourne), Saoirse Noonan (Durham WFC).
