Batistuta hoax

(1) Aberdeen fans: They read on the club's official website back in August that they had just signed Argentinian legend Gabriel Batistuta for £22 million after he used a release-clause in his contract that would allow him leave Serie A's Roma if a Scottish club came in for him. The hilariously heartless hoax was the work of a hacker.

(2) Merseyside burglars: First, they were unfortunate enough to "call" at Duncan Ferguson's house when the big man was at home and, consequently, left on stretchers; then they burgled Jamie Redknapp's home and left with nothing more exciting than a video of the crocked midfielder's knee operation.

(3) Jason McAteer: According to Ian Harte he gave his Ma a Ralph Lauren polo shirt to wash. "Those shirts are longer at the back than at the front - his mum didn't spot this until after she'd washed it, thought she'd shrunk the front, so cut the back to make both sides equal. He says that's where he gets his stupidity from."

(4) Proud Barcelona-supporting father: Brought his 11-month-old baby to the club's museum, put him in the replica of the European Cup and had his photo taken. Then he tried to take him out, and couldn't. It took police and firemen more than 20 minutes to release the youngster.

(5) Phil Thompson: In the eyes of opposing fans, the length and breadth of England, it seems nothing he achieves, in the temporary absence of Gerard Houllier, will match the size of his nose ("We've got Dom Matteo, you've got Pinocchio", "Hey, Phil Thompson, ooh, aah, I want to kno-o-o-ow, where you got that nose").