NEWTON'S OPTIC:Ministers in the new Northern Ireland Executive are an elite bunch indeed, writes NEWTON EMERSON
Lurch Dowdy (SF)
Dept of Schools and Teachers
Seen as much easier to deal with than his predecessor, Dowdy is in fact only slightly easier to deal with than his predecessor. He plans to end 11-plus years of chaos in the exam system and replace it with another 11-plus years of chaos in the exam system.
Darlene Gloucester (DUP)
Dept of Invest NI
Responsible for a department that has outsourced every function to a single quango, Gloucester has essentially nothing to do except phone it up every now and again and ask if anyone wants a raise. Widely regarded as the DUP’s most successful Minister.
Kárén Ní Irishname (SF)
Dept of Sports and Hobbies
A former IRA prisoner, Ní Irishname still refuses to wash her hair in tribute to the dirty protest. Her duties will include performing the coin-toss at Northern Ireland international matches and translating an Irish language Act into Ulster-Scots. This department accounts for 1 per cent of Stormont’s budget and 99 per cent of its sectarian arguments.
Kenny Dannedy (UUP)
Dept of Roads and Stuff
The UUP’s only remaining Minister, Dannedy hopes to reverse the party’s increasingly hardline image by cancelling a cross-Border dual-carriageway through Tyrone, telling Dublin to mind its own business and spending the money on a dual-carriageway to Carrickfergus instead.
Chantelle Maybelline (SF)
Dept of Farm Subsidies
Viewed as a rising star in Sinn Féin’s drive to attract the middle class, Maybelline should just about attract the lower middle class. Somebody else can take it from there.
Dudwin Hoots (DUP)
Dept of Doctors and Nurses
Formerly a minister for supermarkets, airports and council mergers, Hoots has no knowledge of the health service but has had considerable experience with accidents and emergencies. Determined to hit the ground running, he has already requested a detailed briefing on the difference between consultants and the other type of consultants.
David Anglia (Alliance)
Dept of Crime and Punishment
Appointed under a cross-community compromise where Sinn Féin and the DUP agree that dealing with the legal profession should be left to someone who went to university.
Stephen Saddle (Alliance)
Dept of Universities
The first Alliance Minister appointed through the ballot box and the last Executive post to be filled, this officially makes Alliance the party of middle-class issues nobody else can be bothered with.
Horatio Causeway (DUP)
Dept of Welfare and Council Houses
Known for his strong Christian beliefs, Causeway should bring a biblical perspective to Tory welfare reform. In particular, the 10 per cent of Northern Ireland’s population on disability benefits may be told to get off their beds and walk.
Alan Deadwood (SDLP)
Dept of Planning and Litter
The SDLP’s only and possibly last Minister, Deadwood takes charge of planning. Specifically, he has to plan for the removal of his party leader without being removed as well. Also within his remit are the tasks of recycling waste, preserving historic ruins and taking old vehicles off the road.
Hammy Simpson (DUP)
Dept of Accounts and Wages
As the man who decides how much every department gets, Simpson is the only one of these Ministers who counts, after London counts out how much he gets in the first place.