HAVE YOU ever been maddened by phone robots saying how much they value your call and leaving you hanging on for ever? Even worse, have you ever been lured into communicating with a machine in the belief that it is human? If so, the following story should interest you – be warned, though, that it goes slightly peculiar in the middle.
Recently I heard Benjamin Britten’s Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings on the radio and liked it enough to go online and buy the Berlin Philharmonic version conducted by Simon Rattle. The iTunes price, €9.99, was reasonable, especially as the Serenade was accompanied by other Britten compositions.
I only discovered how many after the recording had downloaded into my computer – 99 tracks, including the War Requiem and a host of other pieces. More than five hours of music in fact.
So I then sent the following message to iTunes: “I bought the Simon Rattle Britten CD (an EMI production) for €9.99 as advertised – I suspect the price is wrong. Please advise.”
Why didn’t I mind my own business? My answer is, perhaps, not very creditable: I was rather hoping iTunes would say, “Thanks very much for pointing out the error, please send us another 40 quid” (or whatever the correct price is). Whereupon I would say, “No way!” How simple-minded and mean-spirited can one be?
What I got instead was the following: “Dear Brian, Greetings from iTunes Store Customer Support. My name is Akash and it’s my pleasure assisting you today. I understand that you purchased the album for €9.99 but you suspect you have been charged wrongly. I realise your eagerness to have this fixed. I will be glad to assist you with the necessary information to have this resolved. I checked your account and my resources and I would like to inform you that the album is available for €8.69 but after purchasing the album you will be charged €9.99 including taxes. You have been charged €9.99 for the purchase. I hope the above information is helpful. If you have any other questions or require further assistance, please reply to the e-mail.
“Thank you for being a valued iTunes Store customer. Have a great day ahead! Sincerely, Akash iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support.”
Well, I thought, Akash seems to have missed the point, but maybe my original message was a bit cryptic. So I replied: “Dear Akash, Thanks for this. That price is fine with me but as it is a five-CD box set I suspect the record company (EMI) won’t be happy. “ To which I received the following reply: “Dear Brian, It’s Akash and I am glad to hear back from you. I’m sorry but I was unable to determine the nature of your inquiry based on the information you have provided. Please reply to this email with more information about the issue you are experiencing, as well as the complete text of any and all error messages you receive. I look forward to your reply. Have a great day ahead! Sincerely, Akash.”
It was at this point that I realised I'd been talking to a computer. So, partly to amuse myself, I went mad and replied as follows: "Dear Akash, I wonder have you ever read The Real Life of Sebastian Knightby Vladimir Nabokov? I ask because, just as in the novel one comes to doubt the existence of Knight, one is sorry to say that one has put two and two together and, reluctantly, rounding up the usual suspects, come to the conclusion that you, dear Akash, on the plane of the real, exiting Casablanca, don't add up to being even a single being, never mind a hill of them . . . If I'm wrong, please forgive me. Still and all, if there was any justice in the world, or in your program, iTunes would be offering me, as well as a refund of my €9.99, some kind of reward – say, a free download of the Rattle Mahler box set – in return for saving the company and EMI a, potentially, enormous sum of money . . . As ever, Brian.
To which I received the following: "Dear Brian, It's Akash and I am glad to hear back from you. I'm sorry to learn that this item did not meet the standard of quality you have come to expect from the iTunes Store. I have reversed the charge for Simon Rattle Edition: Britten. In five to seven business days, a credit of €9.99 should be posted to the credit card that appears on the receipt for that purchase.
“Brian, I hope this resolves the issue for you. If you have any other questions or require further assistance, please reply to the email.
“Thank you for being a valued iTunes Store customer. Have a great day ahead! Sincerely, Akash.”
What can I say? Nothing. Indeed I would blush with shame, but on reflection I realise that Akash’s kindness and forbearance have less to do with his humanity than they have with the way his program is set up to respond – if a customer keeps on complaining and using certain trigger words, such as my use of the word “refund”, it’s easier not to argue and, instead, simply to surrender, apologise and give him his money back.
Whether this theory is true or not, readers may wish to know that, at the time of writing, the big Britten bargain is still available on iTunes . . .