`When I think of William Hague, nothing occurs to me." The view is not mine, but it is shared by many Tories. It is the opinion of George Walden, a maverick ex-Tory MP whose book Lucky George is being serialised this week in the London Times. In fact, George has little to say that is good of any Tory, which should come as no surprise. He considers us an ageing party whose ballot paper symbol in a more primitive democracy should be a zimmer-frame. While all of this has been going on in the papers, the Conservative party itself has had very little good to say about anyone.
Lady Thatcher, that ageing bird of prey, is reported "to have gone ballistic"- as if it mattered. Peter Lilley, the deputy party leader, has made a much-edited speech proclaiming an end to Thatcherism, and by so doing has thrown Michael Howard and Anne Widdecombe into each other's arms. Alan Duncan Smith (of whom few have heard) has threatened to quit the shadow cabinet and grey heads have been shaken in the 1922 Committee. It is as if the Crazy Gang has quit the top of Whitehall and moved lock, stock and barrel into the Palace of Westminster.
As captain of this ship of fools, it cannot be long before the boy finds himself standing on the burning deck. Split down the middle over Europe, the 165-strong rump of what was once a great party, has suffered from two haemorrhages: the retirement of the party's ballast before the 1997 election and the defeat at the polls of many of its more balanced members. It chose the wrong man as its leader (it ought to have been Kenneth Clarke) and the wrong man as chairman of the '22 (it should have been John MacGregor). One consequence has been to extend the vote in party leadership elections from Tory Members of Parliament, to any half-wit willing to pay an annual subscription. This was done in the name of party democracy, but its real intention was to shore up the position of the party leader were he ever to be challenged.
William Hague faces four elections in the next two months. The local elections will be held in early May, and we do stand to regain some seats, but sadly, not enough. Proportional Representation might give the Tories a seat in Scotland (Balmoral?) but none in Wales. In June there will be the European elections fought for the first time under PR. Here there will be two sets of Tories: the party's faithful fighting, so they claim "against socialism in Europe", and pro-Euro Tories who will be contesting every seat.
With the vote split, there is no one I know in the Tory party who is optimistic about the outcome of the Euro-elections. Such a sequence of disappointment and defeat could lead to a serious attempt to get rid of Hague. The British right-wing press will call for his head, but as Michael Portillo is no longer an MP, it is hard to see who their candidate will be. I like to think it would be Anne Widdecombe, a sassy woman who reminds me of Margaret Rutherford.
The fundamental problem that faces the Conservative party is the age of its rank and file. I attended the Leominster candidate selection conference at which 650 Tories, most of whom were pensioners, had to choose between a 20-year-old and someone of 38. The Young Conservatives have vanished without trace, the average Tory meeting today consists of half a dozen - all in what they would prefer to call "in the prime of life".
When an ageing party is the foundation of a political movement that is attempting, however gingerly, to move to the centre ground, it is almost impossible to convince the voter of its relevance. Love him or loathe him, Blair is a successful prime minister whose reputation has been enhanced by events. The forthcoming Liberal leadership election, which is likely to see Charles Kennedy as leader in August, will serve to further weaken Hague's position.
Labour must win the next general election. After it does so, the referendum campaign for and against the Euro will see an alliance between Blair, Kennedy and Heseltine, against Portillo (who will have found a seat) Tony Benn and David Owen. There can only be one result.
Political parties come and go, and the British Conservative party has had its day. Since the second World War it has been in power for 32 years. The Thatcher revolution has ground into the sands. Too many young men and women want to make money in the City rather than devote themselves to Tory politics. When a 28-year-old can earn a bonus of $110,000, why cross the threshold of Conservative Central Office?
Julian Critchley was a Tory MP for 31 years