Miriam Lord: Forget about that pot of gold, says Baldy O’Gill

And so to the Department of Finance where Baldy O'Gill and the Little People (Paschal "Pixie" Donohoe and Eoghan "Gnome" Murphy) were presenting the Government's mid-year expenditure report.

We left our shillelaghs at the door beside the umbrellas, still marvelling at the supernatural genius of Noonan's little mandarins who managed to switch on a rainbow over Merrion Street for us.

They got a grand turnout for what, on the face of it, was a run-of-the-mill briefing for business journalists on the mechanics of the “budgetary process”. But apart from the usual suspects, this one attracted a spill-over crowd from down the road in the Dáil – the type of reporters who have little taste for the dense acronym soup dribbled out at these dull updates.

This time things looked more promising, thanks to the Central Statistic Office dropping an entertaining economic clanger and the Fianna Fáil leader reminding everyone about it during Leaders' Questions. Micheál Martin was mortified on the nation's behalf after the CSO said that the Irish economy grew by 26 per cent last year when nothing of the sort happened.

Independent analysis

Even the Taoiseach agreed. But then, this was one mishap that couldn’t be pinned on him. “It’s true to say the CSO is quite independent in how it does its analysis,” he gratefully remarked. It seems that while the agency accurately compiled the figure in question, it was the result of a mathematical exercise rather than a reflection of the economic reality.

The true level of growth is more in the area of 5 per cent, but the CSO’s result was skewed in the most part by multinational corporations plonking their enormous business bottom lines here, but little else in the way of tax contribution or jobs.

The Government has to ensure that a new system is put in place to “accurately capture what is happening in the Irish economy” insisted Micheál, browned off with “farcical and damaging” statistics that are making us an international laughing stock.

We’re nearly as bad as the Chinese or the Russians now, where once “we would haughtily go around the place” questioning them on their economic statistics.

Oh, the shame of it.

“Can we really go abroad and hold our heads up high about Irish official statistics?” wailed Micheál. “No one in their right mind out there believes Irish official statistics.”

He added, sadly: "Paul Krugman, the Nobel laureate, has said its leprechaun economics."

‘Unprecedented’

It's "unprecedented", right enough, sighed Enda, who has enough problems trying to stop the Fine Gael trolls nibbling at his leadership without having to worry about leprechauns as well.

To make matters worse, he was just back from a less than satisfactory meeting with Angela Merkel in Germany. And now she might start thinking it could be wise to give those Irish pixie-heads and their magic numbers a wide berth for the foreseeable future.

This was very serious. It could affect our international reputation if we keep sticking with our current model for compiling national economic statistics, warned the Fianna Fáil leader.

But the Taoiseach seemed to think the inflated growth figure was more of a statistical blip in the road and, as far as his Government is concerned, they will be basing their budget decisions on the Department of Finance’s much more modest projections.

What did the leprechauns of Merrion Street have to say about this?

They didn’t appear unduly worried at the launch of their mid-term expenditure report.

To our crushing disappointment, Minister for Finance Micheal Noonan did not arrive to his press conference wearing a gold velvet waistcoat and green knee beeches. Not as much as a buckle on show from Baldy O’Gill.

‘Fork in the road’

Pixie Donohoe said we are now “potentially at a fork in the road” and it is important that we do not damage our careful budget preparations by mixing “new politics with old habits”.

Which rules out every convent in Ireland as potential venues for the Dáil and Seanad when their chambers are closed due to vital building works.

The Little People speak a funny language. As Gnome Murphy silently smouldered, Pixie dreamily spoke about “the journey we have made in public expenditure over the years in this State” and declared: “We are in a multiannual perspective” before mulling over how best to deal with “parcels of fiscal space on a multiannual perspective”.

These must be parcels of space that are not in Nama. But Mick Wallace, who made some more very interesting but worrying statements in the Dáil yesterday about alleged goings-on in the agency, will be able to find that out for us. Because nobody in authority here (as Wallace sees it) wants to know about possible nefarious carry on in the place.

Illusion

But back to leprechaun economics and, sadly, the dawning realisation that we wouldn’t be getting Irish jigs from three Ministers beguiled by a 26 per cent growth illusion.

That figure was just a method of calculation, explained Baldy O’Gill, while his Little People nodded. What followed was just a succession of headlines. He doesn’t bother with them and nor do the people who make the serious financial decisions.

“It will have no impact on the economy,” he said.

No crock of gold, so, Mr Krugman.

But €2 billion more than last year to spend in the next budget, promised the leprechauns.

Begorrah.