Not such a petty loss

WHEN a child's pet dies, parents are often thrown into a state of panic - it is not generally considered acceptable to spend much time mourning the loss of an animal, and parents tend not to know what to expect of their children.

However, according to Aine Wellard, a pet bereavement counsellor, "children can be very deeply affected. It depends on how attached they are to the animal. When you're dealing with attachment, you can be talking about any animal, even snakes and stick insects".

Barnardo's, the children's charity, runs a bereavement counselling service for children and although they don't deal with pet bereavement, Ros McCarthy, a social worker with the service, believes children can feel a deep loss when a pet dies.

"Children of different ages will react differently. A five year old, for example, may be convinced the pet is going to come back to life. The loss of a pet may also trigger memories of other losses and you may find a child very distraught. How the child reacts all depends on how much they have invested in the pet."

Aine Wellard believes parents should treat the matter as seriously as they would any loss their child experiences. "How this is handled is very important," she says.

"Often it is the first experience the child has of a separation which is permanent and how it is handled can affect how they go on to deal with loss for the rest of their lives."

Telling children the truth is important, she says. "Children are often very sensitive when it comes to telling the truth. If they are told an animal ran away, they may not verbalise it, but they will know it isn't true and can react in different ways."

For advice on how to tell children, Ros McCarthy suggests parents consult Death - Helping Children Understand, produced by the bereavement service. Again honesty is a key factor. It is better to use words like "dead" and "dying", which may seem harsh but are less likely to lead to misunderstandings, in the way that phrases like "gone to sleep" or "lost" might.

Children should be given as much time as they need to come to terms with the death, she says. "Allow them to cry as much as they have to and let them talk about the death and the pet as much as they want. They should be encouraged to bring out their feelings, by drawing pictures of their pet or writing a story."

Adolescents can be as deeply affected as young children she says. "Very often adolescents will use the pet as a means of communication with the rest of the family and say things to the animal they don't feel they can say to others. They should also he encouraged to express their feelings and to understand it is fine to feel sad."

Frequently parents rush out to buy a replacement pet, ideally one which looks exactly the same so that the issue of death doesn't arise.

Brian Dixon is the proprietor of Wackers Pet Shop on Parnell Street, Dublin. "We often get parents in here carrying dead goldfish and dead budgies asking for one which looks exactly the same.

"But we would advise parents to buy a book on the pet they want to get for their child before they buy the animal. If you want an animal to live you have to know how to care for it. Goldfish, for ex[ample, actually have a lifespan of over 10 years. The problem is they are usually overfed, or the water doesn't agree with them.

"We've even had cases of people throwing sleeping hamsters into the bin. In fact, if you have a hamster up all night long, racing around on its little metal wheel, by the time the morning comes he's so knackered that if you touch him he won't wake up, he'll just roll over and appear to be dead.

Whether parents buy a new pet immediately, "is something you should discuss with the child," says Wellard.

"Sometimes if you rush out and buy a new pet they haven't time to come to terms with the loss of the old one. Understandably, people want to till the space the old animal leaves, but unless you give it time, the child may expect to see the old pet in the new one and find it difficult to bond with the new pet."