Chuckling Paisleyites round on the usual suspects - everyone

Like previous prophets of the Lord, his deeds are spoken of in hallowed tones

Like previous prophets of the Lord, his deeds are spoken of in hallowed tones. Introducing his party leader to the annual conference, the DUP chairman, James McClure, told of the Rev Ian Paisley's role in his family's life.

When Mr McClure's daughter was seriously ill, Dr Paisley went to the hospital. Not only did the young woman perk up immediately but the nurses, impressed by the visitor, started giving her preferential treatment.

The DUP faithful have long believed Dr Paisley capable of miracles and there was a standing ovation and tumultuous applause as he entered the hall, led by a piper, to the strains of Scotland the Brave.

"The DUP - Ulster's Guarantee", announced the banner above the Union flag-bedecked platform.

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Even the lunch tables were uncompromising with their red, white and blue napkins and huge jugs of orange drink.

A stall in the foyer of the Silver Birch hotel sold the party's own chocolate.

"DUP - Keep Ulster British" proclaimed the wrapping. There was a special Christmas offer - two bars for £1.

There were also some eye-catching King Billy tiles on sale. "Imagine doing your bathroom in those. It would give a whole new meaning to the Relief of Derry," joked Ian Paisley Jnr.

The DUP conference was, as usual, a heady mix of humour, doomsday warnings, determined defiance and evangelical zeal.

A gallery of rogues was paraded, including the "reptile-like" Tony Blair who had told the Dail about his Donegal relatives and days drinking Guinness as he let convicted IRA killers loose on the streets.

There was as much chance of Mr Blair keeping his pre-referendum pledges as there was of "Oliver Reed taking the pledge", the conference heard.

Also targeted were the Yes campaigners - "government toadies in the churches, the ever-obedient grant-grabbers in business and the great unwashed of entertainment ".

The deputy leader, Peter Robinson, denounced "Blair, Ahern and the White House womaniser" for their attempts to corrupt Ulster.

Sinn Fein didn't escape either. Mr Robinson read out a lengthy list of serious crimes. It wasn't "the rap-sheet of the inmates on death row in one of America's worst penal institutions" - it was the CV of some Sinn Fein Assembly members, he said.

Most of the conference jokes were provided by the sole member of the DUP's bohemian wing, Assembly member Sammy Wilson. Sammy was a little late. He crawled into Omagh in his rundown red van. "I'm normally a fast mover," he insisted.

He brought the house down when he said the Ulster Unionists had taken an ultra-long lunch at their recent annual conference "because they needed the extra time to eat their words".

He knew what had been on the menu: "We're in the decommissioning soup, NIO pawn cocktail, mixed-up veg or is it Reg [Empey], and Trimble Crumble". The Ulster Unionists reminded him of Friesian cows - docile and easy to milk, "and the republicans milked them for everything at the talks".

Some UUP members, he said, had sympathised with Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness who recently broke his leg playing football. Sammy wished Martin had broken his neck. "That would be the case of a punishment beating gone right," he said.