Bad end to the layabout preacher forecast

At an extraordinary, indeed unprecedented, press conference in the city last Saturday the High Priest, Dr Caiaphas, denounced reports that he and the council of chief priests, the Sanhedrin, were plotting to kill preacher Jesus and his friend Lazarus.

"Despite repeated denials from me and other priests, people still insist on believing these shocking lies, " he said. "I would remind them that the eighth commandment, handed down by God himself, says you must not lie. That also covers taking away people's good name by rumour."

Pointing directly at a reporter from the Palestine Times newspaper, which has carried such reports over the past two weeks, he said: "I did not have plans for that man. Or for his friend either." He reminded those present that he and his colleagues on the Sanhedrin were men of God.

"Our job is to uphold his laws, another of which is `you must not kill' - the fifth commandment. Do you think we are such hypocrites as to uphold that law on the one hand while planning to break it on the other?" The question was not answered.

Dr Caiaphas admitted the Sanhedrin was "very unhappy" about the Jesus campaign. He agreed it had been discussed at successive meetings. "You must understand he is making a laughing-stock of our religion, and not just here but before the eyes of the world. We all know what the Romans think of us already. We really do not need to have a fellow Jew hold all of us up to ridicule in such a provocative fashion."

He also accused Jesus of "the most blatant blasphemy". "He has claimed to be the Messiah, the son of God. It's outrageous. Blasphemy is a capital offence, you know." He rejected suggestions that he and the Sanhedrin might be seeking Jesus's death on a charge of blasphemy. "We don't want to see anyone die," he said. "That is not our way at all."

He was "deeply concerned" however at the many people who believed Jesus's claims about himself. "Poor, ignorant people, with no education. Simple fishermen from the shores of Lake Galilee. What do they know about anything? And he has persuaded them to leave their wives and children to follow him. What sort of `Son of God' would do that sort of irresponsible thing?" he asked.

He was dismissive of the miracles attributed to Jesus. "Faith-healing probably" was how he explained them. "People convinced they would be cured and then getting well. It's not rare, you know." Reports of Jesus walking on water, calming winds, changing water to wine, raising the dead, he said, were "stories, stories, stories, probably dreamed up by his fishermen when they were drunk. You know the reputation they have in Capernaum for drink."

Speaking about Jesus, he said: "I regret to put it like this, but the man's a charlatan. He has even convinced those fishermen that he was born in Bethlehem. In a stable! And that he is of the line of David, as foretold by the prophets. The truth is he was born in Nazareth, that his father is the carpenter Joseph, and that his mother is Joseph's second wife Mary.

"In fact, according to our research, he is illegitimate. Mary was betrothed to Joseph when he discovered she was pregnant. She told him a story about some fellow called Gabriel, who she said was `an angel'." He laughed at this point. "And, though pregnant, she insisted that she had still not lost her virginity. How about that?" He laughed again. Everyone else laughed too.

"Joseph, decent man that he was, married her anyway. What would have become of her otherwise - a pregnant 15-year-old in Nazareth? Besides he needed a mother for the rest of his children."

Caiaphas continued that Jesus was "just an idle layabout with no interest in anything but causing trouble. He likes too much wine and to surround himself with women. What sort of Messiah is that? My own view is that he wants to be a second John, the preacher who died so tragically some time back.

"But Jesus is little more than a cheap imitation. He wouldn't be worthy to tie John's sandal straps. He wasn't even a good carpenter, and he has poor Joseph's heart broken. He'll come to a bad end all right, but it will have nothing to do with me or the Sanhedrin, I can assure you of that," he said.