Snowy likes a bit of ruff: a shaggy dog story

We had to find a new dog minder to take Snowy, while we were on holidays in the US. Snowy is a Bichon Frise, a small white fluffy lapdog, a species beloved of decapitated French kings and a regular feature in online "too cute" videos. Snowy is a precious family pet, not used to mixing much with other dogs, or riff ruff, and his favourite television programme is University Challenge.

We’ve heard terrible stories of softy dogs being sent to kennels, and never being right after, so we wanted to find a gentle regime for him. No doggy borstal for Snowy. We found a woman who takes in dogs for holidays. Not exactly a kennels, more a dog home from home.

No sooner had we touched down in the US, than a text comes from the dog lady. She has 10 dogs in residence at the moment, and Snowy is “mounting everything”. I am perplexed. Snowy has had the snip, and that is supposed to dampen a dog’s ardour, but apparently there’s no putting off some hounds. I cannot tell from the tone of the text if the dog lady is complaining or merely informing. I fear that our fluffy Casanova might get shown the cat flap.

So I reply to the dog lady. Sorry about that, Snowy isn’t used to other dogs much. He hangs around with two teenage boys all day, so he does live in a high-testosterone environment. But he has definitely had the snip and I can’t for the life of me understand why he might be interested in bitches.

Irrefutable evidence
The dog lady sends me illustrative pictures: Snowy trying to get it on with a bored-looking Jack Russell; Snowy attempting to have his way with a very large furry beast, who can only be described as a mongrel, though I hesitate to use that word in a sexual context.

And attempting is the operative word, because Snowy is short-legged, and when it comes to dog mating, size definitely does matter because it’s difficult, even for an intelligent dog, to arrange a footstool.

I am now carrying round dog porn on my phone.

Thanks to Snowy's near namesake, Edward Snowden, I know the NSA is reading my texts. I hope they are being sent up the line. The Obama family's pooch is a Portuguese Water Dog, a relation of the Bichon Frise. I'm quite sure the president would be interested in Snowy's issues.

So, having been in the US for 24 hours, and having absorbed the can-do positivity that belches forth on the sidewalks here, I get gung-ho and go on the offensive. I suggest to the dog lady that perhaps her other dogs are in fact enticing Snowy, and leading him astray. I declare Snowy is innocent. We are talking entrapment.

As with Snowden, who has had romantic offers from many Russian ladies, according to his lawyer, as well as offers of food and lodging, Snowy has been abandoned by his support network (us). We are busy sampling the delights and distractions of the US, mainly the waffles.

Snowy is a very cute dog; he works the fluffy end of the canine spectrum very effectively. Women and girls love him, and flock around him. He is a babe magnet. Edward Snowden, on the other hand, works the nerdy brainy end of the spectrum, but he has something cute going on and he needs to watch for the honey traps.

After all, he doesn’t seem the type to be neutered.