Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers
His gaff is the size of the Powerscourt Hotel
It’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother
We’re in the cor on the way to pick up Brett from the airport and Sorcha’s running me through a few talking points
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’
Everyone just stares at me in silence like people sometimes do when I’ve made them think
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
Sorcha said we should possibly keep a closer eye on what our kids are up to after watching that TV show that everyone’s banging on about
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
She's sitting at the piano when I get to the nursing home to interrogate her about my half-brother
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’
I’m actually shaking on the phone to Brett, like Thomond Park used to shake before 2019
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the annual Paddy’s Day walk with the goys and the kids, and so far it’s not going well
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
Honor has been caught using ChatGPT and faces being expelled, or at the very least, impeached as head girl
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
‘They’re clearly not yours,’ I go when she hands me her mock Leaving Cert results
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout’
I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet'
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’
It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby