Seaman's career on ice as partner takes it on the chin

TV View: There was a bit of a theme to our TV watching the past few days, namely embarrassment of the mortifying kind. And with fuel prices soaring we couldn't help thinking if the combined heat from the cheeks of David Seaman, Lindsey Jacobellis and Bryn Halliwell were harnessed and pumped into the average home it would be a thrifty energy alternative to gas and oil.

Seaman, of course, is starring in ITV's Dancing On Ice, where he is partnering Pam O'Connor. Pam, though, was nowhere to be seen when the show kicked off on Saturday night, with Seaman somewhat fretfully telling presenter Philip Schofield she was in hospital having her chin stitched.

The former England and Arsenal goalkeeper, whose autobiography was entitled Safe Hands, explained that when they were rehearsing their "head-banger lift" (we kid you not), the chin attached to Pam's head banged off the ice as he swung her around.

"And she banged her shoulder as well, so she's having X-rays," he said. Those of you who have been closely following Dancing On Ice will know that Pam had already been hospitalised when Seaman fell on top of her. During her absence he skated with Natalia Petrova. And dropped her.

Now, nobody wants to crush Seaman's ice-skating dreams, much as he habitually crushes Pam, but perhaps he should abandon the idea and return between the posts. And, as luck would have it, after yesterday, there might just be a vacancy at Dunfermline.

"We knew how difficult it was going to be," said Neil Lennon of Celtic's 8-1 victory at East End Park, in the course of which goalkeeper Bryn Halliwell became the first man to concede a goal to Lennon in four years and two months.

"I think if you're Dunfermline you do need a wee bit of luck," Gordon Strachan told Setanta after the game.

A wee bit?

And then there was wee Jacobellis, the American who was cruising to gold in the final of the women's snowboard cross at the Winter Olympics.

"Jacobellis has seemingly an uncatchable lead," roared the BBC's Ed Lee, "this is a lap of honour for her!" Well. As Ed put it: "Ooooooooooooh: drama! Jacobellis is down! Oh look at her! This is incredible! This is ridiculous! Frieden! Frieeeeeeeeeeeeeden! Unbelieeeeeevable!"

Yes, Jacobellis tumbled, with the finishing line in sight, when she indulged in a spot of showing off (Steve Ovett v John Treacy, anybody?).

Not that we needed to be told, but Ed explained she had foolishly attempted a "backside method grab" on her board while in mid-air, something David Seaman could have told her is a complete and utter no-no.

Switzerland's Tanja Frieden, then, took gold. "I saw her crashing and I started to have a vacuum in my head, I guess. I stopped thinking. It was just like woooah, this is coooooool," she told the BBC, as only a snowboarder could.

Speaking of vacuums. There continues to be one at the heart of the Manchester United team, Alex Ferguson persisting with his revolutionary formation of four at the back, two up front and feck-all in the middle. As Mark Lawrenson put it during the BBC's coverage of the FA Cup game against Liverpool: "The problem for United is trying to get hold of the ball to service the likes of van Nistelrooy and Rooney and as we've seen . . . well, we haven't seen them, have we?"

Not that United weren't up for it. Earlier in the week a Sky News reporter asked Wayne Rooney, "On a scale of one to 10 how good would it be to beat Liverpool?"

"Eh, 10," he said, before upping his estimate. "Eh, 12 . . . 15."

As an expert in statistics John Motson would know that 15 out of 10 is quite a big percentage, as are the chances of happening upon an opportunity to fit the "existence of Northern Ireland", "Einstein's Nobel Prize" and "the creation of Chanel No 5" in to the same sentence.

"Liverpool's last FA Cup victory over United, in 1921, predates the existence of Northern Ireland, Einstein's Nobel Prize and the creation of Chanel No 5, all of which occurred later in the same year," said Motty. He did, honest.

In fairness to the Liverpool supporters, they did their best to try to make a contest of it, even throwing a half-eaten burger to Gary Neville to sustain him in his 90 minutes of need. And they tried to raise the spirits of Alan Smith as he was stretchered from the pitch with a broken leg and dislocated ankle by singing, "Hey, Arne Riise, I wanna know how you broke his leg."

Hmm, seems like Tanja Frieden wasn't the only one with a vacuum in her head.