Opening salvo gets the bird

John O'Sullivan sat through two-and- a-half hours of the Ryder Cup's opening ceremony which featured bands, a reverend and some blondes

Here is a chronicle of what really took place during the Ryder Cup opening ceremony at The Belfry yesterday, a homily to tradition and the great sporting ethos that underpins the tournament. Translated: a shade under two and a half hours of monotony that indisputably proves that choreographers and sports people just do not mix.

2.45 p.m. - Opening ceremony due to begin according to the official missive. In real terms, lots and lots of people queuing to try to shoehorn themselves into two small stands and one big one. Two are open to the public, one is reserved. The public stands are full an hour before ceremony begins.

The other has a queue that would span Grafton Street going in several different directions. One man jumps queue. Cue American voice, "hey buddy, there's a queue going here". Punter turns and gives American the bird (one fingered salute). American just fails to grab punter as he is ushered in by unsuspecting stewards.

2.59 - Canoldir Male Voice Choir hit the stage. No requests taken. Suitably worthy music.

3.15 - Renton Laidlaw, master of ceremonies, introduces the programme. Three dignitaries caught trying to escape. Put up the front where they can be watched.

3.16-3.56 - Television package on giant screen of great Ryder Cup moments interspersed with parades of past Ryder Cup players from the 1950s, '60s, '70s, '80s and '90s. A few are interviewed. Max Faulkner tells a joke and laughs himself before punchline. At 86 you're entitled to do that. No one with anything remotely interesting to say.

Jack Nicklaus, via pre-recorded tape, and Tony Jacklin talk us through that famous singles between them at Royal Birkdale in 1969. Nicklaus conceded Jacklin a 24-inch putt. Their game and the match was halved. America retained the trophy. No we don't think it was worth spending 10 minutes on either.

David Feherty, one of several Irish players to emerge on sundry parades through the decades, complete with smig and Errol Flynn 'tache. Due back in the USA next week to audition for the role of Young Zoro.

3.56 - Golf's answer to Gone with the Wind video - duration not quality - finishes with sepia-tinted shots of Brookline. Last scene - Justin Leonard's putt quickly cutting to American celebrations on roof of clubhouse, more diplomatic than pictures of 17th green.

Laidlaw introduces USA past players and captains. Audience has all sharp objects removed from about their person.

3.58 - Band of the Prince of Wales march from the clubhouse to the arena. It is one of only two pipe bands in England. Fascinating.

4.02 - Laidlaw's stentorian tones acclaim the arrival of the partners of the two teams. All blonde partners escorted to their seats. Other hair colours realise that they are to sit on the empty ones in the front row.

4.03 - Laidlaw introduces Ryder Cup officials and "Custodians of the matches". Uniformity of expression among the audience, glazed and listless.

4.08 - Teams make their way behind the Nottinghamshire Pipe band - yep it's the other one - from clubhouse to arena (driving range in real life) down narrow walk way thronged by spectators. Crap camera work focuses on Pat Larkin band leader and for the most part long range shots of the players. Appealing only to those who like men in skirts/shaky camerawork/marching bands.

European team go for haute couture look, white jackets, dark button down shirts, not ties. Look like bunch of waiters on a day off. Americans more classically dressed . . . first confirmation.

4.16 - Reverend Anthony Martin Priddis, Bishop of Warwick blesses the match and makes speech. Players, mostly with eyes closed, share Rev's appeal for good Christian values, friendship and sportsmanship to prevail. Lips still moving when Rev finished so players probably adding: "Please God, let me hole everything from five feet in."

4.30 - American Ryder Cup captain Curtis Strange makes speech, falteringly at first because he can't read his own handwriting then introduces his players. "Scott Verplank from the city of Shreveport in the state of Louisiana, USA." Sam Torrance, five minutes later sufficed with Thomas Bjorn. Brevity is the essence of wit, especially to a beleaguered audience losing the will to live.

4.45 - Band of the Prince of Wales Division plays anthems in the following order USA, Denmark, Germany, Ireland, Spain and God Save the Queen, followed by the European anthem Ode to Joy (Beethhoven's Ninth, the Choral Symphony). Ireland's Call snubbed.

4.58 - Fourball pairings. News at last. The phoney war is over. The ceremony is nearly over.

5.10 - Opening ceremony ends. Tears all round. Counselling available beside the Pringle sweater stand.