Everyone falling in love . . . then come the broken hearts

World Cup TV View: Johnny Giles, Liam Brady, Eamon Dunphy, Denis Irwin, Kenny Cunningham, Mark Kinsella, Mark Lawrenson, Andy Townsend, Jim Beglin, Jason McAteer, Ray Houghton, Mick McCarthy . . . when you think about it, there must be more former Irish internationals working on television for this World Cup than there were cards shown by Valentin Ivanov in that Portugal v Holland game. And that's saying something.

Mind you, the first three on that list are now worried about their long-term punditry futures.

"We're looking at the semi-finals (for England) and the disintegration of three football analysts' careers," as Dunphy put it to Giles and Brady when they spoke on his radio show yesterday morning.

England march on, then, and the trio, you'd guess, are now waking screaming at night after petrifying nightmares featuring Becks raising the trophy in Berlin on Sunday week and Garth Crooks hugging Sven on the pitch, tearfully telling him he always knew his system was flawless. All of his systems.

"Well, they did enough in every game up to now, and if they keep doing enough they'll win the cup, it's as simple as that," as Lee 'Enough is Plenty' Dixon told Adrian Chiles on World Cup Match of the Day, resulting in Chiles almost falling over the balcony in excitement, and Martin O'Neill almost helping him on his way.

Brady, though, is beginning to wonder if Germany might rescue the trio's reputations, noting yesterday that they're "on a high, they're bombing". "John, they're bombing, we better get under the bed," said Dunphy.

"Hopefully they won't be bombing us, Eamon," said Giles, heading for his bunker.

Speaking of people who've had to head for bunkers in their time. Big Ron Atkinson, who famously refuted allegations of racism by revealing that "my vicar was a black guy", has been on his best behaviour on UKTV G2.

If an African team defended badly he manfully avoided using the 'N' word, called them everything but naïve. He's still unmistakably Big Ron, though: "Great chest control and a big Buddy Holly, wooAAooh," as he described that Maxi Rodriguez volley.

Big Ron has a certain advantage over his ITV and BBC colleagues, however, in that he can say pretty much what he wants because even if 50 per cent of his audience lodged complaints against him the Broadcasting Standards Commission is hardly going to fret over the feelings of two viewers.

It's different for, say, the BBC's Alan Shearer, that might be why he's said nothing risque at all since the World Cup began, for fear of offending any one.

The rowdiest he's got so far was at half-time last night when he suggested that Switzerland and Ukraine might want to score if they wanted to reach the quarter-finals. But you can't fault Shearer for effort, as he said of his playing career, "one accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best".

The theme that ran through yesterday's World Cup television was, undeniably, love and romance.

"For Mark Viduka and company it's like falling in love for the first time, compulsive and exciting in equal measure," said ITV's Jon Champion as Australia took to the field for yesterday's joust with Italy.

In the 93rd minute, alas, Viduka's heart was broken by Francesco Totti, whose own relationship with the Italian supporters had hit the rocks of late, but they should be smooching again after yesterday.

He won't be with Giles, mind. "I don't fancy Totti," he told Peter Collins, "didn't before today and still don't."

There was, more happily, love in the air on the BBC later in the night. If Garth's tryst with Sven on Sunday had been the first time Dunphy had seen "sex between two men on the BBC", half-time in the Switzerland v Ukraine game was a chance for the Beeb to do some gender-balancing.

"Swedish I presume," giggled Shearer when Lineker showed the panel a clip of two Ukrainian women snogging in the crowd. "All they need now is a Brazilian," purred Leonardo.

It's as well for Mary Whitehouse that she's gone to a better place.