Actor Daniel Day-Lewis famously dumped his gorgeous French girlfriend, Isabelle Adjani, by fax, but if he was doing it now he would probably just reach for his mobile phone. Chucking by text message is by far the least messy way to get the message across to the one you no longer love. In fact, textual relations are fast replacing face-to-face encounters in a world now giddily addicted to the joys of text.
An acquaintance who was a bit too trigger-happy on the old keypad when it came to a new boyfriend - "wer r u?, do u luv me yet? Hi sxy!!", etc., etc., etc - got the message one morning when she awoke to the beep-beep noise that can only mean you have text. This signal, the modern equivalent of the flashing light on the answering machine, makes the heart of all self-respecting communication junkies beat a little faster. The beep, like the flashing light, screams, "Somebody likes you, somebody cares, oh, joy!"
Obviously, sometimes the news is less heart-warming. In the above case, the short message system (SMS) deposited the following poorly constructed bombshell in the over-eager recipient's inbox. "UR luvly an all dat but not rite 4 me so c u round."
She was distraught, but how less humiliating the bare text was compared to being given the elbow in a city-centre pub with his mates desperately trying to avoid her eyes as she downed endless glasses of sorrow-drowning gin. At least at home no one can see your trendy, blue mascara run. Naturally, she coped by hysterically punching letters into her keypad, and news of her latest heartache was beamed across to her close circle of friends. As soon as you could say "the wonders of modern technology", she was being beep-beeped with all kinds of supportive messages and suggestions as to where the ex might stick his brand new silver Nokia phone.
Those people who are mobile but have yet to join the text revolution may be put off by this salutary tale but, like everything used moderately and wisely, text can be a valuable addition to your life. (Besides, more than 10 billion messages have been sent worldwide since its introduction a couple of years ago. Feel left out yet?)
For a start, when commuting, it reduces the need for that frankly intolerable "I'mon-the-bus" syndrome. If you really feel the need to share information about your mode of transport with friends, the "news" can be passed on silently through the SMS. And a beep-beep later you will know that your mate is on the train, but the rest of the passengers will be blissfully unaware of this stimulating intellectual exchange.
And then there is flirting by text, which has given new meaning to the life of every tongue-tied boy and girl with a tendency to blush at the slightest hint of romance. It may be unthinkable to divulge your feelings face to face, but wooing through text has become the perfect way to display your sparkling wit and/or sensitive side. Stalking by text is also a fun way to get a crush out of your system, or test the waters with a potential new partner. "I like you," the crusher might text the crushee. "I like you too, UR a good mate," the crushee might respond. The subtext being: "I'm not interested in anything else for now". The crusher may be disappointed, but has no reason to feel rejected. How can you lose face when you aren't even looking at one?
Text is a more instant communication tool than e-mail because the mobile is constantly to hand, but, like e-mail, it goes straight to the heart of the matter. Thumbing in letters and exclamation marks can be a laborious task, so nobody wants to waste a word. An actual conversation (remember that thing where you look someone in the eye and form words with your lips?) might run: "Hi, how are you, love that jumper, God look at that rain, well anyway do you want to catch a movie later, what about the new Mel Gibson one or that martial arts thingy?" But the text message will simply read: "Hi, movie ltr?" Think of the time you will save.
Also, being text literate means you keep up with the latest gossip. Text messaging is perfect for passing on the answers to those burning questions such as "who shot Phil?" or, even more timely, "who raped Toyah?" When Nasty Nick Bateman was kicked out of the Big Brother house last summer, the news spread like wildfire on the SMS. Last Christmas Day, we texters sent each other a graphic of a Christmas tree complete with flashing lights, thus appeasing those neglected mates who didn't get cards from us without having to waste valuable turkey-time actually speaking to them.
This may all sound like good clean fun but, as usual, some spoilsports are trying to make out that texting is the root of all evil, or at least of evil spelling mistakes. According to one British academic, the text lingo could be responsible for destroying literacy. In fairness to him, one of the best-selling books in the UK last Christmas was WAN2TLK?: ltle bk of txt msgs (translation for textual virgins: "Want to Talk? Little Book of Text Messages"). Admittedly, there is no place 4 punctuation r grmmr r speling in the quick fire world of elctrnic text. But, hey, that's, er, prgrss.
It should be pointed out that texting can become a dangerous weapon after the hours of 2 a.m., especially when inebriated. A friend of a friend of a friend declared his undying lurve to a girl he had his eye on for a while after knocking back one too many Red Bulls and vodka. Turns out he had used the wrong number and actually sent the embarrassingly graphic text to his very married female boss. Her actual response is unprintable, but went something like **X*X%!?>.
Happy texting.