THE BIGGER PICTURE Shalini SinhaRecently, a popular daytime talk show dedicated much of their precious airtime to a "miracle technique" that stopped newborns from crying. I cringed as they repeated the mantra, "Now you can have the happiest baby in the world!"
With this, they enforced the myth that crying is both unnecessary and undesirable; and endorsed the illusion that silence equals happiness.
From the moment we are born, we are intelligent and intact. We look for love and connection. We process everything around us. We need to be listened to. One of the greatest disservices we can do to a human being, and we do it right from the moment they are born, is to underestimate our profound need to communicate our experiences to each other.
Because babies cannot yet talk, many people believe they do not need the same level of attention or consultation as an adult who is challenging or engages in conversation. However, they do. They communicate to us in a number of highly perceptive and intelligent ways. They have a voice and need us to pay attention.
Crying, in particular, is important. Birth can be hard, not just for mothers, but for babies too. We can arrive in the world with a lot to say and a lot we need to be listened to about. We need warm, relaxed attention while we look around, scream, cry or protest. We are not born expecting to be rejected or wanting to reject those around us.
And so, we'd never expect anyone to see our kicking and screaming and conclude that we didn't need or want them. We certainly wouldn't expect them to "shush", rock or bounce us instead of offering supportive listening.
Allowing our babies to cry is a profound way to ensure they stay in touch with a genuine and deep happiness. However, if you are someone who has gained this new-found knowledge of the power of crying, and want to assist a baby or adult to feel, you may be frustrated to discover that your intentions to be helpful will not be enough.
The less experience we have had ourselves of crying, expressing our emotions and healing from our own fears, the more rigid we will have become. Human beings, and babies in particular, can sense this rigidity and somewhere, despite our deep desire to be caring, can sense that it is not quite safe.
I often see adults approach a baby with determination: "I can make that baby smile!" They put on funny faces, make singing noises and tickle their cheeks. All the while, the baby stares at them with a solid expression. Their perception and assessment skills are second to none. Within seconds they can tell if we're really relaxed or just used to appearing so.
On the other hand, I sometimes see an adult paying attention to a baby with calmness, warmth and delight, and within minutes that baby starts to cry. This is wonderful and a great opportunity to listen! The safety, space and attention are being acknowledged and an important connection is being formed. Yet, discouragingly, most people see this crying and conclude that the baby didn't like that person.
I've even heard parents tell me their baby doesn't like people at all! Ultimately, we separate the pair - shaking and distracting the baby until they stop.
There is no human being who is born not wanting people close. On the contrary, we want them really close and paying attention so that we can feel safe enough to show the depth of our emotions and experience. Crying is a powerful mechanism that assists us in healing traumas. Crying is not alone in this: trembling, rapid talking and some of our sweating and yawning also serve this purpose.
And, simply crying will not do it, for we cannot heal ourselves on our own. We need to be able to cry in the presence of at least one other person who can provide safety, warmth, love and intelligent perspective as we delve into our deepest hurts and fears.
As confused as we are in this society around the expression of our emotions, it is understandable how confusing it is for us to assess when a baby is in pain, alerting us to a danger that needs to be removed, or simply (fervently) communicating to us their experiences for which they need us to listen. Without a doubt, it is our own fears and worries that get in our way of knowing the difference.
Still, the more we get to know ourselves and recover ourselves from our own past traumas, the easier it becomes to make these judgements.
Worryingly, most people never consider that a crying baby needs to be listened to with love and attention, but jump ahead to stop the crying.
In any case, even if there is an immediate danger that needs to be dealt with, our baby will still need us to be there with him or her while they return to the fear - kicking, screaming and healing it - well after the moment has passed.
ssinha@irish-times.ie
Shalini Sinha is an independent producer and journalist, and a counsellor on equality issues. She has lectured on women's studies in UCD, and is co-presenter of Mono, RTÉ's intercultural programme.