Learning to trust your instincts

Parenting seems to be as open to fads as the diet industry, so how can you tell which approach is going to work for you?

IT IS often said that a baby is the only new product that arrives into a house without any instructions. However, there is no shortage of “experts” to tell parents what they should be doing.

From well-meaning family and friends to opinionated parenting “gurus”, there is an abundance of advice. The trouble is as soon as you read one thing in one book, the chances are you will find somebody else saying the polar opposite.

Parenting seems to be as open to fads and fashions as the diet industry. How can you tell which approach is going to work for you? Do you feed a baby on demand or impose a routine? Is it better to let him cry in the cot or cuddle him in your bed? Do you walk away from a toddler in a tantrum or envelop the ball of rage in your arms?

Gina Ford’s path to a “contented baby” is one of the more controversial options currently out there. While many scoff, others swear by her rigid timetables to help baby fit into mum and dad’s life.

Yet the leader of the Liberal Democrats in Britain, Nick Clegg, has rarely attracted more positive comments than when he recently denounced her advice as “absolute nonsense” – thereby insulting the parenting choice of two million voters, according to Ford’s quick riposte.

A father of three young children, Clegg explained how he and his wife struggled to do what Ford preaches with their first son, until one night he recalled saying: “Okay, we have got to stop this. I have subcontracted my parental instincts to this book.”

In that last sentence, he nailed the problem. Subcontracting your parental instincts to anybody else is a mistake. Nobody knows you and your child the way you do – but that is not to deny the benefit of finding out what has worked for other people and seeking support.

This is where the increasing popularity of one-to-one parenting coaches comes in. Coaches won’t prescribe a course of action but will help you work out the best approach for you and your children.

“It is all about changing behaviour, primarily ours as a parent because nine times out of 10 my sense is that when you do that, the ripple effect will bring about changes in the behaviour and family dynamics,” says parenting coach Marian Byrne, who lives in Stillorgan, Dublin.

“Obviously people want information and some guidance, but as a coach your role is not to tell people what to do,” she stresses. “What I would say to people is read, listen and then take on board what makes sense.”

Why do people come to her? “To take the stress out of parenting,” Byrne suggests. “That may not be how they will articulate it when they come but that ultimately is what it is about – to be able to enjoy being a parent.”

For some there may be one child in the family who they are worried about – a very anxious or disruptive child – which will motivate them to make that first appointment.

A trained life coach and the mother of three children aged 12 to 18, Byrne conducts parenting courses in workplaces, as well as seeing clients privately. Individual coaching, she says, offers a “safe space” to talk through incidents, analyse what is really going on and look at what could you have done differently and the impact that might have.

“Contuitive parenting” – being conscious of the choices we are making but recognising that we do intuitively know what our children need – is a term devised by Koemba Parent Coaching in Lucan, Co Dublin, which Val Mullally co-founded in 2006 to offer one-to-one support and to train parent coaches.

She laughs as she says her dream is that “contuitive parenting” will become an internationally recognised phrase in the next few years.

Everybody is the “potential” expert on their own situation, she explains, but sometimes parents need input and support. “They know the history of their family, they know their dreams, they know the interactions that happen. They are the ones who are best equipped to do something significant to change the dynamics in the family to something more successful.”

Then why do parents seem to be so unsure of themselves these days? Mullally says it is because we have moved into a new era of family life and children are growing up in a different context.

“Family has changed and the old rules don’t work any longer.” It is not enough to say, ‘Well, this is what my parents did for me’. Instead, we need to look at children’s rebellious behaviour and ask ourselves what they are trying to say, she suggests, rather than trying to force them to comply.

Mother-of-six Joan Barrett says she learned about an alternative way of parenting at a crucial time for her family. “I was going down a wrong road because I was using the methods I was raised with. I was beginning to go into conflict because I was the boss, I knew it all!”

It was 23 years ago when she and her husband, Kerry, did their first parenting course in Clonmel, Co Tipperary, and found it to be of huge benefit.

“I loved the idea immediately because it was so respectful. The way I was brought up was more authoritarian and I liked this new democratic way of mutual respect and being able to listen. My children would be able to have a voice – that is what drew me to it.”

Not only were they able to apply what they learned in their own home, but it was the starting point for Joan’s interest in life coaching, which turned a full circle into parent coaching. Now living in Ballyheigue, outside Tralee in Co Kerry, she runs parenting courses in the community but says there is also a “huge demand” for one-to-one coaching, which is more likely to attract couples as fathers tend to be shy of group sessions.

“They come usually when there is a crisis – it would often be the mother who identifies that need and she would seek support, in some cases just for that one challenge with one child,” explains Barrett. “When they come, they realise it is not really just about that child – it is about the other circumstances around and the family dynamics.”

She too stresses that coaches are not in the advice business. “It is about giving them strategies to resolve the issues and find a new direction. My spine stiffens when I hear that word ‘advice’. We offer suggestions, no advice.”

All the coaches interviewed also point out the long-term, empowering benefits of their approach. As Mullally explains: “Coaching is about finding their own solutions and as parents become aware of this, they in turn naturally become coaching parents.”

Instead of always telling their children what to do they start asking them “what do you think?” and “what would happen if you do this?” and “what else could you do?” The child is empowered too. “The core element of parent coaching for me is enhancing communication,” she adds. “The words we use are connection, communication and mutual co-operation.”

Barrett sums up her core philosophy as mutual respect and the need to act, not react. “I love giving choices, not orders.” For instance, if a noisy child is getting on your nerves, try saying: ‘You can stay here and be quiet or go out into the hall and play.’ You’re not telling them to stop – you give the child choice of whether to stay or go.”

Meanwhile, Byrne stresses the importance of family values. People go into a relationship with their own set of values and then they have children – two parents and two sets of values can be very hard, she points out.

Often when she asks people what are the rules in their house, they will say they don’t know. “If you are not sure of the rules, it is very hard for your children to know them,” she comments.

“Money and parenting are the two most cited causes of disagreement among couples,” Byrne adds. “In other things there may be differences but you will get by.” Identifying and discussing values helps couples appreciate what they are trying to pass on to their children.

For more information, Marian Byrne can be contacted on 087-2232937. See www.koemba.com or tel: Val Mullally on 087-7609355. See www.new-dawn-coaching.ie or tel: Joan Barrett on 086-3583120.

swayman@irishtimes.com

LEARNING CURVE: HOW PARENT COACHING HELPED ONE COUPLE

Private sessions with a parenting coach enable you to ask all the questions that are relevant to you, says one father who went along with his wife to a six-week course with Joan Barrett in Tralee, Co Kerry. He would have been embarrassed to do that in a group.

It was not that they had any major problems with their three-year-old son and one-year-old daughter, but were motivated by the desire “to do the best for our children”. They were receiving conflicting advice from their own respective families on what that best might be.

He says they definitely felt better equipped after the coaching and would have no problem going back for more at a later stage in their children’s lives.

THE SUPERMUM MYTH:'MUMS WANT TO BE PERFECT AND NO SUCH THING EXISTS

EVER STOPPED to think what sort of mother you would like to be? For many women that is a real “er . . .” question, according to UK parenting coach Lorraine Thomas.

We have no problem listing off what we don’t want to be: stressed, shouting, angry, exhausted, anxious or guilty. But it is harder to articulate exactly what we’re trying to be.

If the answer is “supermum”, you are doomed to fail. “Mums want to be perfect and no such thing exists,” says Thomas. “They set the bar so high, they make it impossible to achieve and that’s when they feel guilty.”

As chief executive of the Parent Coaching Academy, a lot of the work she does is to help mothers be realistic and acknowledge what they do well instead of focusing on the bit that is not quite right. One of her most popular workshops is “taming parents”, which includes looking at how to stay calm in challenging situations.

When working parents get home at the end of the day they want it to be all “The Waltons and fluffy towels”, explains Thomas. “Actually they are tired and stressed, the children are tired, and it can be a real hot spot.”

Strategies for keeping calm are outlined in a new book by Thomas, entitled The Mummy Coach, under the reassuring heading "parent tantrums are normal". A survey by her academy found that 10 out of 10 mums say they want to feel calmer, while nine out of 10 say they shout at their children and feel guilty.

However, sometimes the problem is not as bad as they think. "When mums stood back, they were calm 90 per cent of the time, but in their minds they were always imagining that they were blowing their tops," Thomas tells The Irish Times.

I have to admit I bristled at first sight of this book with its sub-title “10 Essential Skills You Need to be a Great Mum”. Inside, the use of “notes to self”, check boxes and “skill-builders” conjured up images of neurotic veterans of corporate training approaching parenting as if it was another work project. But on closer examination, it turned out to be full of thought-provoking common sense, in a very accessible format, which could help family life be less frantic and more fun.

“In my experience, mums and dads will always know what they want to do and will always know the best way to do it,” Thomas says. “They really are the experts, but they don’t give themselves the time to stand back because they are always firefighting.”

While it is important to get advice on particular issues relating to health and safety, she says: “My work is to do with confidence boosting, motivation and self-belief. I think coaching is the most effective way to do that.”

She does not believe in being prescriptive. “I have sat with parents in tears who say, ‘What do you suggest? You tell me what to do’. I think once you start to do that, you step into the chasm.”

As mother to stepson Ben (22), Josh (11) and Holly (8), Thomas says she has struggled with all the things that every other mum struggles with – “and that is why I am passionate about being a coach. In fact my son said to me not that long ago over breakfast, when he was 10, ‘Mum have you ever thought about doing a course in anger management?’ I thought that was quite an advanced concept – and then I realised he was actually referring to my outburst the night before!”

The Mummy Coachby Lorraine Thomas is published by Hamlyn, £9.99 in UK