‘My new girlfriend still sleeps in the same bed as her ex’

Dear Roe,

I am in a lesbian relationship. My girlfriend and I fell in love while she was in a seven-year relationship. She broke up with her ex over me. We have good sex and communication, but sometimes we fight because of slight incompatibilities. Overall she seems very much in love with me, she cares about me and we have so much fun. She and her ex didn’t have sex for most of their relationship, as my girlfriend lost sexual attraction to her. They still had a very strong, codependent and affectionate bond, and continued the relationship until she met and fell in love with me, and realised she saw her ex as a best friend, not a lover. I thought, based on what my girlfriend had told me, that her ex had moved out of their flat when they broke up. However, it seems that they still live together and sleep in the same bed.

My girlfriend texts her every day saying she misses her, that she is the love of her life, that she is not in love with me. She even makes holiday plans with her and calls her sweet names. She says she thinks of her all the time and cries over her. When her ex acts distant, my girlfriend asks “why aren’t you sweet with me? Please tell me you miss me”. She also says she thinks of her all the time and cries over her. However, when her ex asked her if they could get back together she said no because their relationship was not “romantic”. I know all this because I saw messages on her phone. I don’t know how to feel. I am wondering if this is normal. I can’t admit what I saw, because I feel bad for violating her privacy. Any thoughts?

Here are my thoughts: Get out. Get out now.

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Different people have different relationships with their exes, and in queer communities in particular it’s much more common for people to be friends with their exes. Often, these relationships are amicable, and are a sign of emotionally mature people navigating small communities with respect and empathy — and sometimes it’s just exes prolonging their connection and bond in ways that are unhealthy when some boundaries would be more helpful. Each situation is different.

Your situation is something else entirely.

Your girlfriend isn’t just failing to set any boundaries, she’s trampling over boundaries, lying about them, and being wildly manipulative. Let’s go along with her narrative that she sees her ex as a best friend and not a romantic partner. Fine, that happens. But what has she done to delineate her romantic relationship with her ex from their current relationship? They weren’t having sex before and still aren’t — but they’re still sleeping in the same bed, living together, exchanging intimacies, making plans together and speaking to each other romantically. There are no boundaries here — and, make no mistake, this isn’t by accident. Your girlfriend is not setting boundaries because she does not want them. She gets to keep everything about that relationship and living arrangement that benefits her, and she gets to have sex with you, all while dismissing your concerns by making an arbitrary distinction between “romance” and “friendship” that isn’t backed up by her actions — and apparently wasn’t clear to her ex during their relationship, either. She’s being wildly manipulative to both you and her ex, and you both need to start recognising that.

She’s misleading you about her living and sleeping arrangements with her ex, not setting boundaries with her ex to respect your relationship, explicitly seeking affection and validation from her ex in secret

Let’s think about her ex for a moment. They were together for seven years, her ex accepted that their partner didn’t want to have sex with them for that time but was a devoted partner, they lived together, they slept in the same bed. Suddenly their partner of seven years meets someone else, dumps them, “immediately” starts seeing the other person — but still sleeps in the same bed as their ex, lives with them, makes their ex watch as they get ready to go on dates with you, all while texting their ex that they still love them, want to go away together, but then rebuff any mention of resuming their relationship. This is utterly horrendous behaviour. It’s emotionally manipulative and cruel. She’s using her ex as a safety net despite her ex’s completely justifiable confusion and hurt over why they can’t be together. Instead of recognising and acknowledging that after a seven-year relationship, she and her ex need some time, space, different communication boundaries and separate beds so that her ex can move on, she’s playing on her ex’s love for her to get constant ego massage and physical intimacy — then essentially telling her ex that she’s not attractive enough to have sex with.

With you, she’s misleading you about her living and sleeping arrangements with her ex, not setting boundaries with her ex to respect your relationship, explicitly seeking affection and validation from her ex in secret, then denying that she’s doing anything wrong because she loves you “romantically”, whatever that means to her.

Get out. I don’t know what hold this woman has on you and her ex that both of you have become so clouded to what she’s doing and what you deserve, but it isn’t this. My most generous reading of the situation is that she jumped into a relationship with you too quickly and needs some time to extricate her from her ex, heal from that break-up and then she might be a good partner to you — but she is an adult. She knows when she’s treating her current girlfriend and her ex with empathy, respect and honesty, and she’s choosing not to. She’s being incredibly selfish and manipulating both of you in order to get exactly what she wants.

You’re not comfortable and have resorted to snooping, her ex is hurt and confused and being made to snuggle with and lavish attention on the woman who unceremoniously dumped her, and you’re wondering if you’re wrong to feel uncomfortable.

You’re not wrong. You both deserve so much better. Get out.