Dealing with their leaving

Over the years of helping young people I have encountered adolescent boys and girls who hate school, hate homework, do not want to be in school and react aggressively and sometimes violently when any pressure is put upon them to study.

Any attempt to outline to them the effects of their behaviour on parents and teachers is met with a shrug of the shoulders - a "what do I care?" response. I have to be honest and say that my own immediate covert response is to want to take the young person by the scruff of the neck and tell him (or her) in no uncertain terms what I think of him - and that he can think again before he tries to get away with such obnoxious behaviour.

Thankfully, a deeper, intuitive voice quickly intervenes and asks me how my behaviour would be any different were I to react in such an aggressive and oppressive way? Touche!

Nevertheless, there are issues to be addressed, and I would be doing no favours for myself or the unhappy parents or teachers -and especially the young person - were I to ignore the situation.

There are three sets of needs to be considered - those of the student, the teachers, and the parents.

The approach to the student has to be one that is patient and understanding. The word "understand" means to see beneath your own or another person's troubled behaviour. There is no point in telling the adolescent to grow up and pull their socks up, they will know that you are not making any attempt to understand them, and that your whole purpose is to get them to conform to your wishes. The consequence is that they dig their heels in ever deeper. The fall-out from that can mean that parents and teachers will increase the pressure on the adolescent, and a vicious circle will ensue.

What is certain is that going down this road will bring no resolution. It is difficult for the concerned adults to hold their nerve - and their temper - and consider what lies behind a child's unwillingness to study.

Some parents see this as giving in, but no progress will be made unless the causes of the block to school and learning are unearthed. It is important for parents to be aware that sometimes the reasons may be at a subconscious level and unless the young person feels that it is emotionally safe to break the silence on hidden causes, the reasons may even continue to be hidden from him or herself. In such a situation, the parents need to be patient and supportive and give space and time for the deeper issues to rise to the surface of the student's mind.

I recall one adolescent initially having no idea why he hated school, study and homework. It was only with gentle exploration that his fear of not being good enough to please his father emerged. Before any progress with schoolwork could be made, what was required was the resolution of his difficulties with his father. This can take time and it needs to be made very clear to the young person that, in the meantime, he can't be taking his problems out on other people, be they teachers, siblings, peers or parents. Any disrespect will be dealt with firmly but respectfully - this can take the form of a loss of privileges, being "grounded", request for an apology or any sanction that provokes a responsible response.

Sometimes, when the reasons for hating school have been detected and there has been some progress made on these issues, the young person may still persist in his notion of wanting to "drop out" of school and go out to work.

Some parents panic and the temptation is to react by telling children that they're ruining their lives. However, this brings the situation back to square one. As difficult as it may be, the parents would be wise to accept the young person's stance and allow him or her to join the workforce.

Experience is the best teacher. I have seen young people decide to return to school after a year of work. Of course, there is the situation where the adolescent drops out of school but stays in bed all day, watches television all night and makes no effort to find a job. In such an eventuality, parents need to hold clear boundaries, calmly make requests for following through on commitments, provide no pocket money, no television and no "taxi service".

When parents do not stick to their guns, young people will exploit the parents' lack of resolve. All the time, the parents are open to listening, being understanding and supportive, but mature actions the parts of both parents and adolescents always speak louder than words.

When stalemate is reached, finding help beyond the family may be required. If the young person refuses to go, it is vital that the parents themselves go and talk to a professional trained in family dynamics, and to inform their son or daughter of their course of action.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of A Different Kind of Discipline