IF YOU ASK ME:The Irish coach might not be allowed to pick Paddy Wallace but things could be a lot worse . . . he could be in charge of England, writes RISTEARD COOPER

DING DING! All aboard another roller-coaster ride with team Ireland. Time to start over, to blood some new talent and move into a new era. Eh, well maybe not quite yet. We are dealing with Father Deccie here and Steady Deccie is about as experimental with his match day team as Enda Kenny is with his hair-do.

Though in fairness to the Taoiseach, these days you’d have to say he cuts quite a dash, in a Castlebar kind of way, becoming, as he has, the Roger Moore of Brussels, a man who, with a mere lift of an eyebrow is capable of communicating so much and simultaneously, so little.

In choosing 13 of the same team that started THAT World Cup match (and one of the changes was enforced due to the absence of the golden one) Deccie has made the most cautious man in sport – Signor Giovanni Trapattoni – look like an impulsive child in a sweet shop. In fact the two are not dissimilar in many ways and the Trapattoni- plus-translator interview routine is a technique Deccie might well employ during this campaign, especially if he has to talk to Jonathan Davies.

It works wonders for Trap, pretend you don’t understand the question and then answer one that wasn’t asked. Although Deccie does that already doesn’t he? But here’s one question I’d like to hear the answer to; if it doesn’t make sense to blood new players in this campaign, when does it make sense?

Conservative? Deccie? Perish the thought, but the only real surprise in this selection is that he didn’t opt for Paddy Wallace in the centre. He is in the 32-man panel of course.

Wallace is the Paul McShane of Irish rugby. Just when you feel his days are numbered, he’s thrown right back – not quite into the thick of it – but more on the edge of it. As they say up north, “There’s only one Paddy Wallace”.

There’s only one Paul McShane too, mind you, so that makes two of them and as I’ve often said to myself while listening to the trio of singing priests, “Sometimes one is too many”.

Even though Deccie’s decision to plump for a few young guns in an extended squad appears to be a nod toward tinkering, by the end of the campaign it will surely prove to be no more than a red herring. See? Even his herrings are from Munster!

That canny Cork mind is always ticking over – “I know! I’ll throw some of these young fellas into the squad so people don’t give me stick for being conservative and then for the actual matches, I’ll go back to the World Cup squad.”

But, he is not blindly loyal to everyone in a red jersey, just ask Tomás O’Leary. Indeed his loyalty to some and not to others is hard to fathom, but the question has to be asked, how does his steadfast loyalty to the chosen few affect the dynamic in the selection room?

IRFU SELECTION COMMITTEE ROOM –31/1/12 – 20:03

CHAIRMAN: Well we might as well cut to the chase. The team more or less picks itself anyway. So, fullback?

DK: Eh, Paddy Wallace?

SELECTOR 1: Eh, sorry Declan, but I don’t think he’s a fullback. How about Rob Kearney?

ALL: Yes, Rob Kearney.

CHAIRMAN: Okay! Right wing?

DK: Eh, Paddy Wallace?

SELECTOR 1: Stick with Tommy Bowe, I say. Or he could work at 13 instead of Brian? What do you say, Deccie?

DK: Paddy has a lot of pace too you know?

(SILENCE)

DK: Right, Tommy Bowe it is.

CHAIRMAN: So here we go, 13? Jeez!! What are we going to do here?

(MUCH FINGER TAPPING)

DK: Mmm, Paddy Wa –

SELECTOR 1: Don’t think he’s a 13, to be honest, Deccie.

CHAIRMAN: Let’s come back to 13. Where are we? Oh yes 10! Straight forward enough, I suppose. Jonny? Ronan?

DK: Ehh, Paddy W-

ALL: NNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Of course England despite their “difficulties” have put faith in a newish looking team, with a beast of a lad named Robshaw leading the way. It wouldn’t be right to kick England when they are down. All that negative press, all the internal wrangling, all those arrests? No it wouldn’t be right, but sure we’ll give it a go anyway!

You’d have to feel some sympathy for England’s interim coach Stuart Lancaster (the word “interim” means you’re it until we find someone better). His performance will be reviewed by Rob “The Rat” Andrew and co after the Six Nations. Yippee, he must be brimming with confidence. Not only does he have no time to prove himself, he’s running out of players with which to do it.

LANCASTER SELECTS HIS SQUAD WITH ASSISTANT ANDY FARRELL

SL: So fullback! Well it’s either Ben Foden or Delon Armitage.

AF: Foden. Armitage has been arrested.

SL: OK . . . em, 14! Got to go with Chris Ashton.

AF: No, Ashton told me to f*** off and he’s just written a column in the Daily Mail calling you a tosser.

SL: Right. Let’s come back to that. 13, Tuilagi?

AF: Injured.

SL: Tindall?

AF: Too old.

SL: Banahan?

AF: He’s a wing. And he’s too slow.

SL: We could put Danny Care on the wing?

AF: He’s been arrested as well.

SL: D’oh!!!!

What next for England? Surely it’s only a matter of time before one of their players announces he is in fact female. I’m not saying who my money’s on!

Predictions for the weekend?

Scotland to beat England in Murrayfield, France to pulverize Italy and Ireland to squeeze home in a mighty struggle.

Predictions for the tournament?

France have got rid of Inspector Clouseau and installed Hercule Poirot – I know he’s Belgian but you get my drift. Watch out everyone else!