Integrity called into question, but whose?

LIFE will never be the same again for football fans. Love him or hate him, he's all we talked about for the past few seasons in the pubs, clubs and bingo halls of Ireland. "He should be banned for life," some insisted. "Rubbish - he's the only one worth watching," his supporters countered.

Deep in our hearts we knew it couldn't last forever. It was always a tempestuous, passionate relationship but it lacked stability. "It is like a marriage, RTE is my perfect wife," he probably once said before adding, ominously: "Leaving RTE is like leaving a woman. When you have nothing left to say, you go.

And now, it seems, it's over. Gone from our screens - and not a word of farewell to his fans. Collar up, chest out, Radio Ireland on his back and out the door of Montrose. Au revoir Eamon Dunphy.

But maybe he'll come back. "He's retired before you know," pointed out one of his admirers during the week. "Remember Dermot Morgan took the mickey out of him a few years ago? He retired then too." Oh yeah. "And he came back."

So, no more Eamon playing that attacking role in front of the flat back two of Bill O'Herlihy and Johnny Giles? "No." Leaves us a bit blunt up front, doesn't it? "Exactly." Who's taken his place then? "Jim Beglin." Oh. But he's a defender isn't he? "Exactly."

And there were us bingo-players following the trawler Dunphy because we thought Mick McCarthy would be thrown into the sea . . . and it's Eamo who jumps ship in the end. "Pardon?" Sorry, I've other things on my mind.

So why's Eamo gone this time? "Eamon Dunphy has chosen not to participate in tonight's programme. He has informed RTE that he was unhappy with the way he was depicted in a sketch in Sports Stadium prior to last Saturday's FA Cup final," Bill told us on Wednesday night, prior to Ireland's `match' against Liechtenstein.

A sketch? "Yeah, some bloke dressed up as an ape and pretended he was Eamo," explained Eamo's number one fan. Oh. That's not very nice is it? "No." That really was an attack on Eamo's integrity, professionalism, and character, wasn't it? "Exactly.

Wait, Bill's got something else to tell us. "In our last World Cup programme, during coverage of the Ireland v Romania match, certain comments were made about Mick McCarthy and the possibility of his contract being extended by the FAI.

"We've been contacted by representatives of Mick McCarthy who've asked us to point out that he has always put the team's interests before his own and that his primary concern is that the team qualifies for the World Cup. Any suggestion to the contrary was not that of RTE and RTE regrets any offence that may have been caused," blushed Bill.

So what were Eamo's comments about Mick McCarthy? "Well, he said something like `This guy hasn't got a clue what he's at except manipulating public opinion and the FAI to get a longer contract'," said Eamo's fan.

Blimey. What else did he say? "Ah. that was about it really." Nothing else? "Well, he also said: "What Mick McCarthy's doing is interesting . . . he knows there's a perception out there that the players are too old, and he knows that if he can make that perception a reality by dropping them and putting young guys in, he'll be forgiven the bad results he's getting, that's his game - he's a manipulator of public opinion through the press.

Oh. That's not very nice is it? "Sounds fair enough to me." But is that not a little bit silly, suggesting that Mick kinda wants bad results and doesn't want to qualify for the World Cup ... so his contract will be extended? "Sounds fair enough to me.

But would Mick not be, well, sacked if the team had loads and loads of bad results? "Maybe." And was that not an attack on Mick's integrity, professionalism and character? "No, that's different." How? "Just is." How? "Well, he didn't dress up as an ape and pretend he was Mick." Right. But is imitation not the sincerest form of flattery? "Ah, HOLD IT THERE."

Well, if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Newcastle's Warren Barton should be floating on air these days. Warren was a guest on Channel Four's Under the Moon on Wednesday night when Newcastle fan - and Warren admirer - Marisa phoned in.

"I just want to tell Warren that he has a double in Newcastle who goes around pretending he's Warren Barton and getting all the girls to go out with him," she announced.

"Have you met him," asked a puzzled Danny Kelly, presenter of the show. "I met him yeah AND went out on a date with him, thinking he really was Warren Barton," confessed Marisa. "YOU WENT OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM," said an astounded Danny.

"Yeah - I swear to God, on my mother's life, he's the absolute double of him. I snogged him in a shop doorway but everyone said Warren is so much a gentleman he would never have done that."

By now Warren was sitting most uncomfortably on the studio couch, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. "I really thought it was him, honestly, cos I go to the matches but I wear glasses so I can't see - but I really thought it was him," added Marisa in her defence.

"And how did you discover it wasn't Warren Barton," asked Danny. "Well, his pals came up to me and said `I hope you know it's not really Warren Barton, he's not really going to take you to some swanky place you know'. So Warren, if you ever go out in Newcastle and you meet someone called Marisa could you just come up and say a proper hello." Warren blushed and didn't answer which left us wondering was it the REAL Warren Barton who snogged Marisa in the shop doorway. (And maybe his pals were Alan, Tino, Les and Kenny).