Forget the security breach at Buckingham Palace revealed in the 'Mirror', the thrill is in the royal household trivia, writes Róisín Ingle
At one point during a recent interview with the Lord Mayor of Dublin, Royston Brady, this reporter found herself completely alone in his Mansion House boudoir. I could have poisoned his fruit bowl or planted a bomb under his four-poster or laced his pillows with anthrax. Instead, I took the opportunity to check out his en suite bathroom, as the tiling is nothing short of impressive. Brady had a lucky escape.
The British royal family has escaped equally unscathed from the potentially life-threatening presence of a journalist in close, unsupervised proximity. Rather than plotting to assassinate them, Mirror journalist Ryan Parry, who posed as a footman at Buckingham Palace for two months, deserves a knighthood (now unlikely) for gathering enough royal trivia to sustain at least 10 new episodes of the legendary satirical television show, Spitting Image.
And what trivia! The long-running Spitting Image gag was that the royal family were more like the BBC's famous Royle family, watching Coronation Street of an evening and doing the things normal families do. Thanks to Parry, we now know this to be true.
Among the nuggets unearthed by the 26-year-old reporter were: Queen Elizabeth likes "light" marmalade; she feeds her Corgis toast underneath the breakfast table and watches EastEnders religiously. Even more intriguing was the monarch's fondness for Sky 1's Kirsty's Home Videos, which can only be described as a nudist lover's You've Been Framed.
Crucially for Parry, they even employ key staff in the same lackadaisical manner we might occasionally hire the services of a cleaner or a decorator. Except us red-blooded types might be a little more thorough about checking references. Parry avoided the scrutiny of royal staff by sending in a fake CV with fake references. One was from a fictional paint company Parry said he had worked for, the other from a pub where he claimed to have worked as a barman. When the palace called the pub to check Parry's bonafides, the barmaid shouted out the journalist's name and a regular said he recognised him.
That was enough to satisfy Buckingham Palace and Parry got the job.
Once togged out in the official livery, Parry was given the freedom of the palace, spending the next two months on a mission to highlight palace security breaches. And while much of the resulting furore in Britain has concerned the security implications of Parry's ruse - the journalist laid out George Bush's chocolates in his bedroom and was due to serve Colin Powell's breakfast had he not blown his own cover this week - the thrill is in the trivia and not the fact that the journalist was in a position to cause injury or worse to members of the royal household and their guests.
Over a 15-page spread in the Mirror and an understated 12 pages the following day, you could take your pick from Parry's palace revelations while perusing the often vile royal décor seen in his accompanying sneaky snaps. The Count and Countess of Wessex share their bed with a load of cuddly toys. So does the Duke of York. And Prince Andrew, despite his divorce from Sarah Ferguson, has retained the "Duke and Duchess of York" sign on his bedroom door, while a cushion in the room reads "Eat, Drink and Remarry".
Things run like clockwork in the royal household. Queen Elizabeth dines at 8 p.m., when the remote control must be placed on her left. Dinner is later on a Friday so it doesn't clash with EastEnders. While the queen doesn't like The Bill, she confesses she "can't help watching it".
At the breakfast table, precision is everything. Prince Philip's Roberts radio must be placed in the exact same spot each day. As must Tupperware (Tupperware!) containers of porridge oats and cornflakes be similarly precisely placed. The newspapers too are laid out in the same spot each day, with the Racing Post on top. ("It looks innocent," wrote Parry of the photograph of the breakfast table taken by him. "but I could have been a terrorist with plenty of time to poison it.")
Predictably one was not amused. Because of the confidentiality agreement signed by all footmen, including Parry when he took the job, the queen has secured a gagging order on the Mirror which unfortunately means it's unlikely we will hear any more juicy gossip from Parry's stay at the palace. Gossip like the fact that when in a bad mood Prince Andrew greets his footman with a grumpy "f**k off" in the morning.
Chances are similar refrains from outraged royals were turning the air around the palace blue this week.