That's men for you: It might not be news to men that more than 80 per cent of the complaining in marriages is done by wives.
And it might not be news to women that even in successful marriages most of the things that couples argue about remain unresolved.
These findings have been arrived at by US psychologists John Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman. Their research into marital harmony and disharmony has made them famous and, no doubt, rich.
Given the figures above, what hope is there for any marriage? The hope lies in this: according to the Gottmans, the success or failure of a marriage does not depend on whether the couples fight. After all, fighting is one of the things couples do and there really is little point in getting upset over that fact in itself.
What matters, the Gottmans would say, is how people fight and how good they are at making up afterwards.
This is where they introduce what they call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four chaps generally herald chaos and destruction. They are not good to have around, especially in your marriage.
The Gottmans use the term Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe four behaviours which, if they become a core part of the marriage, mean the marriage is at very high risk of breaking up.
The Horsemen travel in pairs. The first two are criticism and defensiveness. The pattern is that she criticises harshly and he defends himself. This happens again and again. Communication suffers and nothing really changes.
If this persists, the next two Horsemen come clattering along. These are contempt and stonewalling: criticism has changed to contempt and defensiveness to stonewalling. The prospect of meaningful communication has gone.
There was a time when people would have put up with this kind of thing for the rest of their lives. They had little real choice. In today's world, the chances are high that one or the other will look for a separation or divorce.
By the way, one of the great problems with contempt and stonewalling is that each partner develops a distorted view of what is going on. In other words, each partner sees the other person as solely responsible for everything that is bad about the marriage. Neither is able to see how he or she contributes to the likely breakdown.
The Gottmans, accepting that criticism is part and parcel of any close human relationship, encourage those who wish to criticise their partners to avoid harshness in the way they begin the criticism.
"You really sicken me," is a harsh opening, for example, and criticism introduced in that way will simply not be heard in any meaningful manner by the other person.
As for the target of the criticism, usually the man, the Gottmans suggest that he look at some changes he could make rather than simply assuming that all the criticism is invalid.
They noted that couples with successful marriages manage to put their rows behind them reasonably quickly. They do not keep them going for weeks and months.
They found, too, that if the couple show their appreciation to each other as a matter of course during the marriage then the relationship has a much better chance of surviving the inevitable storms.
This is not just a matter of flowers and chocolates. It might be listening to your partner's account of their day, smiling at your partner, sharing light moments or responding to your partner's attempts at conversation. These are all things that don't cost money at all.
But if you have ever dealt with warring couples you will know that many couples are far, far beyond being able to do any of these things. They might look simplistic but just try doing them when you and your partner have been at odds for years! I suppose what the Gottmans are really talking about is applying tolerance and appreciation to each other. And you really, really need to start doing that before things get so bad you can only communicate through the lawyers.
Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.
