The key to knowing the difference between being a gentleman and being a patronising git is a bit of perspective, writes MICHAEL KELLY.
I WAS in the local DIY store the other day and noticed that the woman in front of me at the check-out was struggling to lift an enormous bag of compost into her trolley. I asked her whether she wanted some help to carry it to her car, even though I was sizing it up and wondering whether I would be able to lift it at all since it seemed to weigh as much as a small horse.
As soon as I asked the question, I knew I was in trouble. Her cheeks reddened and her bottom lip trembled. “Would you ask a man if he needed help?” she screeched and while I had a think about that, she called me some choice names including (I think) “a misogynist” before storming off with her trolley.
It’s interesting that this simple act of courtesy came so close to being detrimental to my physical health, given that many experts believe that courtesy is in fact good for our health.
“A civil and congenial encounter is good for us because it has the effect of keeping at bay the storm of stress response,” according to Dr PM Forni of John Hopkins University and author of Choosing Civility.
“Positive social interaction produces relaxation and relaxation produces good health.” On the basis of my experience at the hardware store, he should perhaps have added – “most of the time”.
Occasional mishaps aside, Robert O'Byrne, the author of Mind Your Manners: A Guide to Good Behaviour, agrees that gentlemanly behaviour could be good for your health. "Courtesy is inherently calming," he says. "And being calm is good for one's health. Bad behaviour in general is stress-induced or stress-inducing which I would suggest is very bad for our mental and physical health."
A common comment that you hear about the Celtic Tiger era is that our prosperity came at the expense of courtesy and good manners. O’Byrne believes our current economic problems could, in fact, lead to a resurgence in gentlemanly behaviour.
“Most people would accept that there was a considerable decline in manners among both sexes during the boom years, so in a recession I think you will see a revival of courtesy. We are more dependent on each other in times of recession and therefore more likely to be courteous.”
Etiquette expert Pamela Fay agrees. Her company, BPP, specialises in business etiquette training and she thinks there has been a marked increase of late in people being nice to one another. “People were so stressed and busy they didn’t feel they had the time to be polite. We became so selfish and so individualistic as a society. I think that good manners are in vogue again.”
General acts of courtesy are gender-neutral and have an objective in mind – they are designed to help another human being. Surely people of both genders can see the necessity to give up your seat on a bus for an elderly person or a pregnant woman?
The problem of course with many of the classic gentlemanly gestures is that they appear outmoded and even illogical in a society where men and women are equal. What exactly is the point of men standing up when a woman enters a room for example? Is this courteous or patronising? Should it be the preserve of characters in a Jane Austen novel?
"I stand up when a woman enters a room," says O'Byrne, a former Irish Times writer, stoically. "It does provoke a negative reaction in some quarters but I do it regardless of the reaction.
“Of course these gestures don’t really have any logic to them but men do it because they are brought up that way. It’s a learned behaviour. I don’t know whether they are necessary or not, which is why I would never judge other men who don’t do it. You could get hung up on it and say I won’t do it anymore because it might cause offence, but really it’s their concern if they take offence, not yours. Always choose courtesy first.”
The word ‘chivalry’ is a bit of an issue in itself, according to O’Byrne. “I think it evokes Victorian etiquette so we need to be thinking in terms of a different language. Etiquette has to do with exclusion and enforcing rules on people while courtesy is about being inclusive and making others feel comfortable.
“Courtesy shouldn’t be gender focused. Chivalry is not really applicable in our society but what remains applicable is thinking of others and not putting ourselves first.”
The problem for men who aspire to being courteous towards women is that we may not always get the reaction we expect (as was the reaction I got from my compost-toting friend).
“I think that if you hold the door for a woman and show her a courtesy then she should have the good manners to thank you,” says O’Byrne. “If she doesn’t, that’s bad manners regardless of gender.”
The key to knowing the difference between being a gentleman and being a patronising git is a bit of perspective, according to O’Byrne. “If a young, able woman is walking along with two shopping bags and you’re an old man, then it’s just silly for you to be going up to help her.
“If you’re on a bus and a woman gets on, should you give up your seat? Well no, because a woman is obviously as capable as standing as a man is. If it’s a pregnant woman then of course I would offer her my seat. But equally if an elderly man gets on to the bus, then a younger woman should offer him her seat too. Courtesy cuts every which way.”
So how do modern women feel about the classic “illogical” gentlemanly gestures? “They are still absolutely appreciated,” says Fay. “I don’t find them patronising in any way, and I think that any woman who is offended by them is being very silly really.
“They are nice gestures, designed as a mark of respect and if they make people feel good, then it’s a nice thing to do.”