Give them what they want - a bargain, says Isabel Morton

THE TIME has come to swallow your pride and scream from the rooftops. "WE NEED TO SELL - AND URGENTLY"

Just as last season's designer garments fail to excite the fashionistas, your home, regardless of how highly it may once have been rated, will not now excite the chattering classes.

Why? Because property is no longer considered a fashionable topic of conversation.

In fact, it's a topic to be avoided at all costs these days. It is, as they say, a sore subject.

However, on the bright side, the property website Daft has noticed a 35 per cent increase in browsers to their internet site this September compared with September 2007.

Now, perhaps they are all nervous homeowners, checking daily to see by how much their property has dropped in value. Or perhaps there are a lot of window-shoppers out in cyberspace at the moment. But along with the above mentioned, I suspect that there may also be a number of potential purchasers watching and waiting in the wings for any signs that we have reached rock bottom.

If you have been trying without luck to sell your property, perhaps it's now time to pull out all the stops and go for it. Dignity, self respect, snobbery and pride must be cast aside for this gruesome task.

Treat your house as if it were a designer dress, which is now being sold on the store sale rail. Create supersized (laminated) garment swing tickets in day-glo colours of orange, red and that particularly vicious shade of luminous green and let them swing gaily from your chimney pots, TV aerials, trees and lamp posts.

Mark them with details of the size (square metres) and style (ie 1880s Victorian, 1970s renovated or whatever). Make it absolutely clear that the original asking price has been slashed to the considerably lower price which you are now hoping to achieve.

Or given the festive time of the year, wrap your house up in seasonal bright red ribbon as if it were a Christmas present. (Let's be honest - you are practically giving your property away anyway.)

Tie the fabric in a big bow and add a large gift tag with the original and reduced price details. Make sure your "gift" looks enticing enough for potential purchasers to want to "open".

You might even consider giving your home a glamour girl look by outlining the features of the house with twinkling white fairy lights, and lit candle lanterns in every window. Swathe the house in a Barbie pink beauty queen satin sash printed with: "How could you resist coming home to a girl like me? And, I could be all yours for only €XXX."

Or you could pitch for the sympathy vote by having backlit posters positioned in every window with details of your dilemma clearly stated in black and white. "HELP! IF I DON'T SELL MY HOME FAST I'LL END UP IN COURT."

Ideally, have your entire family distribute basic leaflets in your area with details of the dates and times your house will be open for viewing. Having each child rattle a collection box marked "please help save my Dad from the debtors prison" might be effective but possibly illegal.

Or, if all else fails, you could try appealing to people's sense of humour by positioning large, gaudy handwritten signs in every window in your property with "HOUSE FOR SALE. To include all fixtures and fittings; my flashy car; the wife's banger; my nearly new set of golf clubs; five container loads of Ikea furniture; two bright kids (likely to get scholarships); the missus herself (a bit tired looking now but a great cook); and my (very accommodating) secretary. ALL half reasonable offers will be considered."

And estate agents could become more adventurous and provide guided bus tours of properties for sale in their areas, with stops to view the individual properties.

This would encourage viewings, reduce the number of estate agents required on Saturday afternoons and condense the numbers viewing any one property into a tighter timeframe, which would make life easier for the vendors.

Those wishing to purchase a property would apply to the estate agents for property tour tickets and would request a tour based on their preferred area and their budget.

Buses would be numbered according to same - ie D4 Over 3 (Dublin 4, over €3 million).

Obviously some buses would be more elitist to be seen on than others.

You think I am joking? Believe me, I am not.

The reality is that until the banks start lending again and the world resumes turning, we will have to resort to any marketing method, which has even the remotest chance of working.

So, it's up to the vendors to tell prospective purchasers what they're getting - A BARGAIN.

After all, these days, their mantra is "No Bargain, No Buy".