‘My 11-year-old daughter is emotional and upset after school’

Question: My 11-year-old daughter is very kind, caring and sensitive girl. However, she often comes home upset and emotional from school. Lots of things can upset her, such as a disagreement with a friend or when the teacher did not pick her for a project or when she sees someone being mean in the class.

Sometimes I think she is being oversensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill and sometimes I wonder if she is being mistreated when a friend does not include her. I wonder how best to help her.

Should I try to stay neutral or should I try to sort things out for her? Sometimes I think I should contact the teacher, but then this might be an over-reaction. It breaks my heart seeing her upset and I find myself getting upset too. She has become much more emotional recently and her school upsets are almost daily. She also gets upset by other issues such as hearing bad news on the TV last week, she upset about a story about a homeless family and couldn't understand how no one could help them and she is often worried about Covid-19.

How can I help her?

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Answer: As a parent it is hard to see your child upset and emotional. Of course, your immediate reaction is to want to step in and sort out the problem to make them feel better. However, as they get older, often, you have to take a step back and encourage them to work out their own worries.

In the long term you want to help them learn the skills to make their own decisions about friendships and life challenges. At 11 years of age your daughter is likely to be in the middle of puberty which brings with it an increase of hormones and intense emotions. She is likely to be much more self-conscious than before, more sensitive about relationships and how people treat each other and also wondering about the big life issues.

In addition to all this, your daughter is also dealing with a difficult 2020, with the lockdowns and restrictions imposed by Covid-19. It is really good that she is talking to you about what is going on for her and sharing what is on her mind – it would be much worse if she was hiding things and coping with these challenges alone.

When she talks to you about what is upsetting her, you are right to reflect about your own feelings and to think carefully about how to respond. If you get angry or over-upset when she is sharing feelings, this might stop her talking to you in the future. She might not want to upset you or fear you will judge her or worry that you might take action that she does not like (eg tell the teacher). The most important thing is to keep communication open between you as much as possible. Below are a couple of suggestions.

Take her worries seriously

Set aside time to listen to her worries and upsets. If it does not suit when she comes in from school, you can do it at another time of day. Even if you feel she is “sometimes making a mountain out of a molehill” give her give her space to debrief and express her feelings. This is really important in helping her. For example, if the teacher does not pick her for a project, acknowledge that it can be hard when you are not picked, even if it is not your turn.

Affirm your daughter

Affirm your daughter’s positive qualities. When she is upset about news about a homeless family, you can acknowledge that this is because of her caring nature. When she is worried about someone being mean in school to another child, you can acknowledge how you understand how hard it is to witness this and how it is a sign of her sensitivity to other people’s feelings.

Help her work things out for herself

Rather than immediately jumping in with solutions, help her think through the issues herself. If she has a disagreement with a friend, as well as listening to her feelings ask her “what do you think the other girl is feeling?”, “why do you think she is behaving that way?” and then “what do you think is the best way to sort things out?”

Once she has thought about the issue herself, you can then share your own feelings and ideas. However, helping her think about it first, usually means better solutions and improves her own problem-solving abilities.

Discuss how you can help her 

There may of course be times that you might have to intervene to help her. For example, if she is being excluded in school then you might need to talk to the teacher to help sort this out. Generally it is a good idea to discuss with her first what you action might take. You might start with an opening question – “how would you like me to help you with this?” – before making a suggestion.

If she is initially dead set against an action you want to take, take your time to explore how you might do this in a way she agrees to. For example, there may a way of reassuring about how you can talk to the teacher in private to make things better for her in the classroom.

– John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie