One of the few men in the western world yet to have seen 'Star Wars', 29-year-old TIM JONZEtries to piece the plot together from what he thinks he knows – before comparing his version with George Lucas's

I MUST BE one of the only people who have never seen Star Wars. Or so it feels. I'm not sure what I was doing between the ages of five and 29, but somehow I managed to avoid this rite of passage. It wasn't for lack of trying. My dad tells me we sat down to watch it twice, but both times I fell asleep before we were half an hour in. Space battles and lasers? I was much more interested in playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Since then, I’ve gone through life avoiding ever being in a room when the film is on. When friends talk about Yoda or Jedi knights, my brain just shuts down for a quick daydream about something more interesting – like Cornettos.

The negative side of all this is that there’s a gaping hole in my cultural knowledge. I don’t really know who Jabba the Hutt is. I haven’t a clue what the Force does, or how you switch it on. I don’t even know the name of the big spaceship – and I owned the toy version once (before I sold it to Clint Sheen in primary school for – ouch! – £5).

In the UK, there has been a radio series, and now a BBC TV series, called I've Never Seen Star Wars, in which celebrities embark on everyday things they've never attempted before. But even the BBC never managed to find a celebrity who hadn't seen Star Wars. I decided the time had come to boldly go where I'd never gone before (wrong space show, I know) and watch the damn thing. But first, I would sit down and try to write the plot, based on everything I had pieced together from a quarter of a century of watching clips on retro TV shows, reading magazines and laughing at jokes that I pretended to understand.

SO HERE’S WHAT I think happens . . .

It is the future, probably a long way into the future – let’s say 3058. The good guys are flying through space on a big white circular ship. They like to play classical music in the background.

Their heroic captain is called Luke Skywalker and he is joined by their man-shaped pet, Chewbacca, a two-foot-tall robot, and Princess Leah; since she’s the only girl, Luke would quite like to get it on with her. I hope she’s not his sister.

There's also a gold man called Cee Three Pio who likes sweeping up after everyone (although I might be confusing him with Kryten from cult British space sitcom Red Dwarf), plus a gang of furry cats called Ewoks. A pretty crazy bunch of chums, that's for sure. Chewbacca makes the crew laugh a lot by going: "Haaaaaaw, haaaaaaaw." I know this because when I told my girlfriend I was writing this she went: "Haaaaaw, haaaaaw." Then, when I looked genuinely frightened, she said: "What, you've never heard Chewbacca do that? That's weird." A friend told me that "Chewie" was "a lovable camp rug" and secretly gay. This might have been a trick. But what the hell, let's say that Chewbacca is having trouble expressing his sexuality, which has resulted in disturbed vocalisations.

Anyway, one day in space they are attacked by the baddies who rule the Empire. This is because the Empire is evil and, er, that’s about it. They like bad things and hate good things. This battle might well be part of the Clone Wars. The baddies are all white and called Stormtroopers and led by a black stormtrooper called Darth Vader. The baddies storm (that’s all they can do – that and troop) on to the white circular ship. It’s time for Luke to be heroic and say to his collection of really weird friends: “May the force be with you.” It works: the baddies all end up getting killed, whereas nobody on the goodies’ side worth caring about dies. This is some achievement considering it’s an army of trained soldiers against a two-foot robot and a camp rug.

But! Darth Vader is still alive. They all run around the ship having a fight until it’s just Luke and Darth having a fight. Then Luke’s sword becomes a laser and he says: “The force is strong with this one,” and hits Darth. As he’s dying, Darth says: “I’m your dad, you idiot.” It’s all pretty sad and Freudian.

But it's for kids and it has to end happily. To achieve this, Chewie goes "Hawww, hawww", and Luke gets it on with Princess Leah (who might well be his mum, given the whole Freudian thing going on). Chewbacca gets it on with Jabba the Hutt. Oh damn, I forgot Hans Solo! And Obi-Wan Kenobi, whatever he/she/that is. (In my head, Obi is a kind of flying alien-type thing, with long legs and ninja skills, but I'm not too confident about this.) So, the goodies win. They all shout, "Beam me up, Scotty!" and enter the Enterprise. That's a joke: I'm not that out of touch. But, er, that really is The End. Until the return of the Jedi, that is. Or the empire strikes back.

AND THEN I watched the real thing . . .

Star Wars, as made by George Lucas (1977). My version began with the words: “It is the future.” The actual version kicks off with: “A long time ago . . .” Not the best of starts! Although you can probably forgive me for thinking that intergalactic robot battles might not have happened some time around the Tudor period. Anyway, at least now I understand where spoof shows get that scrolling-text-moving-through-space thing.

I got some things right. It is good versus evil; they are in space; Luke and his weird friends are fighting stormtroopers. And C3P0 is much like Kryten. But I made some glaring errors. Obviously, there’s the minor stuff, like the Clone Wars being in the past, forgetting the Death Star, the . . . mmm, I’d love a strawberry Cornetto right now.

Then there are some pretty big things I messed up on. For one, it’s Darth Vader who says: “The Force is strong with this one.” And he doesn’t get around to telling Luke he’s his dad until The Empire Strikes Back. Also, I thought Luke was supposed to be some kind of heroic captain, not a bratty teen with indie hair. He’s well annoying. However, I did quite like the bit where Han (not Hans) Solo looks incredulously at Luke and says: “You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?” That made me feel like I wasn’t the only one.

My worst mistake, though, was Obi-Wan Kenobi. There was I, imagining this flying ninja thing with long legs and an alien’s head. Turns out it’s Alec Guinness in my mum’s dressing gown! Who knew? And his real name’s Ben! I didn’t realise this Ben chap was such a central character, either. I’d relegated him to a bit part in the closing orgy.

Oh yeah, the orgy. The most Luke gets is a kiss on the cheek and by the time The Empire Strikes Backrolls around, she's snogging Han Solo behind the bike sheds. And if Chewie is meant to be gay, then surely it's Han who would end up with him: all that macho posturing and groping Princess Leia (not Leah) has to be a front for something.

Did I enjoy it? Kind of. Watching it after all this time was pretty exciting. I loved the space scenes, the cityscapes, and the fact there were more odd characters than a box-set of those surreal comics the Mighty Boosh. But the action did get a bit boring. And it didn’t help that I already knew Darth was Luke’s dad – that’s quite a spoiler. Also, it was hard to buy the whole Force thing when the entire film hinged on the fact that the stormtroopers had the worst shooting skills ever. They couldn’t hit their targets from five yards, which rendered most gunfights pretty pointless.

If I wasn’t totally blown away, it’s probably not that surprising. Star Wars was not designed to be watched for the first time in 2009 by a 29-year-old man. Overall, I think George Lucas had a good bash at it. At least a B-minus. But it could have done with more flying ninjas and a big orgy at the end. If you’re reading, George, I’m around to give you a hand with Episode VII.

(– Guardian service)