When talking to one's boss, almost everything is taboo

Modern office taboos are more subtle and, therefore, easier to break if one is not eternally vigilant, writes LUCY KELLAWAY

LAST WEEK, while writing about the taboo that prevents millions of clinically depressed office workers from discussing their condition around the water cooler, I inadvertently broke another taboo.

I used the word “balls” in a description of a routine test that doctors perform on males. Various readers wrote in to complain that the term was inappropriate in a column about office life. I was touched that they could be bothered to react to such a minor act of vulgarity, given the major acts of vulgarity that are performed all the time in offices everywhere.

But the complaint also made me hanker for a rulebook, a definitive guide to what is and is not appropriate in offices.

As there is nothing of the sort on the internet, I’ve had to write my own and go out hunting for office taboos. At first, I looked in the obvious places but came back almost empty-handed, as most of the old taboos are on the way out.

For a start, swearing and other dodgy language is acceptable in most offices, so long as it is between consenting peers and so long as one or two of the bluest words are avoided. It is still not a good idea to swear directly at anyone, especially if that person is one’s boss.

Sex remains somewhat inappropriate – in particular engaging in the act on office premises. However, flirting – which, for the past 15 years was taboo, as men feared that if they even smiled at a woman they would be done for sexual harassment – is making a comeback. Men are becoming willing once again to comment on the appearance of a female colleague.

This is a change for the better – or would be if men knew how to do it properly. Only last week a male colleague asked in an incredulous tone: “Have you done something to your hair?” I replied frostily: “What I think you are trying to say is: ‘Your hair looks terrific’.”

Discussion of sex is perfectly okay in open-plan offices – one frequently catches glimpses of dirty linen strewn across cubicles as workers have noisy conversations with their divorce lawyers or discuss details of their latest disastrous dates.

Strong emotion, which was once regarded as infra dig, is now seen as a good thing. Crying can be safely done (by women at least) without causing undue damage to one’s career. Anger, too, is coming back in: a recent report suggested it could be cathartic in certain situations.

When it comes to office dress, there is no outfit too skimpy or scruffy. The other day, a woman in my office strutted along the corridor wearing a backless dress that was borderline appropriate for the beach.

Even falling asleep at work isn’t really frowned on – so long as you don’t do it when your boss is talking to you. Some offices have even gone to the trouble of providing sleeping rooms for staff who need 40 winks.

The only thing that I can think of – apart from discussing one’s depression – that remains below the belt is to talk about pay. It is still, thank goodness, considered more than a bit off to ask anyone how much they get paid. However, this lifting of obvious taboos does not mean that anything goes. In fact, anything does not go at all; it is just that there are modern office taboos that are more subtle and, therefore, easy to break if one is not eternally vigilant.

For example, by far the biggest workplace taboo is the truth – or at least any truth that punctures the self-importance of work. A friend tells me that she was recently on a global conference call and each person in turn introduced themselves and said where they were. One person said she was in a meeting room in London. Another said he was on a corporate jet. My friend said she was sitting in the kitchen at home in her pyjamas having a piece of toast. There was a brief silence followed by embarrassed laughter.

Equally, there is a taboo over ambition. One must never own up to having either too much or too little. You can’t say to your boss: I’m just sitting it out until retirement. Neither can you say: I want your job.

Indeed, when speaking to one’s boss, almost everything is taboo. It is very risky to make a joke. It is risky to be chummy. Honest feedback is always a bad plan. So is irony.

It is deeply taboo to criticise your own company. For example, if you work for a strategy consulting firm, you can never say: “We’re just the same as the other strategy consulting firms.” While any old fool outside the firm knows this is true, the geniuses inside cannot afford to admit it or their world would come toppling down.

There is, however, one thing at work that ought to be taboo, but is not: doing bad, sloppy work. This continues to be perfectly acceptable even in the most competitive company on earth.

At Goldman Sachs, where analysts have to jump through 100 hoops to get a job, there is no taboo in sending drivel to clients. Their latest Energy Watch publication says: “Despite the positive demand surprises, supply has also significantly surprised to the upside, with most of the surprise coming out of the FSU where supply not only surprised us by 650,000 b/d but even the IEA by nearly 500,000 b/d . . .”

To use the word “surprise” four times in one sentence in which you admit to having failed to forecast either demand or supply is quite something.

Surprisingly bad, in fact.

– Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2009