Ivan Morris played for no more than honour and wild dreams of glory in the £40,000 Irish Open at Portmarnock in 1977. It wasn't an especially distinguished appearance, but with the resourcefulness of any author worth his salt, the Limerickman has used the experience splendidly in a charming book which landed on my desk this week.

In Only Golf Spoken Here, subtitled "Colourful memoirs of a passionate Irish Golfer", Morris recalls meeting Ben Crenshaw during a flight from Augusta to Atlanta after the US Masters of 1981. And how the American had referred to the famous 15th at Portmarnock as the shortest par five in world golf.

"He said this because it is only 180 yards long and he had made two fives on it during the course of the Irish Open in 1976, but still managed to win the tournament," writes Morris. "I had a lot of fun telling him that I had comprehensively outscored him at the same hole during the same tournament."

For his effrontery in producing a book which will be the envy of professional golf writers, I will now reveal that in his Portmarnock challenge, MGI Morris shot rounds of 80 and 73 to miss the cut by three strokes. Mind you, this quintessential golf nut is probably preserving such details for a second book. As long as I have known the category-one member of Limerick GC, he has had a wonderful facility for self-deprecation. And it shows in a book which contains some marvellous anecdotes, many of them told at the author's expense.

Like the time he first met Joe Carr in the Irish Close at Lahinch in 1967. And how he was two up with four to play before Carr cut the lead by holing a 45-footer for a birdie on the 15th. And how, after Morris had three-putted the short 16th, Carr turned to him and remarked nonchalantly: "I've been in this position thousands of times, you know."

Carr went on to win the match, of course, while Morris was "completely unhinged" by that remark. The Limerickman writes: "Later I complained bitterly to my guru, the great John Burke, about Joe's indifference and on-course comments. John only laughed and said I should have had the wit to answer him back with interest."

Elsewhere in the book, we are told of the several lessons the author received from Harry Bradshaw. During one of them, Morris asked the Brad what would be the single piece of advice he would give himself if he could turn the clock back. Bradshaw remarked with a quiet smile: "Mind me poor old feet."

The book, published by Sleeping Bear Press, is a delight. Invest £20 on it from Golfing Memories in Bray and from selected professional shops - and enjoy.

Poor Tiger

LAST year, we were being informed that Tiger Woods would become golf's first dollar billionaire. Last month, the figure had miraculously grown to five billion. Now it is six billion - and all because of a $20 million-a-year deal with the Disney Corporation, which is reported to include stock options.

Meanwhile, talk of an estimated pension of $300 million from the USPGA Tour after the player turns 60 is being dismissed by his father, Earl, as "just gravy". In his capacity as president of his son's private ETW Corporation, he vowed: "I'm the last of the poor Woodses. There will never be a poor Woods in this world. The Rockerfellers did it. The Kennedys did it . . ."

The player's manager, Mark Steinberg of IMG said: "We know Tiger has big numbers and the tour does a fantastic job with the pension plan. But Tiger will not play events with the pension plan in mind. He will continue to do what he's doing - that's building a schedule with being the best golfer-ever in mind."

Projections for this year indicate that in addition to his prize money, sponsorship deals with Nike, American Express, General Motors, Rolex and Titleist, mean that Woods will outstrip the $59 million which made motor racing's Michael Schumacher the world's highest-paid sportsman of 2000.

Breaking 90

DURING his term as secretary/manager of Co Sligo GC from 1970 to 1980, Harry Roughan gained a reputation for keeping a tight grip on the club's purse-strings and for putting the fear of God into women golfers. Whatever about money matters, there was rich evidence at Rosses Point last weekend of an enviable relationship with one rather special woman. Harry, the club captain in 1959, celebrated his 90th birthday last Sunday, four days after his wife, Nin, had reached the same milestone. And to mark the occasion, there was a right, royal family gathering, complete with a birthday cake bearing their names. And as a little bonus, the Co Sligo club made their longtime member a special presentation.

Hollywood swingers

LOOKING at his recent directorial efforts in the movie The Legend of Bagger Vance, it was difficult to credit that Robert Redford once played golf to a six handicap. One would have expected a player of such ability to have found a far more credible "golfer" for the lead role of Rannulph Junuh than the not-so-sweet-swinging Matt Damon.

But Hollywood golfers are not always what they seem, even if Catherine Zeta Jones is so enthusiastic about the game that she sent her St Andrews caddie an appreciative Christmas card. "I'd love to play some of these socalled low-handicappers for serious money," said one Hollywood insider. "It's amazing how much gambling doesn't take place because people can't play to their numbers." Those who watched Sean Connery in action at the K Club a few years ago wouldn't be too keen to challenge him off 15. But we're talking here about a serious, Scottish practitioner, rather different from American brethren such as Jack Nicholson, who would be a soft touch off 10.7, and Clint Eastwood, who would be an even softer touch off 11. Either way, they all pale in comparison with Bing Crosby who was watched by an estimated gallery of 20,000 when he played in the British Amateur at St Andrews in 1950. And started with two birdies. He also gained the distinction of holing in one at the 16th at Cypress Point, one of the most photographed holes in the game.

This day in golf history

ON April 21st, 1974, Jo Ann Prentiss beat Jane Blalock and Sandra Haynie in a play-off for the Colgate-Dinah Shore Winners Circle Tournament. Her reward was $32,000, the biggest prize in the history of the LPGA Tour.

Teaser: In strokeplay, A, who had mistakenly left his putter at the previous green, borrows a putter from B, a fellow-competitor, and uses it. At the next tee, the committee is advised of the situation. What is the ruling?

Answer: A was not entitled to borrow a club selected for play by any other person on the course (Rule 4-4a). A incurs a penalty of two strokes for a breach of Rule 4-4a and must immediately declare B's putter out of play as prescribed in Rule 4-4c. If A recovers his own putter, he may use it. B may have his putter returned to him and use it for the remainder of the round.