LOCKER ROOM: As the Mother of All Derbies threatens to unfold next weekend, decent Irish folk are offered an alternative

IRISHMEN AND Irishwomen, in the name of God and of the dead generations from which she receives her old tradition of nationhood, Ireland, through us, asks, is there no bloody end to the rugby? In these dark times when our traditional way of life is threatened and when those of us who clung to the old ways and values are either pitied or told to get on board the bus and have a pinty, the members of Rugby, What Rugby are pleased to announce a series of Symposia, Workshops, Demonstrations and Colloquium for those seeking serenity and escape next weekend as the so called Mother of All Derbies unfolds like a trough of depressing weather.

As the ancient clubs of Munster and Leinster, (The Salts and The Toffs, The Dockers and The Doctors call them what you will) those feuding tribes whose derbies have of course been a central feature of Irish life since pre-famine times, join once more in battle why not join us, your fellow backwoods people and some invited inbreds, ingrates and relics of the past, people too vulgar to be spoken of, except in ridicule, by the degenerate dandies of the day, on a weekend retreat. Rugby, What Rugby is proud to offer a haven of learning and contemplation away from the hectoring of the RTÉ rugby panel.

Our Aran Islands venue shall be alive with the old traditional pastimes about which Archbishop Croke wrote so lovingly in his letter. Leaping in various ways, wrestling, handy-grips, top-pegging, leap-frog, rounders, tip-in-the-hat, and all such favourite exercises and amusements amongst men and boys plus some other stuff which outsiders don’t need to know about. Guests will be able to choose also from the following lectures and workshops. Vaccines, Immunity and Wellbeing Workshop. When iodine tablets just aren’t enough: George Hook. Is he contagious?

What to do if you suspect that you have come into contact with Hook or a carrier. The workshop shall begin with an open discussion led by pioneers in the area of immune response to BOD and associated Hubermans.

If you find yourself becoming inordinately drawn to BOD or Hubermans this forum can’t offer a cure but can help prevent you making others catatonic with boredom.

Also natural, discreet and non-invasive remedies for those who suffer from the embarrassment of Popey Intervention Strategies and Behaviour Modification.

What to do if a loved one or a work colleague “comes out” to you about an unnatural interest in ROG’s kicking stats or if without warning he or she starts wearing a Munster jersey causing distress and embarrassment to you and your family. Is an intervention enough? Especially in case where the victim hasn’t even gone to college? Are exorcisms effective long-term treatment or is there a responsibility to compassionately shoot a loved one who is clearly not the person he or she once was. (We say she because tragically rugby affects women too.)

Cognitive Limitations to The Understanding of Tom McGurk.

Details to be announced but the session, the first in our Scorn Not His Simplicity Series, includes rigorous comparative analysis with the life and works of Billo and Dessie plus detailed research findings from anthropologists who have pinpointed how and when rugby made it socially and morally permissible for presenters, panellists and commentators to simultaneously achieve orgasm while on air during rugby games.

Foam Hands and Leprechauns, the Mark of Maturity? As a nation we endured the cos ar bolg, the tyranny, the plantations and Simon Cowell for many centuries before rugby lost patience and intervened to mature us. Our epoch-making game of rugby against England in Croke Park gave a nation the chance to grow up by means of making an obscenely big deal out of treating the entire thing as absolutely no big deal, that’s correct, NO big deal whatsoever. For this we are all grateful.

Yet there are those of us in Irish society who have been left behind. We sad few who still don’t feel as grown up as everybody else are outsiders in a land where giving out about the Brits is no longer popular or profitable, a land where big green foam hands and men dressed as leprechauns is considered sophisticated.

Starting with a reading by an actual foam-handed leprechaun of Come Out Ye Gentle Black and Tans the symposium shall invite challenges to the prevailing orthodoxy.

Moderator: Oliver Cromwell.

Fourth!!!! Restoring Geographical Parameters in an Ovoid World: Our keynote speaker Vasco da Gama will present first hand and credible testimony as to the actual size of the world from people who have been there and bought keyrings. Mr da Gama will present evidence which will put into challenging perspective the news that Ireland is now fourth in the world at rugby. Many RWR members have sought advice on mannerly ways of dealing with the news that Ireland has attained such a standing and have said they no longer feel comfortable with the traditional shrug of the shoulders, the rolling of the eyes and merely asking is that fourth place counting that unfortunate Uruguayan team who had to eat each other and slipped to fifth? Cartographers will explain about the small fragment of Europe which tries to play the game and the three Southern Hemisphere countries who are actually good at it.

Advanced students with a special interest in this field are invited to an evening time colloquium, Swallowing the Heino, at which speakers and contributors will informally consider the hitherto unchallenged notion that winning the Heino makes you European champions. Convincing evidence will be heard that the The Council of Europe has 47 member states. Six of these states put teams into the Heino. Teams from three of these six countries have won the Heino. Six countries.

That means the Heino isn’t refreshing the parts that others sports reach. Champions of 8 per cent of Europe. The European weightlifting championships in Bucharest some weeks ago drew representatives from 24 countries. The European beach volleyball tour (118 million viewers last season) has reps of 20 European countries. Don’t go there with the hoops and the ice hockey.

Tectonic Plate Shifts in Global History. Did Rugby Really Make Them Happen? From the greatest ever day in Irish sport to the greatest ever recital of The Fields of Athenry. From the miracle of the maturation of an entire nation to the sweeping awfulness of Ireland's Call, from the crucifixion of Jesus to 9/11, academics and media experts now believe that in its own quiet way rugby has been the driving force of world history. Especially Irish rugby. Munster rugby. Limerick rugby.

If you’d like to hear an alternative view from a man who politely declines to adjure his nationality, who refuses to clap hands for joy at the sight of the Union Jack, and won’t place “England’s bloody red” exultingly above “the green” apply online for tickets immediately.

(Keynote speaker: T W Croke, Archbishop of Cashel)