Mary Hannigan's Planet Football

Great expectations indeed: Thank you, young John, for alerting us to the headline, right, that appeared on the FAI's website last Monday. What could it mean? That Richard and Andy are hoping to avoid deliveries of the Caesarean kind?

Bahrain dead for Robson

We half-guessed it might be an April Fool's story - except it appeared on March 29th. "Mr Robson has turned down very good offers from Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates to join our project. He is our number one choice . . . he can lead us to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing," said Iran football president Mohammad Dadgan Federation, announcing Bobby Robson had accepted the post of Iran under-23 coach.

We were puzzled, but Bobby was baffled. "I've got no idea where this story has come from and there's nothing in it," he said. "I haven't been contacted by Bahrain either. The whole thing is completely strange."

A pity. Because completely strange, very probably, is what Iranians would have made of such Bobby declarations as: "We can't replace Gary Speed - where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?"

Brian's ear miss

Such is the rather competitive nature of Gaelic football we reckon Jimmy Barry-Murphy (look under 'Cork Legends') is relieved his son Brian is spending his youth in the safety and serenity of professional football. Until last Monday, that is.

Young Barry-Murphy, now playing with Bury, had the misfortune to lose the top lobe of his left ear after a clash of heads against Chester - he played on, though, sending his team-mates back out on the pitch after the game to see if they could find the lobe. "It's a bit of a mess and he looks like he's been in the ring with Mike Tyson," said manager Graham Barrow, sensitively. Has he been ruled out for the season? Na, he played the 90 minutes against Rochdale on Saturday.

Quotes of the week

"There is one thing that annoys me: I don't like people copying my tricks. I see football as an art and all players are artists. If you are a top artist the last thing you would do is paint a picture that someone has already painted. I would never dream of looking at Ronaldinho and trying to emulate him. I would be offended if he tried to copy one of my tricks."

- Cristiano Ronaldo. We'll say nothing, especially after Saturday.

"A few bad results and they are staring down the barrel of the sack."

- Andy Townsend, the highest new entry in our metaphor-mangling hit parade.

"Everybody wants to destroy us."

- Chelsea's Mateja Kezman. He's not wrong there. They're just not making a very good job of it.

"I am not the type to make excuses. But for the free header in the first half the cross came at me straight out of the floodlights. I was waiting for it to smack me on the nose."

- Michael Owen. No excuses. Ish.

"It was six and two threes."

- Bryan Hamilton during commentary on Mexico v USA. Not to mention half a dozen of the other.

"Alex Ferguson has won just one FA Cup in the last two seasons. If I had been there, they would have won more. Without being conceited, most definitely."

- Mark Bosnich, evidently still under the influence.

"I don't want to put pressure on him, but I don't think I've ever seen anything like him."

- Alan Thompson puts pressure on Celtic team-mate Aiden McGeady.

Carlos v Michael . . .

"This man - what's his name? - the number 10, the small one who doesn't play in the Real Madrid first team, who sits on the bench every week."

- Azerbaijan supremo Carlos Alberto, searching for Michael Owen's name.

"This guy thinks he is the king, but who is Michael Owen? What has he ever won?"

- Carlos continues to gush.

"He should clean his tongue and then lick David Beckham's boots."

- Carlos warms to his topic.

"To be a footballer first you have to be a man. But he is not a man's guy."

- Carlos coos some more.

"I am happy to talk about Rooney, Beckham, Ferdinand and Lampard. But I don't want to discuss this midget any more."

- Carlos . . . cripes.

And then . . .

"I wish him the best. He is a good player. Maybe one day we will share some caviar from Azerbaijan. It is very good."

- Carlos attempts to wipe away the egg dripping down his face.

Sting in the tail for poor fans

Our sympathies go to the Zambian supporter who, according to an eyewitness quoted by Uefa.com, responded to his country going 2-0 up against DR Congo in a World Cup qualifier in Chililabombwe by "lying on his back by the pitch, waving his arms as if he was celebrating the goal". The poor divil was, in fact, "trying to deal with the pain of being stung" after a hive of bees was disturbed when a lighting pylon collapsed under the weight of spectators who had climbed it for a better view. The referee stopped play, the teams legged it, as did most of the 25,000 crowd with the swarm chasing them. There was, you could say, a fair old buzz about the place.

Jose's week

"I must admit that if Roman Abramovich helped me out in training we would be bottom of the league. And if I had to work in his world of big business we would be bankrupt."

- Well, let's hope Mourinho and Abramovich swap jobs soon.

"Being manager at Chelsea is like being a director general of a big company. What is the difference between managing Microsoft and managing John Terry and Frank Lampard?

- Well, let's hope when Jose asks John and Frank, "Where do you want to go today?" they reply: "Real Madrid."

"My idea is to work for 13 more years. I want to spend four of them with the Portuguese national team.

"When I say four, I say two, you know - the European Cup and the World Cup or just the World Cup. So, before that period of two or four years, I have 11 or nine years in front of me. In these 11 or nine years, I see me in English football, yes."

- Can anyone lend us a calculator?

"In the first show we might get him to say what he thinks about the royal wedding."

- Martim Cabral of Portuguese television channel SIC, announcing Jose's been given his own chat show. Jose on Charles and Camilla? Sublime.