Ireland’s men’s hockey team deliver divine performance after Munster test followers’ faith

RTÉ News isn’t the best at updating its on-screen schedules. Those who tuned in to watch the Irish men’s hockey team attempt to qualify for the Olympic Games would have been told they were viewing “Sunday Mass”. But as it turned out, the third place play-off was quite a religious experience, in the sense that it would have turned even an atheist to prayer.

Our commentator Tyron Barnard whipped us into a frenzy prematch. “William Ernest Henley once wrote, ‘it matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.’ And today in Valencia, both Ireland and Korea wish to captain their souls, master their fate and secure a place in Paris 2024.”

And you thought this was only a game of hockey?

What’s it they say? Give me someone who will look at you the way Tyron Barnard looks at hockey. It’s a complete love thing.

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That he pronounced Irish coach Mark Tumilty’s surname like it rhymed with humility made him all the more endearing, as did his bigging-up of Korea. “They have the experience, they have players who bought t-shirts! Who have sold t-shirts! And who have reprinted t-shirts!”

But when Ireland made it 2-0, he was swooning all over our lads. “The smiles are huge, the claps are loud, the Guinnesses are full,” he said. There might even have been a mention of yet more alcohol, but so stressful was the game, Tyron could have mentioned leprechauns mating with Irish wolfhounds and it would have passed you by.

Ireland won 4-3 in the end, co-commentator Ekki Lemmink left gasping for breath, no more than ourselves after a game that would have put years on you. Even Tyron calling Ireland the “Green Army”, when they’re just Ireland, was forgivable under the circumstances, although this needs to stop. A referendum on the matter is called for, anyone uttering this “Green Army” lark needs to be sentenced to 25 years hard labour. It’s “Ireland”. Enough.

In or around the same time, the club finals were taking place in Croke Park, supporters of O’Loughlin Gaels, St Thomas, Glen and St Brigid’s all making unnecessary journeys and taking risks on treacherous roads to cheer their lads on in the face of Storm Isha.

Both finals had the most dramatic of endings, way, way, way beyond thrilling, but the performances of the day came from the TG4 crew of Mícheál Ó Domhnaill, Pat Fleury, Liam Rushe and Naoise de Bhaldraithe when they managed to prevent their umbrellas from turning inside out during the half-time break in the hurling final. TG4′s only failure was not to have Evelyn Cusack on their panel.

The highlight of the sporting week, though, came at the Bahrain Masters when Luke Littler hit a nine-dart finish in his quarter-final against Nathan Aspinall. The boy’s a bit special. And not even the doubts of the treasure that is LBC’s Nick Abbot – “If darts is a sport, which is all about aiming, then so is going to the loo” – will diminish the achievement.

Is rugby a sport? Some would argue ‘yes’. But Munster fans might insist it’s actually a form of torture after their experience on Saturday evening.

“The game is effectively over for Northampton, they’ve a mountain to climb, it’s hard to see how Munster don’t kick on here and put these guys to the sword very quickly,” said Eddie O’Sullivan at half-time. By then, they were 15-7 up with a man advantage.

By the time they went 20-13 up, the game was done and dusted. “I wonder if Alex Moon had his breakfast this morning. In which case he’d be a full moon,” said Hugh Cahill, trying to pass the time during the non-contest. “Stick to the commentary, Hugh,” advised Donal Lenihan.

And then? The Red Machine made a complete and total hames of it. “Why do Munster continue to make life so difficult for themselves,” Donal sighed, after Northampton only bloody came back to win the game.

Eddie? “When you have your foot on a team’s throat, you have to finish them off ... they dug their own grave.” They failed to captain their souls. Their Champions Cup season thus far would turn the prayerful into atheists.