The grim reality of domestic violence: ‘I got pregnant and it was like he turned a dimmer switch’

“In the beginning, he was the perfect partner. Then I became pregnant and it was like he turned a dimmer switch. Everything began to get darker. I think he suddenly felt ‘now I own you’. He was jealous and suspicious. He made me leave my job. He shamed me on social media in my role as a mother. He stopped me from studying. He monitored my phone and my movements. Bit by bit, over the years, he crossed every personal boundary I had: mental, physical, sexual, social.”

These are the words of Kasia (not her real name), one of the many thousands of women who reached out to Women’s Aid in 2022. Our annual report, which is published on Tuesday, reveals that in just 12 months, our team had 31,229 contacts through our frontline services – an increase of 16 per cent on the previous year. We heard a staggering 33,990 disclosures of abuse – including 5,412 reports of abuse of children. Gardaí responded to a record 54,000 domestic violence calls in the same period. We also know that these figures represent just the tip of an enormous iceberg whereby so many victims and survivors like Kasia still suffer alone, in silence and without specialist support.

The stakes are high. One in four women in this country will suffer abuse from a current or former partner. Unfortunately, this statistic is not reducing. Our research shows that one in five women is subjected to abuse by the age of 25. Just over half of these young women experienced the abuse before the age of 18. Recent and terrible events have again highlighted persistent issues with misogyny and structural gender inequality, which are both cause and consequence of male violence against women. This comes into stark focus every time a woman’s life is lost because of male violence.

[ Women’s Aid records highest number of domestic abuse contacts in fifty-year history ]

The most dangerous place for women statistically is their own home

As curators of the Femicide Watch for Ireland, Women’s Aid recorded the names of a further 12 women who died in violent circumstances during 2022. Twelve women whose boundless potential has been cruelly denied; 12 families and communities devastated. And already this year, five more women have lost their lives in this country.

Just one family member can throw restrained harmony into disarray

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While we need to consider ways to prevent and target public safety for all, it remains the case that the most dangerous place for women statistically is their own home. The nightmare of violence and abuse will most commonly be at the hands of a current or former intimate male partner.

Aside from the horrific and often long-lasting impacts of abuse itself, there are so many challenges today for those subjected to domestic abuse. Family and criminal law systems that are creaking at the seams, creating lengthy, protracted and traumatising delays for women navigating both criminal and civil law systems. The housing crisis and dearth of appropriate specialist accommodation provision for survivors of abuse limits options for a safe home for many. The negative impact of inflation on family incomes, taken especially with deliberate economic abuse, exacerbate acute and frightening situations for many thousands of women and children across the country.

The Government has now completed year one of the Third National Domestic Sexual and Gender-Based Violence Strategy. For the first time ever, it has structured its strategy around the four key components that will help truly eradicate male violence against women: prevention, protection, prosecution and policy co-ordination. Progress has been made to begin improvements to the family law system, to introduce stalking and strangulation legislation and to have a law passed for statutory paid domestic violence leave for employees.

We need to promote positive and healthy masculinities and equality, and ultimately reduce that shocking number of one in four women subjected to domestic abuse for future generations

This is all excellent progress but there’s still much to be done to ensure correct implementation and enforcement of these measures. It will require focus, co-ordination and – crucially – investment from Government to see the ambitions of an excellent strategy realised.

There is, at last, an increased recognition in Irish society that domestic abuse and all forms of male violence against women are not women’s issues, but an issue for men. Indeed, the work to tackle violence against women also supports efforts to combat male violence against men. In Women’s Aid, we know that we cannot achieve zero tolerance alone. Therefore, we must be a part of a co-operative community alongside our colleagues in civil society and community organisations, and with statutory partners and survivors. But we also need the public to join the effort.

We can all, as a society, do better to call out and tackle misogyny and hold perpetrators responsible for their actions. We need to promote positive and healthy masculinities and equality, and ultimately reduce that shocking number of one in four women subjected to domestic abuse for future generations.

Now is the time to be brave and ambitious. Domestic violence is rampant, but there is real and positive momentum and motivation to build upon. Public and political awareness of domestic violence, including coercive control as an extremely harmful social problem, has never been greater. Positively, the opportunities, the will and the mechanisms to tackle this have never been more aligned. The public conversation must continue to focus on how women, and our male allies and others can actively work together to achieve gender equality, end violence and create positive and lasting change for everyone in Irish society.

Sarah Benson is chief executive of Women’s Aid