Wish you were here - wherever it is

This country has no shortage of misleading signposts, God knows. But when Tom Farrell complained in the letters page recently about a sign in Dublin's Nassau Street, which has an arrow saying "you are here" and pointing to Bachelors Walk (half a mile away), I thought he might be exaggerating. So I went to check for myself.

Sure enough, I found the sign - a tourist map of the city - and Mr Farrell is perfectly right about the arrow. He's also right about the second arrow, which directs visitors to the Dublin Tourism Office in O'Connell Street. A place the Dublin Tourism Office hasn't been since the closing years of the last century.

Nassau Street is still where it always was, however. Yet such is the authority of the "you are here" sign that only the most self-assured tourist would question it. The arrow is so big it starts in the sea off Sandymount, and slices through the south inner city, bypassing Nassau Street entirely before overshooting Trinity College, the offices of The Irish Times and the River Liffey, and plunging into the north quays.

Visitors assuming themselves to be on Bachelors Walk and following directions to the tourist office would, logically, turn left into Grafton Street, heading south, in the belief they were turning left into O'Connell Street, heading north. Ironically, this would increase their chances of finding the tourist office, which moved to the southside in 1995.

The other side of the sign, incidentally, is an up-to-date advertising space. This currently features a poster for the Wonderbra (to an untrained eye, it looks like the "variable cleavage" model), with the message "let's keep in touch". The slogan appears to be a playful pun on the inward pressure exerted, at maximum-cleavage setting, on bosoms. But I think there's a message here too for the Corporation.

Nassau Street is a favoured stopping point for US tour-group buses, and for this reason has one of the country's highest concentrations of tourist activity. Hence the shops selling woolly jumpers (Americans are required by federal law not to return from Ireland without at least one hand-knitted "sweater"); and souvenirs with ancient Irish blessings such as: "May the road rise up to meet you. Because that's the only way you'll find it, if you're following Dublin Corporation's directions."

So this must be one of the most consulted tourist maps in Ireland. By coincidence, there's an American Express outlet nearby, with a poster in the window which also features two arrows. In this case the picture is of a holiday resort and the arrows, pointing in opposite directions, are accompanied by the words "you" and "your wallet", respectively. The poster warns: "Every six minutes, an Irish outbound tourist becomes the victim of a theft." It might not be far wide of the mark to suggest that every six minutes, for the past six years, a non-Irish inbound tourist has become a victim of Dublin Corporation's map. Many's the visitor who has spent an hour trying to find O'Connell Street on the southside, before asking directions there, only to have to get more directions from O'Connell Street to the new tourist office. The traveller has already completed half the itinerary of Joyce's Ulysses when he finally reaches the office counter; where, in what will surely seem like sarcasm, he may be offered the "Discover Ireland" brochure.

Of course, the Nassau Street example is in keeping with the national approach to signs. As such, it may be a good preparation for the tourist planning to venture into the world of rural signposting - a twilight zone where confirmation that "you are here" is rarely available, and even if it is, you need to bear in mind that "here" may not be the best starting point for any attempt to get "there".

The dualistic philosophy of Irish signs - from their bilingualism to the system whereby distances are in kilometres and speed limits in miles - confuses even hardened travellers. And yet it may also be part of Ireland's lingering charm. (If so, visitors will enjoy our special New Year promotion in which, for a limited period only, they can pay in two currencies!) As travel books confirm, tourists like nothing better than a bit of bipolarity. Which is why every country in the world is described as a place where "ancient meets modern"; or where "east meets west"; or (in Ireland) where "a tourist meets himself coming in the opposite direction, having followed the street maps".

But, in conclusion, I should perhaps mention that the Nassau Street sign - the city fathers' Rough Guide to Dublin - carries the Corporation motto, "Obedientia Civium Urbis Felicitas". Which means: "Happy the city where the citizens obey." If ever there was a good case for civil disobedience, I think this may be it.

fmcnally@irish-times.ie