The Bigger PictureShalini SinhaI have been in India for the past two weeks attending my sister's wedding (in Indian culture, cousins are known to us as our brothers and sisters). It was an arranged marriage, as was my parents' and their parents' before.
It is a tradition that Western societies have many misconceptions about. And yet, this tradition has taught me much more about love, commitment and family than anything else I have seen.
When we close our hearts and minds to it, we lose the opportunity to learn something significant about life and human relationships. Opening our minds becomes easy once we remember that the arranged marriage tradition is developed and practised by human beings who share the same needs, concerns and desires as we do. Indeed, it has not been that long since it was part of Irish culture.
The first issue we need to clarify is that an arranged marriage is not a forced marriage. These are two different concepts. To me, it's an obvious point, but it is also truly the point of greatest confusion in the West. "Forced" means that two people are compelled to marry against their will. Let's face it, this occurs in every society, including the dating culture (common examples include when an unexpected pregnancy is involved or when two people have been a couple for a long time and feel socially expected to marry).
In an arranged marriage, family members are involved in finding a suitable partner for the individual, thus increasing the circle from which a partner can be found, and the group of people actively supporting the relationship.
Potential partners meet each other and, ultimately, give their consent. In this, attraction and compatibility are valued and taken into account. Most of all, the purpose of initiating the relationship is clear and to the point - to get married. Because the context is apparent, there is an opportunity to discuss and consider expectations - a step that is often missed in the dating process.
Dating does not have the same focus as an arrangement. Here, the first concern is to get the person we fancy to like us and want to hang around with us. In order to achieve this, some people engage in game-playing.
In this context, it is believed that talking about commitment and marriage, particularly early in the process, would only scare the other person away. Indeed, this has become true since the purpose of close, intimate relationships seems to have changed from ultimately making a commitment to each other. Not only has this purpose become unfocused, but it has also become somewhat short-sighted.
We all set up relationships in an attempt to meet a basic need for closeness. This is common across all cultures. What has developed within the dating culture, however, is the idea that we have relationships to "gain experience".
Thus, we try many and begin at a very young age (when commitment is neither practical nor emotionally sustainable), going from one partner to the next, hoping to learn and grow. This is meant to help us to be successful in the relationship of our final choice.
Most of what I see, however, is people getting hurt and taking those hurts into the next relationship.
Growth arises from an effort to challenge ourselves, reaching for connection and hope and so come out somewhere new and unexpected - somewhere that expands our potential, not restricts it. It requires the love and support of others. We need assistance to go to places that are the most difficult for us and emerge with greater wisdom and freedom. In the absence of such support, we tend to become more limited and rigid from our experiences - reacting to what has hurt us and avoiding that which is very difficult.
We don't learn to be successful in relationships by having lots of them. We become successful by knowing ourselves well, having confidence and belief in ourselves and being able to express ourselves.
When these things are in place, we gain the space we need to extend and receive love and strength to pull for love and connection in times of conflict and struggle. These things grow, not by experimenting with different intimate relationships, but from permanent, committed and nurturing relationships that begin in our childhood - mostly within family and some extraordinary friendships.
Every culture is dynamic, with almost as many diverse expressions occurring as people.
Thus, just because arranged marriages are a tradition, it does not mean that every marriage follows this pattern. I didn't have an arranged marriage. Neither did my aunt and uncle - parents of the bride whose marriage I just attended. Out of my 10 married brothers and sisters on my mother's side, five marriages were arranged and five of us chose our own partners. What connects us all, however, is our basic understanding of relationships. The tradition has given us a frame of mind - a context - that runs deep and allows us to succeed.
ssinha@irish-times.ie
Shalini Sinha is a life coach and Bowen practitioner in her clinic, Forward Movement.