`Handbook' short on tips, long on discipline

Alarm bells start ringing when you come across phrases like "better parenting" in literature on parenting skills.

Since Dr Spock in the 1950s there is (at least ostensibly) an underlying assumption that parents know best, that they are "good enough" - and that the most any book on parenting should aspire to is fostering confidence in the ability of the parent to do his or her job.

Practical Parenting is a new Handbook for Irish Parents by Anne Marie Lee. "This book hasn't got all the answers," she writes in the introduction, "but it will give you a good start on the way to better parenting." It's hard to read something like that and wonder whether you haven't been getting it all wrong thus far. And given that the introduction should set the tone for the book, this doesn't bode well from the get-go.

Although chapter 1 refers to the importance of treating children with respect, and advises parents to "gain the co-operation of the child" without causing any humiliation, there seems to be a strong emphasis on negative behaviour throughout the book. A sense that our mission is finding ways to control children pervades; the idea of giving them the opportunity to blossom sort of slips by in passing. In fact there are seven chapters dealing specifically with discipline, from tantrums to stealing. One chapter, on the importance of manipulative behaviour, gives an unusual justification for manipulation of children. `It can be abusive when it is unfairly used," the author admits. However "the skill of manipulative behaviour can be very good when fairly and conscientiously used, for example, when there is a need to correct or chastise children for bad behaviour, instead of beating them physically you use manipulation to get them to co-operate."

Suddenly those alarm bells burst into a cacophony of dread. Where has all that initial insistence on respect for the child gone? Surely to respect a child is to respect his or her innocence and trust? And being manipulative, no matter how skilful, is taking advantage of these essentially wonderful childhood qualities? Manipulation is wrong when it reduces or ignores the freedom of choice of its victims, says Lee. Parents reading this book are expected to know how to distinguish between using manipulation conscientiously (good) and when it inhibits freedom (bad). A couple of concrete examples would be useful here. But despite the title of the book, there is a general dearth of practical tips. For example, Lee suggests that the beginning of effective parenting involves setting up a routine for baby at a very early stage. Eh, how? Something a bit more specific would help.

The book is not devoid of specific examples and there are, of course, some interesting and useful bits of information throughout. Parents are advised to praise and encourage their children, and to facilitate their expression of creativity through play.

However, the book overall lacks any sense of the joy and warmth of being a parent. Visually it is very dull, which will certainly put it at a disadvantage in today's market, and a bit of humour, so essential to the challenges of parenting, is sorely lacking.

Practical Parenting: A Handbook for Irish Parents is published by the Columba Press and costs £5.99.