‘We’ve been married for 32 years but I found gay pornography on my husband’s phone’

Dear Roe,

I found gay pornography on my husband’s phone. We’ve been married for 32 years and have three adult children. Do I turn a blind eye to it for the sake of my kids or do I challenge him on it? Do I ask him if he is gay and help him come to terms with it or pretend that I didn’t see anything?

I understand that you are confused and anxious about this, but I urge you not to let your thoughts spiral to the point where you are needlessly invalidating your whole marriage or emotionally preparing for its end.

You found pornography on your husband’s phone that featured (I’m presuming) two or more men engaging in sexual activity with each other. That is all the information you have, that is all you know, and frankly, that doesn’t necessarily mean much.

This is a gooey plate of deliciousness to warm the cockles

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Why I love... dog walking

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‘My partner has a hateful secret online life’

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Our current cultural conditioning refuses to allow men any sexual fluidity, curiosity or fantasy when it comes to other men, and this is a tired and hypocritical limitation.

Women are not only allowed some sexual fluidity, it is often encouraged – think of all the pop culture jokes around women “going lesbian for a term in college”, having lingerie-clad pillow fights during sleepovers, or the ubiquity of young women dancing provocatively with each other or even kissing on nights out. These behaviours are socially allowed within a framework of female heterosexuality. And though some of the reasons behind can be eye-rolling in their predictability – sexual interactions between straight women appeal to some stereotypical male desires without actually threatening men through exclusion – they do mean that women are offered a certain level of leeway when it comes to enjoying the beauty and/or sex appeal of other women, in a way that men are not.

So when a straight woman watches some pornography featuring only women, it’s often deemed to be a normal, acceptable and even exciting part of her sexuality. But if a man watches pornography featuring only men, it’s immediately assumed that he is gay.

This is not necessarily the case.

Pornography does not define an orientation, and most people don’t exclusively watch pornography only featuring people of their preferred gender. If that were true, we’d have to assume that anyone who has watched pornography featuring a man and a woman is bisexual, not straight, because they were enjoying the images of both men and women. But we don’t. So why are we placing these rigid limits on men?

Multiple studies have shown that men's sexuality is far more fluid than we assume. A 2007 study by Meredith Chivers showed that 51 per cent of college-aged men reported having at least one same-sex attraction or fantasy in their lifetime. A 2017 study of 821 men, published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, found that approximately 20 per cent of self-identified heterosexual men said they watch gay male pornography, while 55 per cent of gay men said they watch heterosexual pornography.

These rates of men who have watched pornography featuring men or have even fantasised about men makes sense, because again, pornography does not define an orientation. It doesn't even define our real-life desires. Pornography is a fantasy – and not necessarily one we always want to act on. Often the appeal of pornography is that it can be radically different from the sex we have in real life. Ask any woman who enjoyed the Fifty Shades of Grey books and movies, but doesn't actually want an abusive relationship - sometimes the fact that it isn't real is the only reason it's sexy.

Your husband could have been watching gay pornography out of curiosity, boredom, or because he finds some aspect of it sexy, in the same way straight women can find some aspects of lesbian pornography sexy. Maybe it’s the acts involved, or attractive male bodies, or simply because it’s taboo.

Or he could be bisexual, which still doesn’t change the validity and importance of your marriage.

Only your husband can truly know his experience of his sexuality

He has chosen to spend his life with you. He has three adult children with you. You don’t mention your current sex life, or if he still makes you feel attractive, or if you have any other reason beyond the pornography to suspect that he is gay – and I suspect if any other evidence existed, you would currently be over-analysing it and would have mentioned it.

If you feel like you need to speak with him about this to alleviate some of your anxiety, you can ask him – but bear in mind that the stigma and assumptions around men and their sexuality may cause him to become defensive and shut down. So keep in mind all the various reasons people watch all kinds of pornography, and ask with an open mind and trust in his answer. Think of this as a conversation, not a confrontation. Because this is offering you a chance to have an open conversation with your husband about desire, fantasy, pornography, your sex life – so embrace that.

Tell him that you found the pornography and were surprised – surprised, not shocked. Ask him if he would be open to talking about this with you, and that you welcome the opportunity to not just understand him a bit more, but to open up a dialogue that might be illuminating for both of you.

Then listen to his answer. Only he can truly know his experience of his sexuality, so stop tormenting yourself trying to figure it out based on a single ambiguous clue, and ask.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe