Readers on smartphones: ‘We have a written contract with our child and it’s comprehensive’

As part of a weeklong series about screentime, we asked readers about their views of smartphones. When should a child be allowed their own phone? Do they believe they spend too much time scrolling aimlessly on their smartphone? What advice do they have for others – particularly parents – who may be struggling with when to allow their child to have a mobile phone, and how to control access to it when they do.

Here is a small selection of the responses. Thank you to everyone who sent in their views.

Don’t engage

“My brother has two grandkids. They stay with him two days a week and spend most of their time on their tablets. They are intelligent and courteous kids, five and 10 years old, but whenever they are there they don’t engage in any greeting or normal conversation with me. I’ve tried having a conversation with them, but they seem incapable of responding.” – Anton

QR codes

“For my final year of college I switched to a Nokia, but one of the slightly newer ones that have WhatsApp and Google Maps if I’m stuck. The phone is so small and clunky I really do need to be stuck to use it. It really benefited my college study as I have a bit of an addictive personality. I switched back to mostly cash, too, as I just found that we are relying far too much on smartphones for our daily lives. My pet peeve is restaurants having their menus as QR codes, but I think I speak for everyone when I say everybody hates them.” – Daniel

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Junior cycle

“I have three small children, and one of the things I am most concerned about in their future is the introduction of smartphones. Our local primary school has signed up to a no-smartphone policy, which I am delighted about, but I would love to see secondary schools adopting a similar policy for kids in junior cycle. I think it’s up to parents and educators to try to keep Pandora [from opening] the box for a few years longer, just so they are better equipped to handle the pressures and addictive nature of social media. I imagine it’s almost impossible for individual parents to hold off for that long if all the children’s friends have phones. It has to be a ‘universal’ rule for their peers. Would secondary schools and PAs consider introducing this much-needed policy?” – Laura

Serious distraction

“I believe phones are a serious distraction to learning. They should not be allowed in primary school, and in postprimary only under teacher supervision. Students are much more focused when the phone is in their locker. Ideally, children should not have a smartphone until they are 12 years old or going to second level.” – Ciaran

[ How parents can balance their smartphone use with family time ]

‘Grow a pair’

“To those parents who say that ‘all of their friends have/do ... whatever’ please refer to the maxim ‘Grow a pair’! Smartphones are a source of distraction, addiction, time-wasting and occasionally bullying and/or exposure to age-inappropriate content. The original rationale for giving mobile phones was to facilitate contact with parents in case of emergencies, change of plans and so on. Phones are now full-blown entertainment, social contact and exploration of the internet. If even we adults (hopefully with fully developed brains) have difficulty putting down our phones, we can only imagine the effect on children’s developing brains.

“In all cases/ages: 1. Parents should make it clear that the contents of their children’s phones will be accessible to, and checked regularly by, their parents; 2. Phones go on a shelf in the kitchen when children get home and stay there until the following morning unless specifically needed; 3. Under no circumstances should phones be allowed in bedrooms – growing children need their sleep.

“Yes, parenting is hard and none of us do it perfectly and it is hard to be ‘hated’ by our child from time to time but we have to put them first and model that resisting following the crowd is a valuable skill. When everyone else is turning right – don’t be afraid to turn left.” – Mary

Texts and calls

“I’m a secondary schoolteacher and you can see the negative impact screens have on students. No child should have access to a smartphone until at least 16. Once a child is 12 they should have a regular mobile for texts and calls. It’s all they need. No TVs in bedrooms either.” – Conor

Written contract

“I held a hard line that there would be no mobile phone until after primary school. He was putting pressure on us over the course of sixth class, but I’m really glad I held out for the year. He really values it now as he knows it’s a big step forward, and it didn’t come readily. I had planned to hold out till September, when he starts first year, but right before the end of sixth class, he and his pals had a worrying encounter with other lads who tried to start a fight, so we decided he should have one for the summer holidays.

“We took advice from someone else who had written a ‘contract’ with their kiddo. We did the same and it was comprehensive. We made sure he understands that his phone is a privilege, not a right, and privileges can be revoked (he’s already lost the phone for the odd day or two and has learned the lesson well now). That worked really well, and he knows he can’t argue if I ask to see his phone or ask how he’s using it.” – Jenny

Restrict screentime

“Both my children got their first mobile aged 11. They were cycling 2.5km to school on their own everyday, so for us it was a tool (they could call us and we could see their location). We have an app on their phones that restricts screentime to one hour per day, does not allow them to download any apps without permission, does not allow them to view any content rated above their age, and we can shut their phone off at any time. – Conor

[ The best parental control apps to keep your children safe and monitor their smartphone use ]

Childhood freedom

“If I could make it law, I would say not until they were an adult at 18. There’s such a lack of childhood freedom that comes with getting a phone, despite the opposite idea being pedalled. I think our generation of parents are more concerned with competition than parenting, and we give in far too easily. I’m including myself in this, by the way. Most parents I know wish their kids didn’t have phones and yet we all buy them for them. It would be a great help and very easy for schools to say no smartphones anywhere near schools. That would also help to facilitate a conversation among parents and empower them.” – Niamh

Regulating access

“Consumption of social media and other information, via smartphone use, should be considered in a similar way to the consumption of addictive substances. There is a strong, growing evidence base around the negative impact of smartphone and social media use on brain development and health. This, coupled with Ireland’s chronic under-resourcing of child mental health services, means Government needs to give serious consideration as to how it can help parents and children to manage technology use and impacts. Deferring smartphone ownership can only happen with a majority of parents on board. Presently, parents are reliant on voluntary pacts within school communities to limit smartphone ownership and/or usage. These pacts are typically focused on children under 12. For any parent with a child over 12 years of age, it is nearly impossible to avoid giving a child a smartphone, which serves as a key channel for social engagement with their peers. A key concern for me, as a parent, is that during my children’s formative adolescent years, they are likely to be hit by a barrage of social media imagery, inappropriate content, and potentially unhealthy online interaction with their peers. At present, parents are being left on their own to manage this issue. My view is government should be looking at regulating access to smartphone and social media for children up to 17 years of age. Ireland has an important opportunity to lead in this space – I am certain other countries would quickly follow suit.” – Katie

Worst inventions

“I feel strongly that smartphones have ruined so much of life and are without a doubt one of the absolute worst inventions ever if one conducts a cost-benefit analysis. They have negatively affected relationships, community, attention spans, etc. I refuse to ever own one and merely use a flip phone for when I absolutely have to make/receive texts or phone calls. When I need to access the internet, it is done so mindfully when I sit down to use my laptop. I truly detest smartphones and how they have severely and negatively affected society as a whole as well as individuals’ mental health.” – Rachael

Open discussion

“When your child receives their own phone depends not just on a child’s age, but also on his/her maturity and family circumstances. I have four boys – 16, 14, 12 and 10. The older two got smartphones heading into secondary school for the very simple reason that I didn’t want either to stand out for being the only lad in his class without a phone. This is the reality – without a phone you are different. That said, I installed Family Link on them. My third son was treated slightly differently, because he had a different personality, and also because our family situation had changed. He was a more social child and also I wanted encourage contact with his dad, who no longer shared the family home. In sixth class he was given a third hand Nokia Flip Phone – it could do WhatsApp but almost nothing else. It also meant that at sporting events he could contact me personally if training or a match ended early etc, rather than asking a coach to do it for him. This fostered a developing sense of independence. Now, going into secondary school, he has just received his own smartphone – with Family Link installed. My youngest child is going into fifth class and has ‘inherited’ the old Nokia Flip Phone. It just seemed logical to ‘pass it on’. The nagging for a phone has stopped, and I am surprised by how much he loves ringing and texting me, sometimes just to say hello, or to ask how I’m doing, or to remind me to get milk. It also means that he is not the odd one out – the only one in the family with no phone. There is no ‘right time’ to get a mobile phone – but the start of secondary school would seem a reasonable time for a child to receive his/her own smartphone. The important thing is to foster responsible use of smartphones by open discussion and constant monitoring until the teen can use the phone responsibly.” – Sarah