A little of what you fancy

The sexual needs of older people have long been treated as taboo. But should sex be only for the young, asks Róisín Ingle

"I am a 66-year-old widow from Dublin. I don't really want a relationship, but I do want sex. I have no qualms about being with a man purely for sex without any emotional attachment on a one-night- only basis.

"In an ideal world there would be places for people like me to go to satisfy this sexual need. Having sex makes me feel young and real as opposed to old and obsolete.

"The scenario I envisage would be a club-like atmosphere with a number of men who were pleasant to look at and available at a reasonable price for a couple of hours of sex.

"I could choose which one I wanted. It would be like going to have a massage somewhere, only there would be a more satisfactory outcome.

"Having a massage makes me feel good, and part of that is just having someone lay hands on you. I would be very happy to pay a reasonable price for this, and if it were socially acceptable and not clandestine that would be all the better.

"If young, beautiful prostitutes can bring themselves to satisfy old men, then surely my idea is possible. Even though an older woman's body might not be a wonderful sight, surely there would be some oversexed young men willing to assist her in feeling she is still a sexual being.

"Many couples who are lucky enough to still have each other in their old age maintain a healthy sex life well into their late 70s. Those of us who are on our own should be encouraged to pleasure ourselves and others should we feel the need or desire to do so."

Don't watch The Mother with your mother. This is sound advice for anyone intrigued by a new film about a 65-year-old widow who embarks on a sexual relationship with a handsome man 30 years her junior. It's beautifully acted and thought-provoking, challenging common perceptions about older women and sex, but bring your mum along to the cinema and you might find yourself squirming in your seat during the more explicit scenes.

"Mothers are not supposed to be sexual beings. They are not supposed to have any sexual feelings at all," says Kate, a Dublin woman who has been widowed for seven years. "Sons especially don't like to see their mothers in that way. On occasions when a man has called to my door, my son wasn't too happy about it. So I teased him, saying: 'It's my time now, son. Don't ask me what time I will be back.' "

In fact, like many widows of her generation, Kate has not had a sexual relationship since her husband died, but she says this is only because she has not met a man she felt sufficiently attracted to. "If somebody came along who I liked I would be open to a sexual relationship, but only if he wasn't a ninny," she says.

She believes older women can express and experience their sexuality in different ways. "Late one evening I was walking on the beach, the sun was setting and there was a couple in a lovely embrace. It was really beautiful, sexual and spiritual," she says.

"Another time I was standing in the railway station, and I saw a young woman dressed up for a wedding. My impulse was to go over and tell her she was beautiful. So I did. There is a lot of sexuality in beauty."

According to Paul Murray of Age Action Ireland, there is a reluctance to accept that older people have sexual feelings and that sexuality is not the preserve of young, beautiful people. "This angers people in their final decades," he says. "Few nursing homes facilitate the sexual desires of their residents, while medics can be dismissive of older people's sexual needs. Society generally forgets that sexuality extends long beyond that first fine careless rapture and that within certain boundaries older people are entitled to a consensual sexual life with younger people."

In an effort to challenge stereotypes and encourage health professionals to take more interest in the sexual needs of older people in their care, the Southern Health Board held a conference earlier this year. The resulting report from the board's Health Promotion Unit said that maintaining sexuality in its many forms should be encouraged to promote health and well-being in older people.

"The stereotype of sexless old people is so firmly ingrained in the minds of many young, middle-aged and even older people that they are often shocked to learn that sexual desires and emotions do not end with advancing years," it concluded. "Older people can be and many continue to be sexually active. Attitudes must change and education must increase if society is going to fully accept sexuality in later life. The sexual-health needs of older people must be adequately addressed if the care provided is genuinely holistic."

Mamo McDonald, a 75-year-old member of the Older Women's Network, spoke at the conference about her visits to China and Spain, where older couples are given double nursing-home rooms as a matter of course.

"The conference was very positive," she says. "Here is one health board that is now acknowledging that people are sexual beings no matter how old they are, that being sexual is part of everyone and that there should be rights to go along with that."

She found it encouraging that health professionals were trying to learn how to deal more sensitively with older people and their sexual needs. "Where the relationship remains solid, sexual intercourse can continue right into very old age. Having said that, where the relationship isn't so great people seem happy to throw it overboard."

McDonald, who has 11 children and 27 grandchildren, was widowed when she was 49. She says she has "closed the doors" on the sexual side of her life but remains as passionate as ever. "Whatever I do in life I do it with enthusiasm, and that hasn't waned," she says.

In Mary O'Conor's book Sexual Healing: A Resource Book For A Healthy And Happy Sex Life, the sexual therapist discusses the ways older couples can find a kind of liberation in later years because their children have left home, they have more privacy and, of course, no longer fear pregnancy. Menopause and ageing need not be roadblocks to sexuality, she points out, "merely a detour on a life-long journey".

Many older people are happy to turn their backs on the sexual side of life. "I couldn't see myself going off and having a sexual relationship," says Vera, a 75-year-old widow from Dublin. "None of my friends really discuss it; maybe we are beyond all that sort of thing."

She recently heard of an 81-year-old woman marrying a man the same age. "We thought, does she want her head examined? You wouldn't be bothered with it, really. We are too busy rushing here and there to have the time."

For other women, though, sex is a vital part of life, whether they are as glamorous as Joan Collins or as ordinary as May, the protagonist of The Mother. "I thought nobody would touch me again apart from the undertaker," she remarks to her young lover at one point. Her story is further complicated by the fact that the man she is sleeping with is married and having an affair with her own unsuspecting daughter, but the issues thrown up by the film are still relevant.

Jane Juska, a retired American teacher, was 66 when, four years ago, she put an ad in the New York Review of Books looking for "a lot of sex with a man I like". "How do I get undressed in front of a man?" asks Juska, who has written a book about her subsequent sexual adventures. And the answer? "Fast."

It may be hard for younger people to acknowledge the sexual needs of older people - does anybody like to think about their parents having sex? - but Moira, a 66-year-old widow from Dublin, says some older women will inevitably continue to feel desire, whether or not they are in relationships.

"Society does not expect a woman to wake up on her 60th birthday to find herself unable to appreciate fine wine and good food," she says. "So why should anyone expect her to suddenly stop desiring one of the greatest pleasures available just because she grows older?"

• The Mother is on limited release