Tony makes space, Ted makes the running

THE negotiations might be lengthy, perhaps a little heated at times, but once Alex Ferguson deposits £20 million or so in the RTE Horse Racing Department's account Tony Sweeney will be on his way to Old Trafford.

Opening day of next season, stroll down the tunnel collar up, chest out and wearing "7-1" on his back. "Ooh, aah, Tony Sweeney, ooh, aah, Tony Sweeney ... we'll drink a drink, a drink to Tony the king, the king, the king, he's the leader of our football team," the crowd will sing.

Tony's new career was born last Thursday when he was spotted, by an Old Trafford scout giving us the latest odds from the betting, ring at the Punchestown Festival.

"Find us someone with a bit of composure, someone who keeps their head when all about them are running around like headless chickens, someone who has a sunny disposition, someone who can cope with man-to-man marking, someone who'll take their, bloody chances," Ferguson instructed his scout before he set off on his mission.

His mission took him to Punchestown, and there was Tony, in the betting ring, displaying all the qualities that Ferguson craves in a striker. Hassled, harried, put-upon, but, through it all, composure in abundance. The ability to deliver the goods despite the attention of over-zealous man-to-man markers.

Time and again, when presenter Robert Hall passed to the betting ring to get the latest news, Tony was unmarked, having found a little room on the wing. But no sooner had he collected Robert's pass than the hordes of man-markers, previously seen in the Late Late Show audience, arrived.

They were, on the whole, inebriated man-markers, including the man with the dyed orange hair who hung over Tony's shoulder, as he gave us the latest news, and grinned into the camera. As Tony tried to hold on to his walkie-talkie and clip-board, containing all the latest prices, he was jostled and pushed and shoved and elbowed by a crowd who waved, gave the thumbs up, winked and stuck their tongues out at those us sitting in our living rooms.

Occasionally our man's reports from the ring weren't accompanied by pictures, at all, after the camera operator failed to locate him buried under a sea of "Hello Mum" banners. But he'd re-emerge every time, smiling, with the ball at his feet, unfazed by it all, displaying levels of composure that Andy Cole can only dream of.

A potential strike partner for Tony is Ted Walsh, whose divilment and creativity could trouble any defence. They trouble Robert Hall's defences at times, leaving him wearing a "I can't believe you just said that, Ted," expression during most of these race meetings.

Last week Robert began introducing the runners and riders for the Stanley Cooker Champion Novice Hurdle, when Ted reminded him of the night they had a right good feed out of one of these very cookers.

"You know all about Stanley Cookers, Robert, you have one over in the kitchen," revealed Ted. "Yes you saw it a couple of nights ago," replied a slightly mortified Robert. "Well it cooks well, the grub was good off it," said Ted. "Yes they're pretty good." "Was that horse meat or chicken you gave us the other night," asked Ted. Robert didn't answer and got on with the runners and riders for the now sponsorless Champion Novice Hurdle.

Wonder how Ted would have coped with a football career under the management of Brian Clough? Might there have been a personality clash? "Play us on the wing Cloughie and I'll give you a right good gallop," Ted might have said. "Young man - don't tell me how to do my job," Cloughie might well have replied.

His gaunt and frail appearance probably shocked more than a few viewers of Football Focus on Saturday, but Clough was in vintage form as he gave his views on some of the characters in today's game.

Glenn Hoddle? "Young Hoddle, highly talented young man on the field ... but people are fools who feel that when they take their boots off they then can become managers, it's a different game." (A ringing endorsement for Glenn then?) Paul Gascoigne? "He should have been sent off before he even got on the pitch (in 1991 FA Cup final against Forest,). I think it's talent wasted and I don't think the image he gives the game is good."

Forest under Bassett and Pearce? "At Nottingham at the moment the spectators only see 45 of 90 minutes, because the other 45 minutes the ball is in the clouds, up in the air, and football isn't designed for that."

The job he wanted most? "I should have had the England job. The Football Association didn't give it to me, not because I wasn't good enough, because I was. They didn't give it to me because they were worried that I was going to take over the FA, which I was.

Back in the studio, former Forest player Lee Chapman reminisced about life under Clough. "His management style is of a bygone age, it wouldn't work any more with the superstars of today and the kind of money they're earning - they'd just walk away. He used to wait for me as I was coming out of the toilet - and I was 29, married with two kids and a big mortgage and he'd ask me if I'd washed my hands. He wouldn't get away with that now.

Ronnie O'Sullivan could probably do with a manager like Clough, just to keep him on the straight and narrow. Mind you, he didn't need much help on Monday. His 147? Missed it. Went out to the kitchen to boil an egg, just as the frame was starting, and, after buttering a couple of soldiers, returned to see a snooker table empty of balls, Ronnie grinning from ear to ear with 147 written beside his name on the screen.

Five minutes, 20 seconds. You think he would have waited. When Cliff Thorburn got his 147 in 1983 there was time for a 27-course meal. Two-and-a-half minutes it took Darren Morgan to play one shot in the course of Saturday's match against Ronnie

"That's me and that's the way it goes," said Ronnie to David Vine after losing to Morgan while his conqueror grumbled about not getting the credit he deserves for being such an ace player. Ronnie loses quickly, Darren wins slowly - given a choice, most people prefer quick snooker losers.