Team bonding gets out of hand

Planet Football: A friend of Planet Football, whom we will call Mustang Sally, was left wondering quite what our under-19 women's team was getting up to in Serbia and Montenegro, where it was competing in a qualifying tournament for the European Championships.

After the Irish lost 1-0 to the hosts our pal spotted this headline on Aertel: "Ireland Under-19s Suffer S&M Agony"

End of GAA as we know it

"So what's the feeling in Ireland on the FAI's decision to open its doors at Croke Park to international soccer and rugby matches?"

- Alan Brazil on Talksport with finger on pulse as usual (as the folk at dangerhere.com put it).

Quotes of the week

"I will survive - and so will Manchester United."

- Alex Ferguson - he's got all his life to live, all his love to give, he will survive, he will survive, hey hey.

"It was entertaining - like it is watching Russian roulette."

- Johnny Giles, almost speechless after watching the defending in the Southampton v Norwich game.

"Apart from him peeing in the street and a visit to the police station, he has been spot-on for me."

- Graeme Souness, impressed by the improvement in Kieron Dyer's off-the-field form.

"Do the club and the fans acknowledge I started the big change of Chelsea? I think very much so."

- Ruud Gullit, still struggling with self-esteem issues after all these years.

"If people come to your window and talk to your wife every night you can't accept it without asking what is happening."

- Arsene Wenger, after spotting Jose Mourinho having a chat with Ashley Cole in his pyjamas.

Zidane caught in the act

It's rare enough these days that players get away with on-the-field, off-the-ball naughtiness, with so many cameras filming games. Quique Alvarez and Zinedine Zidane were particularly unlucky, though, when they squared up during the recent game between Villarreal and Real Madrid. Both received red cards after the fight but if they intended appealing against their dismissals, on the off-chance that the usual cameras present didn't quite capture all of the action, well - Zidane's every move was being followed by 15 extra cameras, owned by a film crew making a documentary on him. Hate that.

More quotes of the week

"When you look to others for favours you get shat on."

- Reading manager Steve Coppell, as heard by dangerhere.com, enjoying the excitement of the chase for play-off places.

"He told (Craig) Bellamy he would knock his block off if he ever set foot back in Newcastle."

- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd revealing the nature of Alan Shearer's text response to Bellamy's recent tirade. Shea-raaaaah!

"My life is a nightmare."

- Chelsea striker Mateja Kezman, not overly chirpy about spending half his life propped on a bench.

"Our game against Manchester United is the best cup final people could have hoped for. I really believe these are the two best footballing teams in the country."

- Patrick Vieira. Miaow.

"A lot of people, including other managers, reckoned Palace getting into the Premiership was a miracle. But keeping us there would rank alongside the Second Coming."

- Crystal Palace supremo Iain Dowie. Hallelujah!

Neighbourhood watch a riot

"Put up stiff resistance to the riot police and get a free ticket and a drink as reward," read the recent ad posted by Go Ahead Eagles, the Dutch first division club. Eh? Fear not, they were only looking for volunteers to turn up at a training session for the local riot police.

Many did. And their performances were so authentic the police struggled to get them to leave the stadium, had to charge at them outside when they became unruly, and had to arrest a couple of them after rocks and sundry missiles were thrown. Betcha they still looked for their free ticket and drink too.

Souness sweeps away doubts

Word from Newcastle is that the club is somewhat alarmed by the slowness of so many of its disillusioned supporters to renew season tickets for next season. But we're not, of course, alleging there is any connection between this state of affairs and this statement by Graeme Souness last week: "I think the fans should be extremely optimistic because the type of players we are talking about bringing here - along with the existing good players - means that, with a fair wind, we can have a very exciting season next year. If I as a season-ticket holder - knowing the things I know and knowing the kind of players we are targeting - I would do it (renew) sooner rather than later."

Cue the arrival of another Nicky Butt and James Milner? Probably.

Even more quotes of the week

"It was a good initiative. It is important to us to feel that our fans are backing us, and this was obvious proof that they do."

- Nicolai Stokholm, captain of Danish side Odense BK, grateful after fans brought a stripper to team training, just to raise the strugglers' spirits.

"Chelsea will get into the (Champions League) final - and that is for certain."

- Ricardo Carvalho. You can sense it, can't you? AC Milan v Liverpool.

"I like to live my life away from the spotlight. I don't think I live a celebrity lifestyle. I was mucking out on Thursday and had to empty a trailer of s*** into a field. If that's a celebrity lifestyle . . ."

- Stuart Pearce, trying to keep out of the path of Hello! photographers.

"You can only admire Wenger, he has made Arsenal one of the biggest teams in Europe . . . I have three years left on my contract and I believe given the chance, we could achieve the same."

- Spurs boss Martin Jol. He's a hoot.

"We want to turn the world Blue!"

- Chelsea head honcho Peter Kenyon. You already have, Peter, but not quite in the way you intended.

Bad omens for Oomens

Strange injuries, part 4,398: Rob Oomens celebrated his debut for Dutch side Willem by cleaning his goldfish bowl. But he dropped it, it smashed, a shard of glass lodged in his arm, and he needed four hours of surgery to repair tendons. Prognosis? He'll be out for seven months.