PlanetFootball compiled by Mary Hannigan

A sure-fire winner in Chile:

Granted, it can be frustrating conceding a late goal in a game but we still felt the La Gonzalina player's reaction to El Rulo's 90th-minute winner for Bandera in a rather fiery Chilean amateur match was a touch over the top: he pulled a revolver out of his shorts and shot the celebrating forward. Three times.

Mercifully, the would-be assassin had all the accuracy of a Diego Forlan or Emile Heskey, missing with two shots and "only" hitting El Rulo's shoulder with the third. The victim was taken to hospital, the shooter fled, but the police say they are confident of catching him because they "know his identity". Well, in truth, you'd hardly need to be Hercule Poirot to glance at the La Gonzalina players left on the pitch, look at the team-sheet, and then figure out who's missing.

One question remains, though: how did the culprit run about for 89 minutes with a gun stuffed down his shorts?

The Duff end of mama's loving

We know Damien Duff is bored with people talking about his sleeping habits but we reckon he'll soon tire of hearing just how infatuated Claudio Ranieri's 85-year-old mother Renata is with him, no matter how flattering her ardour might be.

"I like to see what Claudio has been up to and who he has picked for the team," she said last week. "I keep telling him he should play Damien Duff, he's my favourite player and I think one of Chelsea's best. Claudio's a good son, but sometimes he doesn't listen to his mama and so I have to tell him off, especially when Duff doesn't play. He should always be in the squad if he is fit and able to play."

In the event of Duff being left on the bench in upcoming Irish games Brian Kerr should be warned: he'll have Mama Renata on his case. And you know what they say about Italian mothers: petrifying.

Quotes of the week

"Gary Doherty and Anthony Gardner were fantastic - I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other."

- Spurs manager David Pleat on the blossoming relationship between his two central defenders.

"If we'd not scored that second goal the score might have been different."

- Pleat again, commenting on Spurs's 2-1 win over Liverpool. The man, clearly, is a genius.

"He's normally the one who looks for the big bender."

- Ron Atkinson, talking about Thierry Henry's curly-wurly free-kick against Aston Villa. We hope.

"You are talking about a man who spelt his name wrongly on his transfer request."

- West Brom manager Gary Megson, suggesting that his want-away striker Jason Roberts is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

"It is a strange decision, but then he is a strange person."

- Southampton's Gordon Strachan on Chris Marsden's decision to join South Korea's Busan Icons.

Jardel sets off on wrong foot

Our "Blushing Cheeks of the Week" award goes to Mario Jardel who has joined Italian side Ancona on loan from Bolton. He was introduced to the press before his debut against Perugia, and then went on to the pitch to greet the fans.

He was a touch perplexed as to why he was receiving such a hostile greeting when manager Gianluca Petracchi informed him that he was waving and blowing kisses to the Perugia supporters.

It's all in the name

Cookstown resident and Barcelona native Nuria Sanchez was minding her own business last week when she received a phone call from the Belfast Telegraph asking her to comment on Lawrie Sanchez's appointment as Northern Ireland manager.

Nuria, a former fish farm employee who is now production co-ordinator for Potato Pleasures, was told that she is the only Sanchez listed in the 2003 version of the phone book for Northern Ireland, hence the request for an opinion on her namesake's appointment, despite her having zilch interest in football.

"It is very interesting that another Sanchez has been given such an important job," she lied. And that was that. At which point, we suspect, the reporter concluded: "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

Dead men walking

December 24th:

"Louis Saha will be leaving this club over my dead body."

- Fulham manager Chris Coleman, tempting fate.

January 22nd:

"Louis Saha is gone, he's got nothing to do with me anymore."

- Fulham manager Chris Coleman, nervously checking his pulse.

January 25th:

"Over my dead body will my son go to Chelsea."

- Hans Robben, father of PSV Eindhoven striker Arjen.

Some time soon:

"Would you prefer cremation or burial, Hans?"

- Roman Abramovich.

More quotes of the week

"There's only one manager of Newcastle - and I think that's me."

- Bobby Robson, sounding not entirely sure.

"I am Welsh and people shout 'sheep' at me, that sort of thing."

- Aston Villa's Mark Delaney on being confused with a ram.

"Last season was dark times for Swansea City, but now with Lee Trundle they can see some light at the end of the rainbow."

- Match of the Day's Ian Walsh, as heard by Private Eye.

"I have three priorities - one to score, two to win a game and three to improve our world ranking (124th)."

- Lawrie Sanchez on his ambitious plans for Northern Ireland. Steady, Lawrie.

"We feel very, very hard done by. No, make that very, very, very, very hard done by."

- David O'Leary, still very, very, very, very angry about the referee's performance in Aston Villa's defeat by Arsenal.

Terry ruins trip of a lifetime

Having read about the Sun's generous offer to Scarborough's Leigh Walker we watched their FA Cup game against Chelsea with particular interest. The paper offered the goalkeeper a "bigger and better" holiday for every 15 minutes he shut Chelsea out.

If he kept a clean sheet until the 76th minute he would be rewarded with a week in Mexico (four-star hotel); the 61st minute would earn him five days in the Cote d'Azur (four-star hotel with a helicopter transfer); the 46th minute would yield him four days in Majorca (four-star hotel with boat hire); the 31st minute three days in Prague (four-star hotel with a Cadillac transfer); the 16th minute would win him three days in Barcelona (four-star hotel with a Mercedes transfer).

So, when he conceded a goal to John Terry in the 10th minute what did Walker win? A weekend in London in a three-star hotel. Tremendous.