Moscow police stuck between Red Devils and Deep Blue C

The TV pundits' views on Chelsea v Liverpool

THAT MOSCOW police chief looked a bit grim-faced on Sky News yesterday afternoon. We couldn't actually hear what he was saying, primarily because the sound was turned down and we couldn't find the remote control (later found, naturally enough, in the fridge - the Hellmann's mayonnaise was beside the telly), but he had an Avram Grant-ish look about him.

You know that less-thanexuberant expression? David Feherty famously described it as a face "like a bulldog licking p*** off a nettle".

He was, of course, talking about Colin Montgomerie, not the Moscow police chief or Avram Grant, but that image will do nicely in this context.

"MOSCOW'S WORST NIGHTMARE" some, rather harshly, have said - always in capital letters - of this all-English Champions League final. The Moscow police chief appeared to confirm that, yes, an all-Blighty affair would mean he'd have to deploy more men than saw action in the Battle of Stalingrad, but
he hoped there'd be fewer fatalities.

"Which would you fear most - a United v Chelsea final or a United v Liverpool final?" he was probably asked. What's the Russian for "eeny, meeny, miny, moe between the devil and the deep blue sea"?

The RTÉ announcer who introduced us to the evening's coverage asked, "Who's going to Russia with love?" "I fear neither," the Moscow police chief would have replied, if he were able to get RTÉ in his
living room.

"Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" was, actually, the gist of the RTÉ and Sky panels' predictions for the outcome of last night's contest, most of them opting for the "well, Chelsea should win it, but you can
never rule Liverpool out in the Champions League Bill/Richard".

Richard, incidentally, must have missed Tuesday's semi-final because he looked us right in the eye and said of United's triumph: "Never a doubt, was there?" Honestly, we thought he was being funny at first, so we looked him back in the eye and said "good one, Rich".

But he didn't smile, so it we think he was being serious.

"Who will join United for a full English?" he asked us.

"Damned if we know," we replied.

Back on RTÉ, Ray Houghton was being employed to hold an umbrella over George Hamilton while he updated us on team and weather news and such like, the pair of them almost disappearing from view so
swampish was the ground beneath their feet.

"You like rain, don't you, John?" said Bill back in the studio.

"I do, Bill," said Gilesie.

After establishing Gilesie's weather preferences, the lads then focused their thoughts on Didier Drogba.

"He falls down too easily," Rafa Benitez had quipped earlier in the week. "In that sense he's very like
Stevie G," he forgot to add. "But is he more sinned against than sinning, like the trees in the Mardyke?" asked Bill of Drogba, contending that he sports and plays 'neath each green leafy shade and gives 110 per cent while he's at it, while defenders relieve themselves all over him.

Gilesie, Liam and Dunphy fell silent for a moment, not quite sure how to respond to Bill's theory.

"You cannot have cheats in sport, you've got to weed them out," said Dunphy of Drogba.

"They're a cancer, get them out, Bill!"

"Jeepers, Eamon, I would if I could, but I'm not that influential," said Bill's puzzled eyebrows.

Match time. Naturally enough, Drogba scored. And, Sky noted with their slow-mo replay, he fell
down very easily in front of the Liverpool bench. Dunno, did he just drop by to say "howya" to
Rafa?

Second half. "The last time Liverpool scored at Stamford Bridge was January 2004," Sky's Rob Hawthorne told us. "That was the same month that Popeye celebrated his 75th birthday, so Liverpool will be hoping that Stevie Gerrard has been on the spinach at half-time."

Rob? Be ashamed.

Torres. Goal. Well, you can't have one without the other.

Extra time. Lampard. Drogba, again.

Honest, whoever the RTÉ panel slags before the final will be removed from every bookie's "Most Influential Man Over the Entire 90 Minutes (and extra-time if required)" pre-match odds.

Avram Grant. The Ordinary Special One? Its beginning to look that way.

The Moscow police chief? He probably had mixed feelings last night.

There'll be no United v Liverpool love-in in his home town, but he's now stuck between, eh, the Red Devils and the Deep Blue C of Chelsea.

Drogba v Ronaldo? Eamon's booking his holidays as we speak.